U/S Dillema: Advice Needed

My clinic's standard protocol is to do the first u/s at 7 weeks. On my IVF calendar it says if you get pregnant to schedule the u/s at 7 weeks. And my nurse gave me those instructions too on the phone when she called with my doubling HCG. But when she transferred me to the receptionist, the receptionist asked me what day I wanted to u/s and left it wide open to pick any day. So of course, as a RPLer I picked a date EARLIER than 7 weeks.

But this is my dilemma: When do I want my first u/s? And will my clinic care when I show up on my u/s and they realize it is earlier than 7 weeks?

I scheduled it for 6 weeks 3 days. (Help me with my math: If my ER was on 2/8 and my u/s is scheduled for 3/11, that is 6 wks 3 days, yes?)

I scheduled it early for several reasons:
With a history of two blighted ovums, the thought of waiting all the way until 7 weeks is torture. Also, because of the weekend, my options, if I wanted it early, were having it on 6wk3days or 6wk6days (I didn't even consider earlier than 6wk3days). And I like the idea of knowing something before the weekend.

The down side is of course what if it too early to see a heartbeat. Having had two miscarriages in which we never even saw a fetal pole, my head tells me that I would find some comfort at least in seeing a fetal pole measuring on track even if the hb isn't visible yet. And if it is another blighted ovum (ugg, that is hard to even fathom) well at 6wk3days we see another empty sac and we'd know our fate, especially given there is no question of when conception occurred (unlike my other 2 natural cycles). But I could always suck it up and wait until 6wk6days and I'd have a more definite answer. But then the other side of me argues that I have seen plenty of people see a heartbeat early into 6wks and so 6wk3day shouldn't be too early.

And then the side of me that is a rule follower feels deceptive having scheduled so early when the instructions were to come in at 7wks. But the other side of me says screw rules, this has been a tough road and I should be able to ask for what I want and need. But is an earlier u/s what I want?

GRrrrrr- and I end up just going round and round in my head like that.

Right now I am scheduled for 3/11 at 6wk3day. I need to decide if I should reschedule it after the weekend and push it out to 6wk6days (or, gulp, even later).

Help?

Double, baby, Double.

(*First, I just want to speak from the heart and say to any readers who find it hard to read any of my recent posts (or posts to come) that may contain the "p" word, or posts in which I am ecstatic with good news, know that I never ever intend to be hurtful or insensitive to other readers who may not be in a good place right now. I said it in this post and I'll say it again "My heart feels like it is pushed to the max at the depth and breadth of loss and joy that exists simultaneously in this community. It is rarely anything in between. The losses of life, of innocence, and of hope are brutal. And the joys- of new life and of hope anew are beyond our wildest dreams." And I am very aware of that tension with every post I write. I hope that in being real in my writing I don't unintentionally cause hurt to others. And I totally get if you ever need to step away. Truly.)

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Waiting for the nurse to call today almost KILLED me. My blood work was at 745am this morning. And on Wednesday, I had my bw at the same time and the nurse called at 12:30pm. So I had it in my head she would call in a similar timeframe. But NO, she didn't call until 3pm. I was so completely unproductive at work. I had convinced myself that the news was bad or something freaky happened and she was having to wait on the doctor to find out what to do with me. I envisioned SO many crazy things in that several fretful hours of waiting. I really wanted to call and bug her, but the side of me that insists on being the "good" patient, the "low-maintenance" patient won out and I refrained (this time) from calling.

And, oh, it was worth the wait.

358.

Doubling time of 41 hours (if I used the online calculator correctly). Up from 162 on Wednesday (yes, this time I remembered to write it down when she called, but I still had to ask three times because I was barely keeping my head on straight.

Oh my! Oh my! Oh my!

And I feel hopeful, people. HOPEFUL! I didn't think it was possible to hope again. But somewhere, somehow it has crept in, and for today I am hopeful, calm, and feeling like I have what it takes to make it through this next very long wait until the u/s.

Oh, I hope so.

Beta Day (Updated with numbers)

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Update

Nurse called today 12:30pm. Said, "I have good news for you" Oh that was music to my ears. Beta level is 160 something. Holy crapola! Now I don't know much but from what I can tell that is a REASSURING NUMBER if I ever heard one!! She said they just want to see above 50. I'll admit I stopped listening after I heard 100, so it could have been 150 something, but I think she said 160 something. I'll have to email her to confirm and from now on start listening better when she calls. I am truly in shock.

