Before I blogged, I kept a journal on my laptop. I found in life, that while I loved the therapy of journaling, I hated doing it with pen and paper. So, I started typing on my laptop. Which after my 2nd miscarriage, turned into blogging. Many of those journal entries are now in this blog, in order to tell the story.
I haven't opened my journal since this blog was started, but tonight for some reason, I opened it up. the last journal entries were right around the time we found out about the 2nd pregnancy also being a blighted ovum. It's hard to reread much of it. The grief was crushing. I was struck though how many common threads there are to where I was and where I am now- the same common threads that I struggle with: hope, God's will, and surrender. Here is a post from my journal- (i was about 6-7 weeks pregnant I think, and this was about 10 days before 1st U/S revealed the BO).
February 22, 2009
I have been struggling with hope
I even googled it
What does it mean to have hope?
Am I called to hope? And to hope in what?
I feel like it is naive to have hope that a baby will result from this pregnancy.
And as I wrestled with this, I came to this centered place.
I hope that God is glorified in this journey
I hope that God is glorified in his breaking me to his will
I hope that God is glorified in the patient surrender I practice each day along this journey and the many more that are to come
I hope that God is glorified in our desire to create life together out of the abundant love he has given us.