So much for textbook. Today's IUI#1? Not so textbook. i am tired tonight, so I don't know how detailed or coherent this post will be. But, in a nutshell.
We (well, ahem, DH actually) was running late today for the deposit of his sample. I went with to "help." Well, it was nerve wracking for him and awkward and took a long time. But we got it done.
Fast forward two hours later, me with a full bladder and feet in stir rups. DH off to work. Doctor comes in and says the numbers are not good- only 3 million post wash (factoring out poor motility ones). They want to see 10 million or more. Ouch. I think only 26 million for concentration is i heard the doc correctly. Even Dh semen analysis was closer to 70 million. And the bottom fell out of my box of hope. .....
I wasn't expecting the actual insemination to be that big of a deal. I was a little worried about it hurting, but it didn't- not at all. But in the moment I was actually overcome with fear, dread, and a deep sense of feeling very alone on that table with my feet in the stir-ups surrounded by two techs and a doctor.
Maybe it was the reality that my ideas of what "making a baby" involved, will not be reality for us? Maybe i had to face the fact that when it all comes down to it, i really don't have control over any of this- no matter how textbook this cycle has been? As I laid back, feet in stir-ups i had to admit to myself that none of this is in my hands.
If i had written this post earlier today, I was feeling so low about the feel of the whole day that I really was considering being done on this road. i know that is short sighted, but come on- sometimes this all seems absurd. but then again, what are my options?
And so the swimmers are in, but only a tiny army. At least it has helped me lower my expectations for this cycle. time will tell.