Minus the guesswork

Even if this is a BFN, there is something nice about knowing that we did everything within our control to try for the BFP. DH and I were having this conversation in the car last night and it set a great tone for the weekend.

For the past almost two years now, almost every cycle has been a guessing game of charting temps, watching CM, trying to make sure it is timed right. And then in the end, my period would come and I really wouldn't know if we had indeed timed it right and it just didn't work or if we missed the timing. It was all left to guesswork and second guessing. And it lent itself to feelings of failure, having no idea if we did it "right."

This time- we know we got the timing as close as humanely possible. There is nothing else we could have done. The swimmers were given a head start to make there way up the two little tubes. They were able to bypass part of the swim and instead jump head first, making it easier on these borderline boys. Sure, they were low in numbers, but we know they were the best 3 millions swimmers, all the weaklings were, in theory, left behind in the lab. And, it's worth point out that these poor morphology, low motility, borderline swimmers have gotten me pregnant twice already with no sperm-washing assistance. And we know these best swimmers had three nice plump follicles that were triggered by hcg to release at as close to the perfect timing as possible. One in the left and two in the right ovary. We did everything possible. And that makes me feel like I will be okay with a BFN. At least I know that we did everything we could to try with much less guess work involved.

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As I have mentioned before, we have been working on our homestudy for over two years for an adoption. Two years ago, before we even started TTC, we started the adoption process for Yolle, our teenage daughter we tried to adopt. When that fell through, we sat on the unfinished homestudy for a long time. We had our first miscarriage. We sat on it some more. Worked on it a bit really diligently once the grief cloud lifted. Had our second miscarriage. Months of not working on it. Feeling indecisive. (Not really liking our social worker, which doesn't help matters.) Well, we finally found our inertia again and in August, we decided to pick two weekends in October that we would finish our workbook homework which is the major hold-up in the process right now. This weekend happens to be one of the weekends we picked. And it has been a nice and surprisingly a healing exercise in the midst of the IUI countdown. I have found that the workbook, is really well written, and while I feared that my feelings of paralysis and indecision would rear their ugly heads, instead i am getting excited and finding it healing to work through the book. The book so far has talked a lot about loss- loss for the adopted child, loss for the birth parents, and loss for the adoptive parents. And in all that, I am finding a release for some of the loss related to the miscarriage that was holding me back from the adoption journey. I don't think it was an accident that we chose this weekend to work on the book.