MIdwife Appointment @ 39 weeks 6 days

I didn't have many questions today at my midwife appointment and lately these weekly appointments have been pretty boring as we are all pretty much waiting.  My blood pressure has been perfect all pregnancy, not much swelling, heartbeat has been strong, baby is head down and has stayed that way, our midwives don't really do cervical dilation exams-  so it has just been a waiting game.  I report on my symptoms, all which are normal.

But I love that it is time for me to just talk about the baby and the birth and get to know them and they get to know me.  I love all my midwives and really can't say that I have a preference which one I end up getting at the birth.

Today was helpful for a couple of reasons.

She explained that my extreme exhaustion is probably due to shifting hormones that are gearing up.  I had started feeling like maybe it was because I wasn't eating well enough, or because I had gotten lax on taking my iron supplement.  but she said it is normal which was reassuring to hear.

She also said that my increased milky vaginal discharge was normal and probably my mucous plug starting to deteriorate.  She said that not everyone will know when it is gone as it can just disingrate over time which I also appreciated learning. 

The underside of my belly has been excruciatingly sore lately- ligaments or muscles down there.  I'm fine with I am laying still or sitting still but walking, rolling over, standing/sitting are SO tender.  OOOooo!  She assured me it is normal which even though the knowledge of that doesn't provide me with relief from the pain, ut always feels like a weight off my shoulders to know that it is well within the norm.   I feel like I can cope with it better knowing that it is just part of the process in some pregnancies.

And she reminded me what dear blog friends reminded me on my last post-  and that is that this is sacred time to just take care of me and to take each day for what it is.  It is so true, and I was so so moved by the comments left on my last post.  Everything was exactly what I needed to be reminded of. Again, one of the many reasons this blog community means so much to me.

So, I'm off to take a nap, and then not sure-  but just enjoying not having an agenda to my day today. 

Joy overflowing?

You know that feeling when you were a kid, and Christmas was the next day, and you just couldn't contain you excitement? 

Or the feeling when it was the last day of school, and all you had left to do as a class was clean out your desks?  And the walk home felt so exhilarating because you knew the entire summer awaited?

That is how I think I SHOULD feel.  But instead-  I just feel a bit ...I don't know how I feel.  I'm not outright scared.  I'm not dreading what is to come.  I'm don't feel bad.... I just don't feel much.  And it is bothering me.

I feel like I SHOULD feel more.

Everyone around us is SO absolutely beside themselves, they are outright giddy with excitement.

I know when I look back on this post, that I will wish I had given myself more grace right now.  Because if I stop and think about it-  it isn't any surprise that I feel a bit in a blur right now.

We have waited for this for so long.  It has been four years since we decided we were ready for this.  four long dark y-e-a-r-s.

Both of our Due Dates from our two miscarriages were in October.  And I have yet to write my annual post about those loses.  October was twice the graveyard for hopes dashed.  And now we are here - again-  yet in a very different place in life. 

We are days away from holding our child in our arms.  A child I have carried in me for 39 weeks and 5 days so far.  A child I have prayed for, bargained with, pleaded for.  A child that takes my breath away if I really let myself acknowledge the depth of the love I have for this little one. 

And yet-  I think I remain guarded.  Unable to feel that overflowing joy of a kid before Christmas or before summer break.  Unable to let the flood gates open. 

I am holding back. 

I don't want to hold back.  I want for this little one to know my overflowing love for it, even while we await its arrival.  I don't want to feel like I SHOULD be feeling something more than I am. 

I don't want this little one to ever feel anything less from me than unbridled joy for every fiber of its being. 

I don't want the grief of yesterday to take away from any of this right now. 

I don't want to be holding back.

Commence maternity leave

As of 2:30pm today, I was out the door of my office and my maternity leave official has begun.  My head is spinning.

I have done some intense barganing with baby to at least stay put for 24 hours.  I so look forward to having a full day to do nothing.  Rather, a full day to do what I want to do and not be worried about work.

I'll also admit that I feel a flood of emotions about being done with my job ("done" meaning temporarily done-  I still may go back, I still may quit-  jury is still out though).  Well to be honest, I have had a flood of emotions about my job in general this pregnancy.  That was something I definitely didn't expect-  I loathed my job so intensely in the first part of my pregnancy.  Then there was a time period where it was fine, I could tolerate it-  didn't love it but didn't hate it.  And then this last trimester has been a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts-  I am sure mostly tied to me re-navigating my identity and what my career does or doesn't have to do with my identity. (Not to mention a big shake up in our office that has been insane). But bottom line-  my emotions have been all over the map when it comes to my career, this job, my dreams and thoughts for the future.  All over the map.  And I wasn't expecting that.  I truly thought if I were to get pregnant I would easily walk away from this job.  As it never was meant to be a long term gig..

