Commence maternity leave

As of 2:30pm today, I was out the door of my office and my maternity leave official has begun.  My head is spinning.

I have done some intense barganing with baby to at least stay put for 24 hours.  I so look forward to having a full day to do nothing.  Rather, a full day to do what I want to do and not be worried about work.

I'll also admit that I feel a flood of emotions about being done with my job ("done" meaning temporarily done-  I still may go back, I still may quit-  jury is still out though).  Well to be honest, I have had a flood of emotions about my job in general this pregnancy.  That was something I definitely didn't expect-  I loathed my job so intensely in the first part of my pregnancy.  Then there was a time period where it was fine, I could tolerate it-  didn't love it but didn't hate it.  And then this last trimester has been a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts-  I am sure mostly tied to me re-navigating my identity and what my career does or doesn't have to do with my identity. (Not to mention a big shake up in our office that has been insane). But bottom line-  my emotions have been all over the map when it comes to my career, this job, my dreams and thoughts for the future.  All over the map.  And I wasn't expecting that.  I truly thought if I were to get pregnant I would easily walk away from this job.  As it never was meant to be a long term gig..

I need a bit of time emotionally to decompress and step into this world of maternity leave.  Hoping the baby gives me a little time.  I will be taking 4 months off for maternity leave and I really feel like I am poised to be able to have clear boundaries with my office so that I don't get sucked in to doing work or answering umpteen questions while I am on leave. 

I am so so so treasuring this next window of time.  And I know that it is time I will never get back.

It is getting more and more real