Despair creeps in where it can

Random conversation with DH yesterday:

ME: How amazing is it that HCG is ONLY created by the body while pregnant! You think of all the many hormones in the body that have dual purposes, but HCG is only created when pregnant. I wonder who ever figured out that you could test for it in the urine. Seems like such a random discovery!

DH: Probably the same person who first came across an artichoke in the wild and guessed it was edible.


I think we are starting to lose our minds in this household.

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In reading the many many blog stories over the years, I noticed that it is very common at some point in the 2ww to hit a wall where hope flies out the window. I often read stories of women who sail along, hanging on to optimism, and then wham- they'll post a blog in total desperation convinced (without reason yet to be) that the cycle has failed.

I've made a mental note for this in preparation for this cycle. Knowing this might be the case. But this mental note in my head isn't helping my heart out at all.

I am starting to dip into some despair. Desperate for this to work but scared to death that is hasn't. Just two days ago I was so proud of myself for feeling like even if this is a BFN, I trusted I'd be able to keep my chin up and move on to try again. Now my racing mind has me on the verge of being a basket case.

Just days ago cramping felt like a good sign, now any little twinge is convincing me AF is making itself ready. Just days ago I was cursing OHSS and begging for relief, and now (after just one day of feeling much better) I am convinced that I am not pregnant (as pregnancy exacerbates OHSS symptoms).

DH on the other hand is so beyond giddy, he can't contain himself. I am grateful one of is. It helps a bit, but I also find myself wanting to protect him from disappointment. We have been down this road before and it has never ended good.

I know I need to step away from Google for a while. I always THINK that Googling every little fear and worry will bring me some comfort, but it never really does. Bottom line, I want to know if this cycle will bring home a real live baby and the reality is that there is no amount of googling that can tell me that. So for the next 48 hours I am banning myself from google and hoping I can find my zen spot, trusting that regardless of what is to come, I am going to be okay.