I LOVE all of you. You comments have been the best. You crack me up though as collectively you all have even less patience than my mother! I could read your comments from work but I can't post anything- so all day I saw you all pleading for me to post a number and there was nothing I could do. But it sure did keep me entertained all day long. All my love to all of you!

For post earlier today, click here

Beta Day

I took a break from pee sticks yesterday. I needed to clear my head and not think about it for a day. I needed to lessen my chance of another less than certain answer.

Today is Beta day. I go in to check my HCG levels early this morning, 10dp5dt. But I needed to prepare myself a little bit, to cushion the nurse's phone call later today. I wanted to know something, anything, in the privacy of my own home.

So I peed on a stick again this morning.

It was 4:30am. I couldn't sleep.

There was no tilting, squinting, bright lights needed today.


It was most definitely NOT Negative.


Fine Print: My head is racing and oddly calm all at the same time. I am grateful but also scared out of my mind. I am optimistic but also already planning for the worst. I am absolutely in love with this bundle of cells but also completely emotionally unattached.

I guess this is how it goes in the world of multiple miscarriages and three years of unfulfilled hopes. So for today, cautious celebration is much as I can muster as we wait out this very long next several days, weeks. Cautious Celebration. Definite answers as to how this story will unfold will only come over a very long time. This much I have learned.

When an answer isn't an answer- 8dp5dt

I POAS early this morning- today is 8dp5dt. And I don't even know what to report. It wasn't negative. I can say that much. I know the stark whiteness of a BFN. It wasn't negative.

But I can't say it was positive either. There needs to be a category for somewhere in between. Instead of BFN and BFP, we need to add BFM- Big Fat Maybe. Or BFW- Big Fat Who-the-Heck-Knows. Or BFH- Big Fat Hallucination.

A very very very faint line did appear- but it definitely took its time in appearing. Seriously, it is just a joke of a faint line. And I had to look at it 10 different times to make sure I wasn't imagining it. Nothing about it is reassuring. Nothing.

This can't be a good sign for it to be this faint at this many days past transfer. My guess is chemical pregnancy. I had a little crying fit this morning and now I am just numb. It is a reminder that this is just how this journey goes- you never really know anything. Answers only come over time.

So I wait- wait to see what the bloodwork shows on Wednesday. I know that HCG is doubling fast at this point, I know it could have just been a late implanter, I know it is still a bit early, I know that a positive HPT is a positive. I know all of that. But still. Grr....

We'll see what Wednesday tell us. And if there is any HCG in my blood by then, then I wait again to see if it doubles. And then more waiting.

At the moment I am doing okay. I am starting to set goals in case this is negative- goals to get back in the gym, goals to get my taxes done, things that can keep my mind occupied until our next cycle. And that is bringing me some comfort. And I guess I have to admit that a BFM(aybe) is still better than a BFN at this point. But...grrr... it is cause for pulling hair out. I thought if I waited until today I would be in the safe zone of getting a more confident test result from an HPT.

Grrr..

Despair creeps in where it can

Random conversation with DH yesterday:

ME: How amazing is it that HCG is ONLY created by the body while pregnant! You think of all the many hormones in the body that have dual purposes, but HCG is only created when pregnant. I wonder who ever figured out that you could test for it in the urine. Seems like such a random discovery!

DH: Probably the same person who first came across an artichoke in the wild and guessed it was edible.


I think we are starting to lose our minds in this household.

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In reading the many many blog stories over the years, I noticed that it is very common at some point in the 2ww to hit a wall where hope flies out the window. I often read stories of women who sail along, hanging on to optimism, and then wham- they'll post a blog in total desperation convinced (without reason yet to be) that the cycle has failed.

I've made a mental note for this in preparation for this cycle. Knowing this might be the case. But this mental note in my head isn't helping my heart out at all.

I am starting to dip into some despair. Desperate for this to work but scared to death that is hasn't. Just two days ago I was so proud of myself for feeling like even if this is a BFN, I trusted I'd be able to keep my chin up and move on to try again. Now my racing mind has me on the verge of being a basket case.