I need a bit of time emotionally to decompress and step into this world of maternity leave.  Hoping the baby gives me a little time.  I will be taking 4 months off for maternity leave and I really feel like I am poised to be able to have clear boundaries with my office so that I don't get sucked in to doing work or answering umpteen questions while I am on leave. 

I am so so so treasuring this next window of time.  And I know that it is time I will never get back.

It is getting more and more real

39 Weeks (How is that even possible?!!)

How Far Along? 39 Weeks (how in the world did we get here.  I truly can't fathom it)

Maternity Clothes? Yep; some shirts are getting a bit short. Some pants are getting a wee bit snug :(  - I would love to just live in my yoga pants until baby arrives. :)

Weight Gain? Not sure; don't want to know right now.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up once every night. Not a big deal.

Best Moment of the Week? Clean carpets and a decluttered house.  Also loved my midwife appointment yesterday-  just love love love all three of my midwives.  .

Movement? Yes, but the quiet phases are getting longer (hours at a time).  I don't like when baby is quiet.

Food Cravings? Everything dairy; don't ask me why.

Gender? Will know so so soon.

What i miss? I definitely am starting to crave having my body back-  being able to exercise, bend at the waist, roll over in bed pain free.  No complaints-this is all small in the big scheme of things. I am grateful to be able to experience pregnancy, but also glad it is time limited and not a constant state of being.

Symptoms: Pelvic tenderness and (Warning - major TMI) major pressure on my rectal area.  It is the strangest feeling but the head feels like it is pressing right there.  Oh, the things I had never contemplated before.

Looking forward to: Last day of work on Thursday

Weekly Wisdom: Breathe,

Milestones: Major items on "preparing for baby" to-do list are done.

Emotions: Can't even begin to sum up the range of emotions.

Ready enough, I think

I think I feel ready.  Not emotionally (heck no), but ready from the perspective of my "to-do" list.  And there was a time not too many days ago that it felt like I'd never feel ready.  All the important things that I felt like HAD to happen before baby arrived are done:

• -Car seat bought and inspected (so grateful for free Car seat inspection drop-in day at our local hospital otherwise I would have never figured out how to get our base installed snugly)
• -Bassinet set up and sheets washed (we don't have a crib yet, but will figure that out when we need one)
• -Dresser purchased and moved into nursery
• -Baby clothes washed and sorted by size with enough clothes to get by in the newborn and 0-3month ranges
• -1 week of diapers on hand (we are starting with disposables and then switching to cloth at some point in the near future)
• -Supplies for me (nursing, who-ha care, etc)
• -I "think" we have all the basic supplies and gear (boppy, swing, bouncy seat, a couple of carriers, all hand-me-downs which is wonderful)
• -Overnight bags are (mostly) packed (I keep unpacking things and then forgetting if I repacked them so I really should double check)
• -Most critical stuff at work has been passed on to someone else (for the most part), even though I am technically working until this Friday
• -Carpets are clean, house is put back together
• -Car has an appointment on Wednesday to get a good detailing inside and out (no, it isn't critical that this be done before baby comes, but I will feel better getting it out of the way and I got a good deal on Grou.pon) 
• -Email list is compiled for "birth announcement"  (I am tickled that I also got our snail mail list of addresses for mailing birth announcements/xmas cards all ready to go-  I figured that might be hard to get done once baby is here so I got it all organized ahead of time)

With this done I no longer feel the panic of not being "ready".  Although there is plenty I would love to still get done before baby arrives, but none of it is on the critical list.  Now, during the waiting time I can just poke away at the list and not feel the pressure of it HAVING to get completed.  

Now if my emotions would just catch up and feel "ready" for what is to come we'd be good to go.

Nesting (?) and other random thoughts

I've been wondering lately whether nesting is myth or fact or something in between. I've heard many moms talk about in hindsight the insane cleaning they felt compelled to do right before labor started. I have had a nesting urge during this pregnancy, but it felt a lot stronger earlier on. Now my body feels so sore and tired, I can't even fathom an all out "nesting" episode.

