I don't feel great today. I don't know why. I think AF is coming, so that is probably it. But I just don't feel myself.
I have lost hope in this cycle. Just a gut feeling. I also took my temp this morning after not charting it for the past week. Which truly doesn't tell me much having missed many days of temping, but I am convinced my temp is on the way down.
Today is 12dpo. The final POAS time is almost here. I almost tested today, but then realized I think I only have one peestick left. So I am waiting...
There are glimpses, when I am so centered, that I can embrace the idea of "someday" having a child, and be totally at peace with not knowing when that "someday" will be AND I can simultaneously find joy in the planning in other non-TTC areas of my life- like travel, getting in better shape, or career aspirations. There are moments!
But then, more often then not, I feel like I can only have one or the other- I can only be TTC OR having a full life in the hear and now. I just wish I could not get so wrapped up in this TTC. I wish I could not care what happens with the 2WW, I wish I could just trust that it is all going to be okay and that it will happen eventually....
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The b**bs hurt so badly. They have hurt everyday since I ovulated. 12 days people! I am so tired of them throbbing. And google is freaking me out (and pissing me off)- I can't tell if I have a nice healthy level of progesterone and that is the cause or if I have too much estrogen and low progesterone and that is the cause. But they really shouldn't be hurting for 12 days straight?!! This isn't even a medicated cycle- this is just my own hormones flippin' out.
It is frustrating how we can't count on our bodies to at least be consistent from one cycle to the next. I've had the 12 day bbs hurting and the three day. Just depends on the cycle. Don't let anyone freak you out. One thing I've learned is that no one really knows what reliable 'symptoms' are and what should be consistent from one cycle to the next and what shouldn't. No one knows as much as they think they do. There is SO much that we can't know. And that is in part why the 2ww is so frustrating.
ReplyDeleteI SO hear you about not feeling like I can have both. I can't stop being "in" the 2ww, and no where else, either (i'm also 12 dpo) and it's ruining my weekend. And it sucks because I know how fabulous a good strong positive would make me - I know it's not that i'd be miserable no matter what happens, i'm just miserable that I'm not pregnant or a mom. This could all just float away like a bad dream if it was just as simple as some people make it look.
FXed for your test day!
When I have my good days, I feel like I can conquer the world. On my bad days, I feel like I don't want to do anything. Nothing matters at all.
ReplyDelete(Hugs) I am very sorry you're going through this as well.
Like you, I have days that I am consumed with TTC and others where I am ready to brush all of this off and go reclaim my life. Yet, why do we always come back full circle to fixating on our ability to conceive? It's all far beyond me and I never thought I'd be "one of those people" Yet, her I sit, one of those people! The apitomy of what I never wanted to be, but there again I never thought I would have suffered the loss of a child either. It's all just so complicated!
ReplyDeletePraying we all find the avenue which takes on a clear path...one where we can find JOY and relax.
Hugs,
Andrea
www.persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com
Just want you to know I'm thinking of you.
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