You know that feeling when you were a kid, and Christmas was the next day, and you just couldn't contain you excitement?
Or the feeling when it was the last day of school, and all you had left to do as a class was clean out your desks? And the walk home felt so exhilarating because you knew the entire summer awaited?
That is how I think I SHOULD feel. But instead- I just feel a bit ...I don't know how I feel. I'm not outright scared. I'm not dreading what is to come. I'm don't feel bad.... I just don't feel much. And it is bothering me.
I feel like I SHOULD feel more.
Everyone around us is SO absolutely beside themselves, they are outright giddy with excitement.
I know when I look back on this post, that I will wish I had given myself more grace right now. Because if I stop and think about it- it isn't any surprise that I feel a bit in a blur right now.
We have waited for this for so long. It has been four years since we decided we were ready for this. four long dark y-e-a-r-s.
Both of our Due Dates from our two miscarriages were in October. And I have yet to write my annual post about those loses. October was twice the graveyard for hopes dashed. And now we are here - again- yet in a very different place in life.
We are days away from holding our child in our arms. A child I have carried in me for 39 weeks and 5 days so far. A child I have prayed for, bargained with, pleaded for. A child that takes my breath away if I really let myself acknowledge the depth of the love I have for this little one.
And yet- I think I remain guarded. Unable to feel that overflowing joy of a kid before Christmas or before summer break. Unable to let the flood gates open.
I am holding back.
I don't want to hold back. I want for this little one to know my overflowing love for it, even while we await its arrival. I don't want to feel like I SHOULD be feeling something more than I am.
I don't want this little one to ever feel anything less from me than unbridled joy for every fiber of its being.
I don't want the grief of yesterday to take away from any of this right now.
I don't want to be holding back.