It has been a while since I blogged. Usually that means that I am in a funk. And you would think that to be the case because I just had a failed IUI. But, I actually only briefly felt like I was in a funk. As my BBT starting plummeting, and the POAS were negative, my heart sunk. And then the last 5 days of my cycle I was in hormone hell as all the hormones had a wrestling match in my body and then finally released themselves to let AF flow. And I immediately felt reset. And I've felt light on my feet ever since.
And then we sat with the question of "what next" for a bit. But just a bit, because doors have been flying open. I feel like my world is a bubbling pot of possibilities. Not really related to TTC, but then again, it all feels connected. The common denominator with all of these is hope and possibilities:
We are a one car family. We bike and bus as much as we can and use the car (usually) only as necessary, but our city still is lacking in providing an abundance of options for living car-free. My car was 12 years old. I bought it in college- my first "new" (new to me at least) car. The folks co-signed on the loan, but I paid every penny of that car. And I was (am) proud of that. And have lived without having to make a car payment for the last 9 years. She had over 172,000 miles. And it was a good car. It was a two-door car. Nothing about it was conducive for a some-day-family, let alone even just my husband and i. but it was paid for and we don't really WANT to own a car. So, the car lived on. Until last Tuesday. My car was given a terminal diagnose by the mechanic, never to return to us. This also happened to be CD28. That morning before heading to the mechanic, I got my final negative pee stick confirming this IUI had failed. The same day my two door, not-family-conducive, cute, two-door car gave up the ghost. And so, we are moving on....to the world of four-door cars. We test drove some today. And I can't begin to explain how significant this act of shopping for a four door car is. I feel like I am opening up a part of my life to hope in the possibility that some day there will be a infant seat in that back seat. I don't know why I am finding hope in this, rather than despair, but regardless I am grateful that I can at times still hope in what could be.
I applied for a job. From the time I turned in my resume to the time I had an interview scheduled was 2 1/2 days. Can we say super speedy? I interview a week from today. I wasn't looking for a new job. My job is fine. But it is just that- fine. My current job is in my field, it has been a good addition to my resume, but I am not challenged and I am not as passionate about this specific field as some other related fields. Okay, and to be honest- I don't feel there are opportunities for me to grow as a leader in my current position and I don't think my boss, as nice as she is, I don't think she has any clue of how under-utilized I am.
My current job is only %55 time. I chose that route so that I could work on developing my own business in my other half time- and work with my business partner in hopes of some day being able to early a salary from our company. My business partner has had some life stuff going on, and I am realizing I don't work well with just me, myself, and I. and while we live just fine with my part-time salary, a full-time salary means being able to grow our savings account. And I just feel like now is a good time to work full time, and save SO that when we/if we decide to jump into IVF or adoption we can do so with a bit more financial security. We will see- trying not to put the cart before the horse, but if it doesn't work, that will be okay. I just have enjoyed this feeling of something moving in my life and seeing where it might go. (Okay, and i'll admit i am interested in seeing if their medical policy just might include infertility treatments. Just curious- )
2nd RE Consultation
So we had an hour consultation today at a new clinic. I have not left my current clinic and don't plan to necessarily- I just wanted to get a second opinion, and particularly because I feared that light of the low sperm count post-wash, that we might be directed to IVF. And if we are directed that way, I will indeed re-look at making sure we are at the best clinic for us. The meeting was fabulous. I really liked him. Major questions he answered: a) he got DH to stop worrying about having curly tailed sperm, and low motility , and low morphology, and reminded him this is all just information and looking for trends, and to not analyze everything so exactly. He also said that DHs curly sperm or poorly morphed sperm are not the culprit in my two miscarriages. Which we both needed to hear. I am sure some could dispute that (?), but it helped to hear it. He didn't encourage RPL testing at this time. He did encourage an HSG and talked about what to ask for at my clinic to make sure the dye is oil based (?). And said that if I want to continue my care at my current clinic, they could just do the HSG (as they do it in office and don't outsource it like my clinic) and then get the results to my doc. I decided to go ahead and do that next cycle. He shared some great info about his preference for letrozole over clomid. He encourage DH to keep bicycling because it is good for stress release and he didn't worry too much about his bike seat being to blame for any sperm dysfunction. We had a brief chat about their shared risk insurance policy and I appreciated his frankness and compassion. (more on this in a sec) And then it got even better. After an hour with him, our "personal" nurse came in. Because they are a big clinic they assign a nurse to each patient so that you have one nurse's email and phone to contact directly for any questions. She sat and chatted with us for over 20 minutes. And then we met with the finance person. And she explained the shared risk plan to me. I know the concept of this insurance plan (pay one fee, roughly the cost of 2 1/2 cycles, and then get 3 fresh and 3 frozen. If you don't bring home a baby, then a partial refund), but never had seen the details. She gave us price sheets and details- and I feel like we have the information we need IF we need IVF in order to decide whether or not and how to proceed. But for now- this new doctor really encouraged us to try a few IUIs. I asked point blank if it was a waste of time with DHs low counts, and he said definitely not. So, I feel good about moving forward with IUI#2. I am already on CD6. My day 13 U/S is in 6 days. And if all goes as planned- IUI next Saturday.
Trying to focus on hoping in what could be possible....