choice

Two weeks ago I got an email from the job I had applied for and done a preliminary interview. The email said that they would be contacting the finalists that make it to round #2 interviews within two weeks. Time's up. I did not get a call.

And I am so absolutely relieved.

I have started seeing a counselor. I have gone only twice so far. Two 50 minute sessions and the light bulbs were going off all over the place. For the days and weeks following the appointment I was seeing things differently, asking different questions, walking a new path--- or rather getting back on the track I want to be on.

In hindsight, I can see that I applied for that job out of desperation. I was at low point and in that funk, everything seemed even worse off than it really was. I was feeling like I was unappreciated and underutilized in my one job. And feeling like my non-profit we started was going no where and facing roadblock after road block. I was growing desperate and losing hope in the TTC process. And I was feeling like I no longer had control over getting in life what I wanted.

So I applied for a full-time job. And got a first interview.

I used to have a counselor years ago that I saw regularly for a while and then just intermittently. She retired, I was feeling balanced, and it was a good time to walk away from counseling. But years later, after I came back from grad school, I felt the need to start again. I searched and search- finally chose one, and after 4 or 5 sessions it just wasn't a good fit. She wasn't very good. That was a year and a half ago and I have since drug my feet finding another one- But about a month ago, I realized, it was no longer an option to drag my feet. I needed to take the plunge again. Two sessions later I like this one well enough, but more importantly I feel like she is good at what she does. She has been very systematic with me in exploring the edges and the heart of things and asking the right questions.

Getting that first job interview was the final straw for me to find a counselor. (That should have been a clear enough red flag for me that the job wasn't the right direction- when getting a job interview causes you to want to see a counselor, something istn' right) I knew that following this path of this new job was stirring up stuff and I was having problems discerning whether to follow the job possibility or not.

In the first session, the a-ha moment was as simple as her asking the question "What are your priorities?" She also prefaced this with talking about the "costs" involved in pursuing any dream. There is a cost involved- financial, but also a personal- time, energy, health etc - to me pursuing my own start up business. There is a cost in me working a part time job in that it doesn't advance my career as much as a full time job and pays less. There is a cost to trying to get pregnant. And There is a cost in taking a full time job, even though it pays more, I would still have to give up other things in life.

It became so clear to me that the path I am on is the path that I am choosing. I think I had started to feel like I know longer had a choice in life (victim mentally). But I have started to realize that this IS what I want. I am okay with the fact that being in a part-time job lacks the clout, salary, and career advancement of a full time job- but it means that I have time to pursue my own business (not to mention all the infertility appointments). It makes for an almost ideal job when we do have a family, given it is in my field of work and it is only 2 1/2 days a week (with a daycare on site and at the same place my husband works). And I am okay with it because I am choosing to invest this chapter of my life to growing our family. And given our TTC journey, it is taking more of an investment then I had planned on or wanted, but given those are the cards we have been dealt, I am CHOOSING to give it my all. Even if I have to give up a little here and there.

At some point, my choices might look different. At some point, I might decide that the sacrifices are too much, and I might change my direction. But for now, I am finding some freedom and direction in acknowledging that, while there are costs to any path I choose, this is what I am choosing.