Giddy

Absolutely giddy. What's up with that? Giddiness is NOT an emotion I have ever felt following an IUI.

My apologies for advance if any of this sounds cheezy or sappy- well, cuz it probably will be. But I figure I spend most of my time apologizing with the cuzz words and anger fly when I am in the valleys, so I might was well spout off about the high points too.

DH collected his sample at home and drove it to the clinic. As soon as he collected his spirit just sunk. He was so worried he hadn't "performed" well enough, as he provides a sample for the 4th time. Oh, how I hate that part of this journey-- that even my husband feels like he is not measuring up.

Anyways- I arrived two hours later, full bladder. The office was relaxed, the nurse and doctor were great. There was no wait, a tiny challenge getting the speculum into position, but it just all went well. As the doctor left, she patted my leg and said that I was her last patient of 2009! Woo hoo! Maybe that will count for something in the luck department.

I am certain my upbeat mood has little to do with the logistics of today and probably moreso, my mood made today seem like it all went well. I just was grateful for it being easy for a change.

DH's count: His post-wash count of his swimmers was 2.5. Far less than they like to see (At least 5, but in an ideal world 10) but about a million more than last time in October (1.6). And only slightly less than the September count (3.1.) (Funny, I was devastated when we learned about his 3.1 count in September, but now having a history with this, I rejoiced to be back up to 2.5. Oh the ironies). So all in all, I was pleased. I just keep telling myself, we are doing everything that is within our control. So much isn't in our control, but there is nothing I can do about that.

Hope is an energizing thing. I want to not be afraid to hope anymore. I want to not have to protect myself that somehow if I hope, I will be experience deeper despair. Because I really do want to hope...

100th Post and IUI#3

100 posts on the last day of the year. I had planned on doing something more substantive for this post, but haven't gotten around to it yet.

Today is IUI#3. I called in "sick" to work because the IUI is right smack in the middle of the day, and the clinic is no where near my office. So, I am home, sleeping in, and looking forward to a low key day to end 2009. Sleep in, do IUI, new years eve party tonight with dear friends, and then a long weekend. Sounds like a good way to wrap up the year to me.

DH is delivering his goods in a few hours and I'll be going in for the IUI shortly after. As much as I wish we weren't still TTC and on IUI #3, it is nice to know what to expect and have it all be a bit more routine.

Noelle left a comment on my last post that has really stuck with me. She said "Just think...this may be the last cycle that you have to worry about this."

As much as I am still trying to manage my expectations so that I don't fall too hard if this doesn't go the way I want it, I am trying to hold on to that simple and astonishing statement- just maybe, this could be it. (Thanks Noelle for that reminder!)

Hoping deeply that we have a good post-wash count today with DHs swimmers. His counts have gotten worse and worse from his first semen analysis, to post wash counts on IUI#1 & #2. His count today will be important for knowing if we indeed are seeing a trend to be alarmed about.

Oh, 2009- you definitely did not look how I had hoped. But today I feel a sense of calm, knowing that the darkness has not overcome me even with this difficult journey, and amazingly, I still have hope. Hope that someday this WILL be beautiful.

and a new year is about to begin once again........

Not meant to be? Part II

To put this in to context, read Part i here:

Once I regained some composure, I called my usual clinic (the clinic that I had had a cd 13 appointment, but then canceled to go to the other clinic). Well, I swallowed my pride and called them back to see if they could squeeze me back in. And they could! I came back home, blogged my last post, and tried to find my center again while I killed some time. I was still a bit fragile as I finished writing my last post (Part I) and was getting my coat on to leave for my follicle check. I hugged DH (have I mentioned how much I love him?) and shared with him some of my thoughts about not seeing a Bigger Plan in all of this and how this just does not feel like the times in which I am assured that the Spirit is on the move. I wondered aloud if we were making wrong decisions. He held me tight and said just the right things (Have I mentioned how DH is my rock?!!) "Hon, God doesn't usually come in the obvious ways, but rather in the still and in the quiet. The spirit is at work in this, maybe we need to be open to seeing the small ways." He held me tight as if he was trying to piece my fragile faith back together.

I left for my appointment, reflecting on how emotional I am these days- maybe the grief, maybe the drugs, maybe the unknowns. I was also bracing myself for the possibility of not liking the doctor who was on the schedule to do my u/s. He was really not my favorite the first time I had him (he did our IUI #1). The nurse took me back, got me situated, I told her I would need her to call in my HCG injection to the mail-order pharmacy. She left the exam room, and I swear, if I was a cartoon character, you could have seen a light bulb and cussing in the balloon above my head. I realized that if my follies were ready I would need HCG tonight! What was a thinking? I don't have time to have it shipped to me. And I don't know of any local pharmacies that carry it. Doh!! I was just shaking my head at the how messed up this cycle (seemed to ) has gotten. I almost got myself dressed and walked out right then and there.

