Sunday, October 30, 2011

Joy overflowing?

You know that feeling when you were a kid, and Christmas was the next day, and you just couldn't contain you excitement? 

Or the feeling when it was the last day of school, and all you had left to do as a class was clean out your desks?  And the walk home felt so exhilarating because you knew the entire summer awaited?

That is how I think I SHOULD feel.  But instead-  I just feel a bit ...I don't know how I feel.  I'm not outright scared.  I'm not dreading what is to come.  I'm don't feel bad.... I just don't feel much.  And it is bothering me.

I feel like I SHOULD feel more.

Everyone around us is SO absolutely beside themselves, they are outright giddy with excitement.

I know when I look back on this post, that I will wish I had given myself more grace right now.  Because if I stop and think about it-  it isn't any surprise that I feel a bit in a blur right now.

We have waited for this for so long.  It has been four years since we decided we were ready for this.  four long dark y-e-a-r-s.

Both of our Due Dates from our two miscarriages were in October.  And I have yet to write my annual post about those loses.  October was twice the graveyard for hopes dashed.  And now we are here - again-  yet in a very different place in life. 

We are days away from holding our child in our arms.  A child I have carried in me for 39 weeks and 5 days so far.  A child I have prayed for, bargained with, pleaded for.  A child that takes my breath away if I really let myself acknowledge the depth of the love I have for this little one. 

And yet-  I think I remain guarded.  Unable to feel that overflowing joy of a kid before Christmas or before summer break.  Unable to let the flood gates open. 

I am holding back. 

I don't want to hold back.  I want for this little one to know my overflowing love for it, even while we await its arrival.  I don't want to feel like I SHOULD be feeling something more than I am. 

I don't want this little one to ever feel anything less from me than unbridled joy for every fiber of its being. 

I don't want the grief of yesterday to take away from any of this right now. 

I don't want to be holding back.


  1. Oh sweetie...I don't know if even the very best pregnancy and experiences leaves you in a state of Christmas joy as we anticipate the little one!

    To try to put this in perspective...well, Christmas and the last day of school was something we had come to expect every year. We knew what was coming, and with great and wonderful anticipation.

    With a little one on the way, there are some moments like that, I guess. But mostly, it is a mixture of anxiety and a little bit of fear, combined with a sense of some detachment.

    You know your life is about to change...and that can be scary. But you also know this is what you've been dreaming of forever. That can set your expectations up very high.

    Have you gone to get a pedicure and manicure yet? A nice massage? These are the days you really need to simply pamper yourself to help sooth the tension and help you feel a little special for what is about to come.

    It's all happening exactly the way it is supposed to. Everything will be fine. :o)

  2. *hugs* I think it's perfectly understandable for you to be feeling this way. I don't think I'll truly believe we are taking home a baby until I have held him in my arms. Don't beat yourself up about holding back, as soon as you see your little one (once they decide to make their appearance) all of it will melt away. xx

  3. This reminds me so much of being in the first trimester and telling our families... I felt like "Yes, this is great news. But there is SO much that could still go wrong". I was so petrified and guarded. We've all been through so much, it's hard not to let the knowledge of other scenarios come into play.

    But please know I'll be extra excited for you! 39 weeks +! WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!