Tuesday, September 29, 2009

And the bottom falls out of my box of hope

So much for textbook. Today's IUI#1? Not so textbook. i am tired tonight, so I don't know how detailed or coherent this post will be. But, in a nutshell.

We (well, ahem, DH actually) was running late today for the deposit of his sample. I went with to "help." Well, it was nerve wracking for him and awkward and took a long time. But we got it done.

Fast forward two hours later, me with a full bladder and feet in stir rups. DH off to work. Doctor comes in and says the numbers are not good- only 3 million post wash (factoring out poor motility ones). They want to see 10 million or more. Ouch. I think only 26 million for concentration is i heard the doc correctly. Even Dh semen analysis was closer to 70 million. And the bottom fell out of my box of hope. .....

I wasn't expecting the actual insemination to be that big of a deal. I was a little worried about it hurting, but it didn't- not at all. But in the moment I was actually overcome with fear, dread, and a deep sense of feeling very alone on that table with my feet in the stir-ups surrounded by two techs and a doctor.

Maybe it was the reality that my ideas of what "making a baby" involved, will not be reality for us? Maybe i had to face the fact that when it all comes down to it, i really don't have control over any of this- no matter how textbook this cycle has been? As I laid back, feet in stir-ups i had to admit to myself that none of this is in my hands.

If i had written this post earlier today, I was feeling so low about the feel of the whole day that I really was considering being done on this road. i know that is short sighted, but come on- sometimes this all seems absurd. but then again, what are my options?

And so the swimmers are in, but only a tiny army. At least it has helped me lower my expectations for this cycle. time will tell.


  1. I will be thinking about you. Don't give up hope yet. ((hugs))

  2. Wow. You guys have been through so much in the journey of trying to conceive. Wishing the best for you both!

  3. I'm so sorry you had such a tough day. I think it's totally normal to feel that way. Every step you take on the TTC journey, that brings you farther from you original reproductive story, includes a time for mourning the loss of past expectations. It's totally understandable to feel sad that you can't do things they way you thought, they was EVERYONE thinks, they'll be able to do them. It's so hard when you lose hope. I hope you find some again as the weeks wear on.

    Kait @ esperanzasays.wordpress.com

  4. Sorry for that botched sentence. Note to self: read comments before posting. It was supposed to say:

    It's totally understandable to feel sad that you can't do things the way you thought, the way EVERYONE thinks, they'll be able to do them.

  5. Sorry I've been out of touch lately. I got caught up on your posts today.

    I know it's hard to hold on to hope sometimes, but I pray that you will and that it will pay off one day VERY soon. Thinking of you and HOPING for the best.

  6. I know how scary and uncertain all this is. Wanted to share that my husband Will's sperm is pretty crappy. Crappy as in less than 1% morphology and 20% motility. And this has been consistently true across something like 5 sperm analyses. But even so, even though we were told to go straight to IVF, we have gotten pregnant *3 times* just with sex. Crazy, huh? Tells you science and counting and numbers only get you so far. Unfortunately, none of our pregnancies have had a happy ending but just saying, hang on to some hope. And hang in there. Thinking of you.