Just days ago cramping felt like a good sign, now any little twinge is convincing me AF is making itself ready. Just days ago I was cursing OHSS and begging for relief, and now (after just one day of feeling much better) I am convinced that I am not pregnant (as pregnancy exacerbates OHSS symptoms).

DH on the other hand is so beyond giddy, he can't contain himself. I am grateful one of is. It helps a bit, but I also find myself wanting to protect him from disappointment. We have been down this road before and it has never ended good.

I know I need to step away from Google for a while. I always THINK that Googling every little fear and worry will bring me some comfort, but it never really does. Bottom line, I want to know if this cycle will bring home a real live baby and the reality is that there is no amount of googling that can tell me that. So for the next 48 hours I am banning myself from google and hoping I can find my zen spot, trusting that regardless of what is to come, I am going to be okay.

Within the Pee Zone

Today is 6dp5dt. Crazy.

Today marks (what I consider as) the start of the Pee Zone. The days in which I would consider starting to POAS. (I would pee on a stick every day and have considered it, but i think that will only send me to the loony bin sooner.)


To pee or not to pee has been debated in our household. DH wants to wait and I, well I still don't know what I want to do. I think I have narrowed it down to waiting until Monday (13 dpo) which is plenty safe in my head. My BETA isn't until Wednesday and I just can' imagine holding off all the way until then (15dpo).

First step though? I need to actually go BUY pee sticks. Not having any in the house is a good excersice in self control. Even if I wanted to I couldn't.

We will see....

4dp5dt- The good and the errr..not so good

The good-

-time is going fast- I smiled when I counted the days on my hand just now for the title of this post. In all of our 2ww waits (over the past three years!) this has been the easiest (so far- ask me again next week). DH and I are going out of town until Saturday, so hopefully time will keep going fast.

-Mild cramping on Tuesday and Wednesday - I know it is strange to put this in the category of good things, but it was nice to feel "something" happening down there. Who knows if it is really implantation, or just side effects of progesterone, or my uterus freaking out from all of the attention is has been getting, but I was oddly comforted by this cramping.

-I have been away from the office several days this past week due to meetings and days I took off and as a result I avoided a nasty bug that spread to two thirds of my co-workers. So grateful to not get sick during my 2ww.

_ I have received some sweet messages out of the blue that have been so dear to me of people IRL who are rooting for this embryo. The importance of community through all of this is unmeasurable.

The not so good

-OHSS sucks. Really sucks. I am glad to say (knock on wood, on please don't let me be jinxed by saying this) that I am starting to feel better. On the day of my transfer my doctor gave me a serious lecture about canceling the transfer. I was shocked because my case is still considered mild. But learned that getting pregnant can fuel it and make it even worse. The worst by far for me was the difficulty breathing- actually I have seen it written some places that it is really more of just a sensation that it is difficult to breathe and that is so true. But oh it was awful. The bloating sucked, the pain wasn't fun, the 5lb gain in 5 days wasn't cool, but it was the breathing issue that sent me over the edge. I still have some of this that comes and goes, but much better. It started coming on a few days after the ER and was the worst 4dp ER (Saturday). Started getting better 8 dp ER.
Crossing my fingers.


*I feel like I don't say this enough, but thanks for all the comments. I have been so encouraged knowing there are so many blogger buds that "get it". I couldn't do this without you.

Freeze report

Both or our remaining embryos, count them- TWO!, made it to Day 6 and were high enough quality to freeze. Two embryos hanging out for a future try. My clinic doesn't give embryo grad reports which is a bummer, but she said they only freeze good quality.

It makes the chaos and fear of Transfer Day even more worth it.

More than you wanted to know about my Embryo Transfer

Transfer day yesterday- Wowsers, that was not easy at all. I knew from IUIs that having to have a full bladder is tough. But I am also dealing with some OHSS (more on that in another post) and I imagine my endo might have added to the pain. So, it was pretty brutal. PLUS turns out I have challenging anatomy. I think it took 4 times to get my cervix in position. (Ouch x 4) And then the practice run was so difficult getting the catheter to feed to my uterus (I guess the angle was near impossible) that they scrapped plan a and went to plan b. Which I don't understand exactly- DH could explain as he watched the whole thing and found it fascinating. Something though about leaving the practice catheter in me, and feeding the actual embryo filled syringe on the end, instead of putting a whole new line in me as planned. But I still not sure what all was going on.