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In our birth class, the first of the 11 (?) couples had their baby. They sent out pictures and a birth story. And I see the pic of mom and dad, sitting in the hospital bed, with newborn baby, everyone a glow, and I just can't imagine that will actually be us. Soon! The round belly with an alien inside of it seems so far disconnected from the concept of a wiggly, crying baby in my arms. I just can't fathom there actually being a baby- our baby- at the end of this. It still feels like something that only happens to other people. I don't know when or if it will ever feel real. ***********************************
Our carpets are cleaned. I am still so excited. But I will admit it has been a lot of work. I was in so much pain today in my pelvis and back from over doing it. and the house is SO unsettled as we let everything dry that DH and I are both discombobulated. But they look so nice and fresh and I am bound and determined to not let any clutter return when we start putting things back. It feels so good to have the rooms all emptied out.
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I've had some anxiety lately - a feeling that I should someone "feel" more ready, or "feel" more excited about how close we are to baby time. But going back to my previous thoughts shared, it just doesn't feel real. And as a result, I can't fathom the joy that is (from everything everyone tells me) just around the corner. I am really having a hard time imagining what is to come.

I love you Mr. Carpet Cleaner

We are having our carpets cleaned tomorrow morning and I am so giddy I can't contain myself. I love our lil home and we remodeled it almost from the bare bones when we bought it so there is love and sweat personally poured into every bit of it. I've used a friends home carpet cleaner a couple of times in the past, but this is the first time we've had it professionally done. And I am so excited. DH just rolls his eyes. And prepping for the carpet cleaner is plenty of work- and moving stuff off the carpet isn't really anything I can help with. So, I don't blame DH for not being enthusiastic as me- but grateful he is being a good sport. I don't know why, but it just feels like having the carpets cleaned is one of the Nesting rites of passage before baby comes. And it makes me feel like we are that much closer. Once carpets are cleaned I can really get things settled- where as so far, a lot of things have been 1/2 done as we were awaiting the carpets being cleaned. Thanks Mr. Carpet man for making my day.

Now and then

DH's cell phone rang in the other room. I hear him answer the phone and excitedly greet a good friend of his that he hasn't talked to in a while. A friend that lives in the area that he used to see on a regular basis. As guys are prone to do, they waste no time in cutting to the chase of getting caught up in life. I hear the joyous excitement rise in Dh's voice as his friend tells him that he and his wife re expecting, due in January. As I type this, DH is giggling like a school girl, and giving high fives through the telephone to his friend. He is so excited to have a friend who is having a baby right after us. And my mind drifts back to memories of pregnancy announcements- to times in which the same phone call took place, with other friends, in years past, at a time when pregnancy seemed so elusive. And I remember the pain that seared through me. And I wish I could go back and hold that "me" in my arms and make those years of pain go away. I wish for all those who know all to well what I am talking about- I wish for all of that hurt to not exist.

This little piggy

A package arrived in the mail from my favorite Aunt. This Aunt means the world to me. If this baby is a girl, the middle name will be this Aunt's middle name. One thing I know about my aunt is that she is not one to hold on to sentimental stuff. They have a small place and she has only kept a small amount of important things through the years. And the fact that she has been waiting these many long years, along side us, waiting to give this baby this gift brought tears for both DH and I when we opened.

Introducing Lil Piggy...

Here is the letter she included with piggy.

September 13, 2011

Dear much loved baby,
I have been waiting so long to give you my old piggy bank. It was given to me when I was 4 or 5 years old by my favorite Auntie, who was my mom's sister. It is almost an antique!

Your Grandpa and I were very poor growing up as little kids. However, we never felt poor. When we were given a piece of gum , it had to last us 2 days. So, at the end of the day I would take the gum out of my mouth, and stick it on the top of my piggy bank. The next day I would have a wad of stale, tasteless gum to chew for another day. It made me very happy that my piggy protected my gum.

I even used piggy to save my 5 cent a week allowance. On our birthdays we would also get our age in pennies along with a small gift. It took a long time for my piggy to get full. You will notice, there is not an opening in piggy to get the money out. Do not break it open! When I needed money, I would lay on my back on the bed, hold piggy upside down and use a nail file to slide each coin out. It took forever!!
This piggy bank was multi purpose. It saved all my pennies and it saved all my gum. I hope this piggy bank brings you as many riches and fond memories as it did for me.

I love you already,
Great Auntie

38 Weeks

How Far Along? 38 Weeks

Maternity Clothes? Yep

Weight Gain? Not sure

Stretch Marks? No (this amazes me)

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up once every night. Not much of a complaint though.

