Ugg

****UPDATED- So 1 hour later the storm has passed a bit since writing this and I am realizing after cleaning up the mess from sobbing on DHs unexpected shoulder that this was probably more of a hormone-induced freak out session than I thought at the time. I am feeling a bit more like me. Not that the heart of this emotion isn't valid- so I will leave it unedited it for you to experience it in all its rawness. Ugg.

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I don't feel very good. It's partly physical, but that's not entirely it. Physically I feel "ugg", but my mental state and spiritual states are "ugg" as well.

I realized tonight that have I have been in this space before. Not too long ago. I feel the same tonight as I did during the wait in between finding out I was pregnant for the second time and waiting until 8 weeks for my 1st ultrasound. The wait to know if the second time would be any different then the first.

Tonight I feel like just saying "i'm done- i can't do this anymore and I don't want to do this anymore." done. And as I said that in my head, I flashbacked to the last time I felt like this- that waiting period in my 2nd pregnancy. I felt this exact same way. Not sure if I could go on with the wait. Not sure if was, am, strong enough to go through this. Berating myself that i am so weak as to not fight for something (I thought) I wanted so badly. I am so ready to just give up. to let go of it all. I don't know if I want it badly enough. I don't know if I am capable of surrendering. And I know that is what I need to do. To let go and know that I DON'T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER ANY OF THIS. The control I "think" I have in day to day life, is actually just made-up. I really have no ability to control how any of this is going to end. And I am not okay with that.

I thought i would be able to find a centered place in going through this infertility journey. A place of not holding to a certain outcome, a place of taking each day as it come, a place of some-what letting go. i don't think i am capable of that.

Add in a healthy dose of hormones to throw me out of whack, and i am a mess tonight.