Tempted to Hope

We haven't been "trying" as hard this summer. We aren't NOT trying but I haven't been as diligent in the timing. Mainly, we have been busy, traveling, and mostly I have focused my TTC energy on our September IUI #1. Mostly, I think I have sort of given up that it could happen naturally. And in an odd way, that has been a relief- to just "be."

I am 3-4 days away from AF. The girls are sore. I wouldn't think anything of it except that, well I don't think for me they usually get sore before my period. (do they?) And the last time I remember them being this sore- well, was when I was pregnant. And I wouldn't think much of it, except that the last several days I feel like I have had to pee all the time. (or am I making that up?)

And then I think- That's just plain silly. stupid really.

I know too much, and I don't know anything at all. I know what it feels like to be pregnant. My body remembers. And yet, the "knowing" also blurs into "false hope." The little symptom causes my spirit to say "what if? maybe?" My head usually jumps right in- into protection mechanism mode. The mind reminds me that we have been trying for almost two years, and no real live baby yet. The mind reminds me that these symptoms come and go as part of normal everyday stuff. The mind reminds me that I have been let down by these symptoms before. Hormones fluctuate, drinking more water plainly means more frequent peeing. My mind reminds me.

Which leaves me in this tug-of-war in my brain: one side of me wants to naively scan the web world looking for validation that just maybe these could be early symptoms. that same side of me wants to start counting the months because just maybe this could be it. it wants to believe because this was the cycle we didn't "try," we just relaxed, and we were traveling abroad in a country in which we really feel is our other home. this is a cycle in which the women in the rural village prayed over me with fervent faith upon learning about our miscarriages. That side of me thinks it would be so perfect if this was it....

But, the other side of me is not there. The other side of me wants to fast forward to CD1 so that I can stop being tempted to hope. Amazing how hope is the only thing sometimes that sustains us, and it also is the one thing that I feel like sometimes I need to protect myself against.