Best Moment of the Week? First meeting with Doula; feels like such a great fit. Also had a get together with couples from one of our baby classes that was so much fun.

Movement? yes,

Food Cravings? Not craving much

Gender? Will know in 2 weeks give or take-

What i miss? Wearing my wedding rings. Being able to put my pants on while standing up.

Symptoms: Pelvic tenderness. Otherwise feeling amazingly good.

Looking forward to: Next yoga class; So weird to be one of the ones in my "due time"- there is always a collective awe in the room when I say how far along I am.

Weekly Wisdom: Learn to say yes to offers for help

Milestones: Car seat is installed; not entirely perfect, but at least it is installed. And we have enough of the basic necessities that we are ready enough if baby comes.

Emotions: Roller coaster

Wishing I could stay pregnant forever

I never thought I'd say that. Ever.

This pregnancy hasn't been easy. And as an IFer, it is really hard to admit that I haven't loved every minute of being pregnant. I have blogged some about how yucky I have felt, but I truly haven't let it all fly here. Good old infertility guilt has filtered how much I write.

But the truth is that for most of this pregnancy I have truly wondered if I would ever want to choose to do this again. Cuz it has been tough. really tough.

But being that honest makes me feel ungrateful. And it makes me feel like somehow it takes away from the beauty of the awe filled moments- the kicks with DH's hand on my belly late at night, the hiccups while I am in staff meeting that only I am aware of. All of that is beyond amazing...it just hasn't been easy. I've just felt putrid sick for most of the time.

But lately? The last week and half? Get this- I have felt really really good. Who in the world finally starts to feel good at 37 weeks? But that's been the case for me. and I am so grateful. I truly feel like I am experiencing what I hear when women say how much they loved being pregnant. I couldn't fathom what they were talking about- now I know.

My body feels good, I'm sleeping fairly well, blood pressure still perfect, food agrees with me. I have sufficient energy. Love feeling baby in me. I love my belly and my body and feel more comfortable in my own skin than I have during this pregnancy.

Go figure.

It even crossed my mind that I wouldn't mind feeling this way forever. It seems so ironic that just as I am supposed to be at my most uncomfortable, nearing my due date, instead I finally feel good.

No complaints- taking it a day at a time, and grateful for all of it.

37 Weeks- DUE TIME!

How Far Along? 37 Weeks - Officially in my "due time" Amazing.

Maternity Clothes? I bought some more last week. It seems silly given how close I am, but I just very much disliked my one pair of jeans. The few things I got from Old Navy will be just perfect for the remainder of the pregnancy. It took me all this time but I finally came to the conclusion I despise full panel maternity pants. I tried to like the two pair I own, but just didn't work for me.

Weight Gain? 37

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up at 330am ish every night. Not much of a complaint though.

Best Moment of the Week? Maternity photo shoot

Movement? Had a pretty big scare Tuesday- Hadn't felt baby move much at all over the weekend. Midwife sent me immediately for biophysical u/s and NST. All is well- baby just moved into a position that it is harder for me to feel movement. Did not like the scare one bit.

Food Cravings? Dairy and smoothies and apples.

Gender? Will know in 3 weeks give or take-

What i miss? Wearing my wedding rings. Being able to put my pants on while standing up.

Symptoms: Pelvic pain. Otherwise feeling amazingly good.

Looking forward to: Maternity leave

Weekly Wisdom:

Milestones: Birth class done; Full term and fully baked- 37 weeks. Amazing.

Emotions: Sheer joy and also panic all at the same time.

Belly Pics Updated

I finally got around to adding pics from 29 weeks and 37 weeks on my Belly Pics page - So hard to fathom I am 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow.

Where will this blog go

I've read along as other bloggers navigated the transition from TTC to IF to Pregnancy and motherhood. And inevitably there is always the reflective blog post on what direction the blog will go, whether the blogger will keep blogging and a sense of reevaluating identity in the midst of that. I feel those questions already swirling in my own mind as I wonder where I will go with this blog. I don't know the answer yet, but I can say this much.

I needed this blog. No ifs ands or buts. It was my therapy. My healing space. My grieving space. And the space in which I kept cautiously dipping my toes in the river of hope over and over again.

I needed all you bloggers. This community kept me grounded. Walked with me post by post. Wiped my tears. Reassured me that I wasn't alone. And never judged who I was or where I was at in life.

And now as our lives are about to enter a new chapter, I am not sure what I will need. I feel a bit like I am being pulled away from this blog. Which makes me how I will feel after baby comes. Maybe I will find I need this blog in new ways? Maybe I will feel that this chapter is closed? I don't know...