All I know is I pulled my hood up over my head, grasping DH's hand, trying not to die from the pain, the bladder pressure, and the absolute fear. The doctor was clearly frazzled with how difficult of a case I was. And at one point she was struggling so much with it that I felt tears welling up so terrified that she was going to tell me it wasn't going to be possible. It was taking forever and nothing was going smoothly. Then at the very end I could hear relief slowly coming into the doctor's voice and she started saying "Excellent" - slowly at first and then she started repeating the word faster and faster and more confidently as she finished things up. And I started to relax a bit. And then next thing I knew the room seemed to pause for what seemed like a full minute, and then the embryologist yelled from the lab "All clear"- meaning the syringe that had held our embryo had been passed back to her for inspection and she confirmed it was empty. And you could tell the whole room (Doctor, u/s tech, assistant, two embryologists, and DH) exhaled.

I would have exhaled, however I was trying not to pee on the medical staff.

And presumably the embryo was left in my uterus. This is the part I am struggling with.

It is so tiny. Almost non-existent. I never really contemplated it much before that day,they always look so big in people's pictures. but seeing the needle that they suck it up into, and realizing it truly is microsopic. All of this fuss and effort, and it is so freaking tiny? How do they know it really is in my uterus? How does it not get stuck somewhere along the path to my uterus? How is it that it doesn't fall out after the procedure (they let me pee right away afterwards and then had me rest)? And (warning TMI) what about my bout of err..ummm.. consti.pation later that day? Wouldn't all the extra pushing and straining squeeze it right out of there? Maybe they should have cultured it until it was a bit bigger- I'm thinking, oh, 9 months gestation!!?? And maybe after all this frickin' effort and (money, OMG the money) we should have thrown two or TWENTY in there just for good measure. And maybe today I should have stayed home instead of going to work and maybe....maybe....

............Deep breath. Deep, deep breath.

I think what I am actually feeling is helplessness. And I suppose that is to be expected. It happened after my IUIs each time. By the time you get to this point, you are at the end of what you can control.

There is nothing more I can possibly do but step off the cliff and free fall. Trusting I did all I could.

Transfer complete.

Transfer is complete.

Now we wait.

Three of our 6 embryos made it to today. One of them was top quality, so they recommended transferring just 1. I think they said grade AAB (but DH heard ABB). Regardless I don't know quite what that means, but the embryologist said anything with an A in the grading is worthy of qualifying to be a single embryo transfer. Our clinic encourages Elective Single Embryo transfer when there is 1 top quality embryo. In fact, they didn't even give us the choice of doing two, which was fine by me.

We'll know tomorrow how the other two fair and whether they make it to freeze.

I'll share more details later as the day wasn't what I had expected.

Snipits

This week I went to a get together of women at our church. We are fairly new at this church and I thought it would be a good way to get to know some more people, which it was. I had a great time as they are almost all around my age- but I couldn't help sharing this story. Near the end of the night, people had migrated to the table I was at and before long there was only 4 of us at the table. On my right, a women was was 7 months pregnant and and my left a women was was 8 months pregnant. And I am not making this up- across from me was a L&D nurse at the local hospital. The ENTIRE conversation was about babies and labor and pregnancy, and CONSTANT belly rubbing. I just had to laugh inside, the irony of it. I think this is the only time in the past three years of IF though that I had the emotional centeredness, and enough hopefulness, to be able to sit there without vomiting. I did not run away, and I actually enjoyed the evening.

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I talk with my mom frequently. We have a decent relationship but it takes work at times on my part. I tell her quite a bit about our IVF because she was infertile and had endo. And she mostly understands. She has been a pretty good cheerleader through this. She knew we'd get our fertilization report on Wednesday. Once she heard from my husband the news that we had embryos growing, I got a text message from her and all it said was "I've started knitting the baptismal blanket." Having someone else hope just as fervently as we are, maybe even more fervently, brings tears to my eyes.

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Transfer is tomorrow at 10:45am; We'll also get a report for the first time as to quality of our embryos.

more news

first, thanks so much for all the supportive comments and for those of you who know this path better than I. I definitely stopped (some) of my worrying.

