Not only was the gestational sac not empty...... there was a beautiful little blob with a perfect heart beat, flickerin' away.
I am in utter disbelief. Joyous disbelief.
The little blob was measuring right on track at 6wk3days (which is exactly what I am today). Heartbeat beating at 124bpm (they just want to see it at 100 or more).
I can't believe this is really happening.
Here is the day in details because regardless what lies ahead, I never want to forget (warning- this is long):
Not surprisingly I was so nervous all day. I slept alright last night, better than expected, but I couldn't focus at all today at work. The u/s was scheduled for 2:30pm. I planned in advance to take 1/2 the day off from work and leave at 12noon. That was the best decision ever. There is no way I could be productive at work today. And I enjoyed just being home with the husband, wasting time for a bit until we were to leave for the clinic. I showered, caught up on FB, and ate a bit to keep the lingering nausea at bay.
I could tell that DH was nervous. We were a bit snappy with each other at times. And he, while usually a talker, was nearly silent the whole drive to the doctors. I was a bit surprised by his nervousness. Looking back, I am not sure why I thought only I was nervous, but DH is much more of a go with the flow. He doesn't usually get nervous about this sort of stuff in advance, he just takes things as they come. But he was nervous too. Which brought me some relief and made me more nervous all at the same time.
We got to the clinic and barely waited a couple of minutes before they brought us back. I was nervous. I felt like the black u/s screens on the walls just were taunting me as we waited for the doc to come in. I just wanted it to be over with, but I also wanted the doctor to never come in the room. The wait was a bit long once we were in the room. Maybe only 15 minutes, but it dragged by. The doctor and nurse came in, and they both were so sweet. I don't think I had met this doctor before, but the nurse had done our injection training and she genuinely looked excited for us and glad to see us, which was sweet.
The doc asked how we were and I said I was really nervous, and she very gently tapped my leg and said it was normal and just to breathe. DH then chimed in (and I am SO glad he did) and said that we've been here before but with only bad news. I'm not sure the doctor new of our 2 miscarriages. And I felt like that just set up the doc to be even more gentle with us.
She had me lay back, in went the wand, and even as she was just getting settled in there, I saw a couple quick peaks of the black sac. And I was pretty sure I saw a blob. I didn't trust what I was seeing, but I quickly squeezed Dh's hand as I swore I saw the blob a couple of times as the wand briefly scanned back and forth. This all transpired in just a few seconds and then the doctor said, before even zeroing in, said "I see a heartbeat." DH quickly asked, in a total daze, "You said you DID see a heartbeat?" "Yes," she said, "there is a hb. I am going to take some more measurements but I didn't want you to wait any longer to know." DH said he could see the hb, but I was struggling to see much of anything at first. She continued to talked through her measurements as she took them, but I think I was holding my breath through it all until she got to the last measurement which with the crown to rump length- that showed it measuring exactly on track. She said "Looks like it is measuring about 6 1/2 weeks? Is that about right?" I, struggling to find my voice through tears said "I'm 6 wks 3 days today." The nurse and the doctor both sweetly chuckled and said, "well then, you are measuring right on track." Then she had me hold my breath while she measured the hb. And when I saw 124 show up on the screen, more tears started falling. Before she even said it, I know that all it needed to be was 100 bpm. I didn't want to turn my eyes away from the screen, but I also wanted to make eye contact with DH who was sitting just behind my head. I turned a couple of times, but he was also enthralled with the screen. He just kept squeezing my hand, and I could feel his body gently shaking as the quiet tears of relief released from him. "Wifey...." he whispered, without finishing the sentence. All he could do was squeeze my hand and whisper, "Wifey...".
It was all perfect. Not only for the good news, but just the whole experience. It was my first Ob u/s at the infertility clinic. My other ultrasounds with my first two miscarriages were at different OB clinics and done by u/s techs not by the OB. And at the time I found those u/s SO dehumanizing, and pretty traumatic. And I just thought that it was because the news was bad, confirming an empty sac. But I feel like this u/s experience redeemed those previous traumatic u/s and both confirmed that indeed the techs before completely lacked any personality, let alone compassion. I didn't realize today how horrible, horrible of experiences those two u/s were in retrospect. And today, TODAY, is how a doctor or an u/s tech should treat a patient. Today I was able to see how is should be done.
When she was done with the exam, she reiterated that everything looks perfect. I think she said the disbelief on our faces. She asked if I had an OB yet, which I don't quite yet, even though we are working on it. She went on to say, well given you have had a tough road leading up to this pregnancy, let's give you a reassurance scan. She said I could schedule in a week or two weeks, whatever I preferred, just to bridge the gap. more tears fell as I told her I LOVED her. She laughed and so did the nurse. (My nurse had originally said that if they saw a healthy hb, that I would graduate and be done which I didn't like the sound of at all, so this was good news!)
DH and I took a few silly photos in the exam room after the doctor left the room. We hugged and just cried and laughed and held each other, me still sitting on the table with the paper sheet covering my lady parts.
We checked ourselves out, and proceeded to run some errands- which was just the icing on the cake. Every other OB u/s in the past left us devastated and numb. Today was joyous and we were able to go on with our day as normal, but a new glorious normal. It was just perfect to do normal every day things. We got the car washed, stopped and go some take out dinner, both had back to back chiropractic appointments (which felt fab for my aching stressed out body). And now we are home, eating take out in bed, and watching our usual Friday evening show on tv.
And for the first time ever, I really am believing there are three of us in this bed, not just DH and I.
Hang on in there kiddo. We are over the moon in awe of your little life and want so badly to hold you some day in our arms. Hang on tight in there and grow big and strong. We'll do our best to be ready for you. Love ma and pa.