I can say that I plan to keep bloggin until the kiddo is born. Weekly updates have been great for my own record of this pregnancy and I still find I need this reflective space as well.

I also will write the birth story and share pics. I blog anonymously, as I am pretty intensely private, so anonymous bloggin is most comfortable for me. But I do plan to post pics and at least leave them up on my blog for a bit.

After that, I ask that you bear with me as I figure out what next. Life is about to take another turn in the road and I am not sure what it will look like or feel like....So, if I go dark for a while, i'm probably trying to figure it out and trusting I'll find some clarity as to the role of this space in the next chapter.

Lost

In the last week I have:
lost my credit card
locked my keys in the car (but THOUGHT that I lost them)
lost my usb flashdrive
lost the cap to the maple syrup within minutes of taking it out of the fridge

All of the above were found/solved by DH. He just keeps laughing at me as I have nothing but mush for brains right now.

Sigh...

Obsessions and Anxiety

I've been obsessed with looking for a dresser for the baby's room. Obsessed.

And it is so unlike me. We really aren't decorating a nursery. Our small condo needs to be multi functional so the "baby's room" isn't quite yet exclusively a nursery. So we are making spaces for baby, but still with an eye to multi-functional.

I decided we needed more storage for baby clothes and diapers and I wanted a surface to make into a changing table, but didn't want to buy an actual changing table. So I started shopping on craigslist - and it turns out, not only was I very picky, but I was wanting to pay almost nothing for it. AND turns out- dressers are popular on CL, so hemming and hawing was not an option as they were selling fast. I have been scouring CL for a dresser for weeks with no luck. I have probably emailed a dozen different sellers and nothing has worked out yet.

Tonight I struck gold. I found the cutest lil dresser, perfect dimensions, perfect color and style for my taste and only $30! From the time I found it on CL to having it back home and in our quasi nursery- 2 hours flat. And DH humored me and went with as my pack horse to lug the thing into the car, even though he had a lot of work to do tonight.

I am so so pleased to be able to move on to my next obsession now that I have that off my list. For the record, I have no idea what on my to-do list is going to be my next obsession, but I am sure something will rise to the surface.


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As we were leaving to go pick up the dresser, we opened our front door and a large box was sitting at our front door, dropped off by the UPS truck. Our car seat. Our baby's car seat. DH got all giddy, only to turn around and find me silently crying. I a surprised by how much it took my breath away- I mean, I ordered the dang thing, I KNEW it was coming soon. But to actually see it there on our front step was surreal...., or actually it was just so REAL.

I am just so so in awe that this is really happening. I can't believe we actually are going to need a car seat. in OUR car.


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anxiety

it is rearing its head again. that constant worry that something is going to go wrong. that something IS wrong. I am spending way too much time analyzing every little baby movement (or lack there of) and sapping all my emotional energy in the meantime. I just wish I could be carefree. I wish I didn't know first hand that happy endings aren't always the way things go.
Breathe....

36 Weeks (on Tuesday)

How Far Along? 35 weeks and 5 days (36 weeks on Tuesday)

Maternity Clothes? starting to feel some clothes are getting a bit small (think Dora the Explorer belly)

Weight Gain? I haven't weighed myself in several weeks. I feel like at this point knowing what the scale says at this point won't change my eating- I feeling like I am eating what I need to, so just letting my body/baby gain what it will in these final weeks.

Stretch Marks? No

Sleep? Same as it has been all pregnancy- wake up at 330am ish every night. Not much of a complaint though. I will say though that rolling over is painful in my pelvis region.

Best Moment of the Week? Doing first two loads of baby laundry and sorting baby clothes by size. Being able to feel baby parts (a butt in particular) when I poke at my belly.

Movement? Movement feels different. Not sure how to explain it.

Food Cravings? Nothing I can think of.

Gender? Will know in 4 weeks give or take-

What i miss? Wearing my wedding rings.

Symptoms: Pelvic pain, heartburn, feet feeling a bit swollen in my shoes, but don't look too swollen

Looking forward to: Final birth class, cutting back on my hours at work, getting carpets cleaned

Weekly Wisdom: Breathe.

Milestones: Tags removed from new baby clothes and washed and put away. Big milestone!

Emotions: Been more anxious lately. I worry when baby is more mellow- I don't like that at all. Also I am just in awe and a bit of a daze- not feeling like I am very present or grounded.