Nurse called today. I was nervous for this call. As best as I understand, ideally making it to a day 5 transfer is preferred. (Again, any one who has more IVF know-how that me please chime in). When we found out there were only 6, that seemed like such a frail number; I didn't want to hold out hope still for a day 5 transfer. So, I anxiously answered the phone today when the nurse called.

But my nurse called and said that WE ARE DOING OUR TRANSFER ON SUNDAY. Day 5! She didn't have much more to report, but I am hoping that means that all 6 are growing strong. In an ideal world, come Sunday we will have one stellar quality. If we have one excellent embryo, we will transfer just one. That's our first choice. But we will see.

I also asked her (because I had forgotten to ask before) about how many of the 17 eggs they retrieved were mature and she said 13- (which I think is a pretty good percentage?) but for some reason, 5 of the eggs, even with icsi didn't want to fertilize.

On the positive side, time is going quickly and for that I am grateful. Things seem to be going well so far and I am glad for that. And I am grateful that up until know I have felt great. However...I am feeling pretty crappy now. I hate complaining, but I need to vent. I am bloated, still a bit sore and crampy down there, my breathing is uncomfortable, and I just feel full. I've had nauseousness (from the progesterone?) and my girls are sore and full. This morning I was in such a crabby mood I couldn't even stand to be around myself! That bad.

Sigh, I hope it passes. I hope I am still just recovering from the retrieval and that I start to feel more like myself soon.

In the meantime I am thrilled to be rooting for our 6 embryos, I just can't believe we actually have embryos, our embryos...

Fertilization report...Sigh....(updated)

Sigh...only 6 fertilized. Not the stellar report I was hoping for. On one hand I am grateful we had 17 eggs to start with, cuz it is scary to think of how few embryos we might have gotten had we started with less eggs. But I also very much dislike such a low fertilization percentage.

F#&k.

So is is my eggs? His sperm? Is there something else going on that we don't know about? Or is this just the way it goes?

I don't know what to feel right now. I know we only need 1 good one. Maybe I am overreacting. But 6 seems like such a fragile number. Especially given we don't know anything yet about quality.

It is times like these I realize I don't know enough about IVF to know when to worry and when not to worry.

Oh, this roller coaster is hard sometimes. Okay- All the time.

UPDATED: My nurse didn't tell me and I didn't think to ask how many of the 17 were mature. When I talked with her next, I asked and she said 13 were mature- I can live with that. So, for some reason 1/2 of the mature didn't want to fertilize even with icsi.

17

17 retrieved.

As we speak they are making embryos. Our embryos. I am so so grateful.

Everything went smoothly.

I'm crawling into bed and sleeping for a while. More details to come

When even blogland isn't safe.

When I first started blogging about infertility, I, like so many others, was drawn in by the amazing community of fellow "strangers" that willingly stood beside me and said "I will walk this road with you." The selfless gestures of compassion has brought healing and strength in ways I couldn't have ever imagined.

But I also quickly realized that even the IF blog community has its mine fields. It isn't entirely safe when our souls are tired and wounded.

When I first started blogging, I was drawn to bloggy folks that had similar stories to mine- multiple miscarriages, trying for first child, etc. I think it is only natural to find community with those that you feel understand you. But inevitably, the pregnancies started happening, and happening, and happening... and slowly I realized that my grief was still too deep and raw to be able to be the kind of fellow blog friend I would have liked. And I found myself pulling away as, even in IF blogland, I was starting to feel left behind.

Months turned to years, and we had exhausted all options, short of IVF. However, life and financial circumstances prohibited us from entertaining IVF at the time. And again there were places in blogland that I just couldn't step. Following along with dear friends who were moving on to IVF brought emotions of envy, anger, and despair, emotions I loathe to admit. I didn't think that IVF would ever be an option for us.

And now, yet again, I am aware of the caverns of hurt and longing that are very real, even in this safe community. I cringe as I post updates about how excited I am about IVF, knowing there are so many dear women in this community that are in the depths of despair right now and feeling like they are out of options. I cringe as I post updates of how swell this cycle is going for me, when I know some readers are experiencing less than ideal news of their cycles. And my heart feels like it is pushed to the max at the depth and breadth of loss and joy that exists simultaneously in this community. It is rarely anything in between. The losses- of life, of innocence, of hope- are brutal, forever reshaping who we are. And the joys- of new life, of hope anew, and of inner strength unearthed- are beyond our wildest dreams.

