Sunday, December 6, 2009

Too much thinking time on my hands

This weekend DH asked me more than once- "You seem a bit pensive?". I don't know why exactly. I think I have had too much time on my hands- (nice problem to have, huh?!) I have been counting and recounting the days until I can POAS. Why I recount them, I don't know- it isn't like it changes from one minute to the next. I spend too much time thinking "what if". Too much time to hoping for the outcome I want. I also (for the first time in a long time) really believed that getting pregnant IS possible this cycle, and then it dawned on me that that also means a miscarriage would be possible. Which I know, I can't even go down that road of worrying. But sometimes I get so caught up in our difficulty GETTING pregnant that I conveniently forget that staying pregnant has been our even bigger problem.

So I have decided to stop charting my temp the remainder of this cycle. The only reason I would chart is to watch for the temperature drop signaling AF is near. And I don't want to daily put energy into waiting for that. I am hoping that by not charting for this next week, I can just "be" and let go.


  1. it looks like we're on similar timeline...i also am waiting to POAS and dreading arrival of possible AF. which date is your AF due? lets hope our AF gets in a plane crash over the ocean and doesn't make the landing.

    i know EXACTLY what you mean about waiting for BFP that you sometimes forget what our perhaps bigger hurdle is - successfully carrying the baby. it doesn't just stop at BFP for us. i'm not even going to say stay positive because really, that's impossible, but lets try to stay sane at least! i hope to exchange BFP stories with you soon!

  2. I never temped....i think I never wanted to feel bad before AF....she is bad enough when she arrives. Fingers crossed for you! good luck not counting this month, i could never not count.

  3. Here we are again! Hoping this is both of our cycles. I'm still temping but have not decided when to test. After last cycle I guess I'm hoping for another implantation dip.

    I completely hear you on the whole "but what about m/c? thats really what i should be worried about!" So much so that when AF arrives, I am consoled by the thought of: well AF is better than getting pregnant and then miscarrying so I'm a step ahead of where I could be. Yay for AF! The worst didn't happen! I know that's kind of jacked logic and it doesn't mean I'm not sorely disappointed - but hey, whatever keeps us even a little afloat, right?

  4. New to your blog and happy to have found it :)

    Hope that you find peace and can just "be" I've never charted, as I feel like it would cause me more anxiety than I could take. Instead, I pee on sticks!

    Its so sad that we've been robbed of our innocence. Pregnancy should bring about JOY, but for those of us who walk this path it brings about anxiety and fear. I only pray that we all see + signs very soon. Sending you loads of baby dust! Stop by my blog sometime

  5. I can totally relate to what you've written -- sometimes every effort is put toward getting pregnant (which is the necessary first step), but then we remember our history with loss and realize there is still so far to go.
    I'm also in the 2 week wait right now. Hoping we'll both have good news very soon!