I took a break from pee sticks yesterday. I needed to clear my head and not think about it for a day. I needed to lessen my chance of another less than certain answer.
Today is Beta day. I go in to check my HCG levels early this morning, 10dp5dt. But I needed to prepare myself a little bit, to cushion the nurse's phone call later today. I wanted to know something, anything, in the privacy of my own home.
So I peed on a stick again this morning.
It was 4:30am. I couldn't sleep.
There was no tilting, squinting, bright lights needed today.
It was most definitely NOT Negative.
Fine Print: My head is racing and oddly calm all at the same time. I am grateful but also scared out of my mind. I am optimistic but also already planning for the worst. I am absolutely in love with this bundle of cells but also completely emotionally unattached.
I guess this is how it goes in the world of multiple miscarriages and three years of unfulfilled hopes. So for today, cautious celebration is much as I can muster as we wait out this very long next several days, weeks. Cautious Celebration. Definite answers as to how this story will unfold will only come over a very long time. This much I have learned.