I've found my way back to being a bit more centered after my melt-down last might.
Reminding myself that it is all part of the healing process. Trying to have some grace for myself and how the grief manifests itself.
The hard part is, is that I SO SO want to feel self-less joy for my dear friend and the new life that is being created. I WANT WANT WANT to feel that. And instead, my own wants cloud over the unrestrained joy, and instead it is filled up with envy and selfishness. And I don't like how that feels- not one bit.
My rational mind last night was trying to give me some perspective- reminding me that it only takes one positive result from POAS (well, and several u/s) for my luck to change. And would I want my friend feeling as angry and envious as I did last night? Oh, lord, take away from my envy...
Cl.omid is done, day 5 of taking it was today. and I feel great (will the bad side effects kick in later, or will I be lucky enough to escape the wrath of clom.id?) Tomorrow is cd10 bloodwork. Hoping it all comes back with good results.
Paradigm shift. I was doing some googling last night- and read some stats that I either hadn't read before or had forgotten about. Was reading about miscarriage statistics. And the more I read, the more I was encouraged. Basically, the chances of having a third miscarriage are not that much higher. For example, one article said that a women has a 20% chance of miscarriage in her first pregnancy and an equal chance in her second. For a third pregnancy, the chances are only slightly higher- like 25%. After a third miscarriage is when the numbers really rise- like a 40% chance of miscarrying again after 3 previous miscarriage (exact numbers might be a bit off, but still- It gave me hope. If I get pregnant, my chances of staying pregnant on the third time far outweigh the chance I will miscarry. I can live with those odds.