The scope of all of it brings me to my knees. I hope in the process though, I can learn to truly be present with all people in my life- in the midst of the mine fields of hope and despair. And I hope that wherever you find yourself right now, whether it be in the joy or in the losses, that there is someone coming up beside you to say, "Wherever you are, I will walk this road with you."

Tuesday it is!

Trigger tonight.
ER is Tuesday morning- 9am.
Holy S*#T!

It is finally here. And when the nurse called, I was overcome with this feeling of not being ready, like mentally it was too soon. So ironic, given I have been impatient this ENTIRE cycle. And now it is finally here and I am questioning whether or not I am ready for this. HA! I am a nutcase.

But I am beyond grateful just the same. It is here, it is finally here. And it hasn't been all that bad so far. After my u/s this morning DH sat in worship together at our church and the tears flowed quickly... out of sheer gratitude that this journey has not entirely broken us. We can still hope, and that never ceases to amaze me.

Lots of follicles- Like 17 on one side and 13 on another. Egad! Which of course makes me worry about OHSS risks. Estrogen was 2715 I think.

Oh, I am good at worrying. There is always something to worry about.

Big deep breath. Here we go.....

CD 8 (Sorry, can't think of a better title)

Being it was a Saturday DH got to come with to my u/s appointment today to check out the follies. I am always glad when he gets to be a part of the process. I love that he finds is fascinating to see my follicles via a vaginal u/s. ha!

The tech didn't tell me much today, so I am still waiting for the doc/nurse to call, but there were 10 on my left that she measured that were between 10mm and 18 mm. (and 6 or more unmeasurable size yet). And on the right, I didn't get the exact count but I'd say 7 that measured 11mm to 16mm. And a bunch she didn't measure.

They are having me come back again tomorrow, which i don't mind. I thought all these appointments would have felt draining and a chore, but so far I like that I am "doing" something rather than just waiting.

I'm still guessing Wednesday for retrieval, which was the most likely date all along. But who knows.

I am starting to feel full and my ovaries don't like to be bumped or josseled. Signs of progress. I felt fantastic all the way through Thursday, but yesterday and today I'm starting to feel blah. I'm still hangin' in there fine, but glad I can see the end to the injections.

CD 5 BW and U/S

To quote my nurse, "Everything is exactly how we want it to be."

Ahh, those words made my day.

And I am diggin' the early morning appointments. 7:30am- In and out with no fuss.

Estrodial (spelling?) was 440, she was which was just where they want to see it.

And my follicle count? Something like 14 on the left and 10 on the right! Measuring around 9 I think- compared to my original u/s which only counted 8 total for both ovaries, I was thrilled with this news. Even my right ovary with the big cyst/endometrioma is producing well.

I had a new nurse who hadn't seen me before. And it is obvious when they haven't looked at my charge. The look on her face when she immediately saw the huge cyst. She said subtly to the tech, is there a note of a cyst in her file? Ha! I guess it is quite the big one.

Same meds, same dosage. Next BW and U/S is Saturday morning. Feeling really good, just starting to feel the heaviness of my ovaries. But Truckin' along.

Hello again, February.

My February track record:

February 2008- Pregnant after only the 2nd month of trying. Hallelujah. But we know now how that ended.

February 2009- Pregnant (finally) after a while of trying. Hopeful but terrified. And we know how that ended too.

February 2010- still Not pregnant. Emotionally and physically spent. Hope was hard to come by.

And here you are again February. The first day of the month, February 2011- three years into this journey. And the month in which a beta will tell us whether or not we are pregnant once again.* And I have so much hope for you February. So much hope...

*With the necessary disclaimer that I have no delusions that a positive pregnancy test means a real live baby. I know all too well. Ahhh...one step at a time.
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I feel a bit like a kid at Christmas, or on the last day of school- knowing that something is just around the corner. But my excitement is for my injections. Ha! I get excited several times during the day looking forward to my injection that night. Not because I like the needles poking me over and over (HELL, no!) But because it is one more task closer to the end of this. I am such a dork. And blog land is probably the only place that "gets" the twisted irony of this. :)