8 wk 2 day- U/S

Absolutely perfect. OMG! There is a real live kid in there that keeps on growing.

Measuring perfectly on track at almost 2cm, almost an inch big. Heartbeat at 172. And the cutest damn kid ever. (Yes, I am bias already I know). We saw a head and lil stumpy arms and lil leg buds.

OMG.

And the heartbeat- oh, the heartbeat. And it is IN ME! I just wanted to get up and do a dance of joy in watching it beat away- alive, and beating. Although I couldn't do a happy dance because there was a wand up my hu-ha. Last time the doctor and DH saw the HB at 6wk but I couldn't really make it out on the screen. This time- I saw it the instant the wand went in. It was just flickering away, strong, steady, and fast right smack dab in the middle of our lil baby.

OMG.

I cried a few tears, but the emotion was much different than the tears at the 6 wk u/s. Those tears were the tears of an anguished beat up heart, that has been holding its breath and finally was able to exhale, just a bit. These tears today were of a heart recognizing it was in the presence of pure, pure beauty. Raw and honest, but with a glimpse of healing surrounding them as they fell.

Someone pinch me. I don't know what to do with this joy I feel.

We graduated from the RE. I am not ready. Not ready to go at all. But they printed our OB report to pass along, gave us a pregnancy resource book, and reminded me how much longer to keep taking the vaginal prometrium (12 more days, and I am so ready to be done). It was all very weird. Not sure what I expected for an exit, but it felt strange.

I took the day off from work (again) today. I wasn't going to tell my boss for many more weeks about the pregnancy, but I am starting to reconsider. I think I might want to tell her sooner vs. later if for no other reason than I think she would better understand why all the random sick days, and days showing up late at the office. But regardless, it has been a glorious day off.

So- the only part of the day that caused me to furrow my brow a bit was this- Our RE was not the least bit happy with our decision to transfer our care to a midwife. He thinks we need to be with an OB. He commented that IVF pregnancies/babies are considered slightly higher risk than average. I think he wanted to express much more of his opinion, but bit his tongue. He had nothing positive to say about going to a midwife.

Sigh- I feel like I know both sides of the debate- OB vs. midwife, hospital vs. non-hospital birth. In my heart I really want to go with the midwives we have chosen and deliver outside of a hospital at a birth center. I know many people have strong opinions on either side- now I am just so confused and wavering. I don't know what to do. Or who to trust.

As it stands I have three appointments scheduled at three different clinics- two different midwife clinics and 1 appointment with an OB. I figured I would get my first appointments scheduled on the books with my top three choices at three different places and decide later which one to keep. These appointments are rapidly approaching and I am more confused than when I started.

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Hey kiddo- I am in awe. You are doing a great job growing in their- I know I am not feeding you very well right now, and well, in all honesty it is because your presence is making me very sick 24/7. Food is not my friend. But nonetheless, your heart keeps beating away, and you are growing by leaps and bounds. I am in absolute awe. And I'm starting to, maybe, just maybe starting to believe that you are going to stick around. And that makes me overflow with joy. Until the day we hold you in our arms, Luv, ma