I don't feel great today. I don't know why. I think AF is coming, so that is probably it. But I just don't feel myself.
I have lost hope in this cycle. Just a gut feeling. I also took my temp this morning after not charting it for the past week. Which truly doesn't tell me much having missed many days of temping, but I am convinced my temp is on the way down.
Today is 12dpo. The final POAS time is almost here. I almost tested today, but then realized I think I only have one peestick left. So I am waiting...
There are glimpses, when I am so centered, that I can embrace the idea of "someday" having a child, and be totally at peace with not knowing when that "someday" will be AND I can simultaneously find joy in the planning in other non-TTC areas of my life- like travel, getting in better shape, or career aspirations. There are moments!
But then, more often then not, I feel like I can only have one or the other- I can only be TTC OR having a full life in the hear and now. I just wish I could not get so wrapped up in this TTC. I wish I could not care what happens with the 2WW, I wish I could just trust that it is all going to be okay and that it will happen eventually....
The b**bs hurt so badly. They have hurt everyday since I ovulated. 12 days people! I am so tired of them throbbing. And google is freaking me out (and pissing me off)- I can't tell if I have a nice healthy level of progesterone and that is the cause or if I have too much estrogen and low progesterone and that is the cause. But they really shouldn't be hurting for 12 days straight?!! This isn't even a medicated cycle- this is just my own hormones flippin' out.