The Dr. that I didn't think I liked came in....and he... was.... fabulous. Personable, friendly apologetic for the wait. I breathed a sigh of relief. My follies responded just as nicely to Fem.ara as to my last to clomid cycles. And I actually took some delight in seeing my insides on the u/s again after taking a month off. Two plump follies on the right and one on the left. Oh, what a nice sight to see. I love having follies ready on both sides, last cycle there was only follies on the right. They might be a bit too ready though (this happened last cycle too). But, oh well- I talked it through with the doctors and the nurse in depth and all feel that I still will be close enough, but next cycle (?) a CD 12 would be a better day for follie check. (I caught myself saying next cycle so matter of factly, and the nurse was very sweet to remind me "if" I needed a next cycle). They also have HCG on hand in the office (makes sense, but it never dawned on me- so they sent me home with what I needed, and I will just reimburse their supply).

IUI will be Thursday. Right in the middle of the work day. But I just don't care. I might even take the day off of work. Because I can. DH has the day off on Thursday.

This is all coming together....

Maybe I am missing the small, quiet ways in which the spirit is at work in all of this. Maybe the spirit is at work in giving me the strength to keep pushing the rock up the cliffside. Maybe the spirit was at work in the embrace of my husband, and the reminder that in all of this, having him as a husband is more beautiful gift than anything I could have imagined.

Maybe.

Not meant to be? : Part I

Updated with Part II. Click here to read the rest of the story

I don't know about you, but I struggle in life to recognize God's presence in my life. I hear others talk about hearing God's voice or receiving confirmation of God's plan, but I can't say that that is the way it goes for me.

There have been moments though- moments in which (particularly in hindsight, but also in the moment) that I am so aware of the "spirit at work" within me. It is hard to put words to it, but I just know that there have been moments when I know that something bigger than me is at work. I can recall a moment at church when I had a peace (almost a confirmation?) about my career change and my decision to apply to grad school. I can recall moments during DHs cancer treatment that we were so surrounded by caring friends, family and strangers, that we had not doubt of God's seemingly embracing us. And then there are those experiences, in which a dear friend who I have lost contact with has unexpectedly been on my mind all day, only to call them up after ages of not talking to them and to learn of some difficulty in their life, and that my timing was impeccable.

There are those moments- moments in which, for lack of better words, I feel the spirit moving in ways that are bigger than me, in ways I will never understand, in ways that humble me.

And then there are the times that feel absolutely nothing like that.

This last week, I feel like we are pushing a rock up a cliff. There is nothing about this past week that feels anything like the work of God. And I can't help but let the doubt creep in (and it has crept WAY in) and wonder if I am pushing my own agenda, that I am maybe pursuing a futile path. But as soon as I type that, I find myself even questioning if their is a bigger Plan in all of this anyways. If I didn't push my agenda, and explore all options at all cost, then what? Then where would this path take us?

When I called to schedule my CD 13 u/s- I called my usual clinic. Made an appointment. And then thought to myself, I really like the other clinic even better- so on a whim called them. They just happened to have (in a very tightly scheduled week) an appointment at their closer to me office with MY doctor (who I like a lot) at a time that worked for me.

So I show up there today. Pleased as punch that traffic cooperated and everything was going as planned, arrived with 10 minutes to spare. or so I thought...

And my appointment was not at THAT office, it was at the other office across town. Furthermroe, there were no more appointments at EITHER office with any doctors. This is where I start to loose it (on the inside at least, maybe on the outside?). I used words such as "frustrated" and "a challenging" but I am sure the receptionist has no idea how completely pissed I was. Or maybe she did, I don't know.

She offered me an appointment with an u/s tech. A) I would have had to drive to the other office and B) why would you have a tech do the u/s when usually you ONLY schedule these follicle checks with doctors. Isn't then there a reason you typically only schedule it with doctors? So why would I let a tech do it becuase you f#$@ed up your schedule? (What I wanted to say but didn't).

I walked out mumbling and said I "this isn't going to work."

I was near hysterical by the time I got out of the building. Phone in hand, dialing DH. Sobbing and raging to him as he tried to comfort me.

And I just wonder if the universe is telling me something. You see, it is not just this one appointment mishap. It is a bunch of small things. But moreso, it is the absence of anything that remotely resembles the spirit at work in all of this. So what does all this mean? Is the IF journey, just by its very nature, destined to be an uphill battle with no sense of the spirit at work? Am I just not opening myself up to be aware of the ways the spirit is at work? Or is all of this trying to tell me that I am barking up the wrong tree?

Is this IUI cycle just not meant to be? Is all of it not meant to be? How do I know if I keep fighting or just walk away...

If I could pray

I can't seem to pray these days. And I know for certain I am not able to listen, even if I were to pray.

But if I were to pray....

I'd pray that DH's November hernia repair was part of our answer and that DH numbers improve noticeably for our IUI#3.
I'd pray that next cycle I don't need to do the sono(whatchama callit) as a follow up to my inconclusive HSG.
I'd pray that my letrozal induced follies are ready on CD 13 (Tuesday) to trigger.

But I'd really pray that each and every day of this journey I could be at peace.

I'd pray that I am making the right decisions in this journey.

I'd pray that I could daily trust that beauty, beyond what I could possibly imagine, will most definitely come from all of this.

If I could pray, that would be my prayer...

Follie check and spending

I called earlier this week to schedule my follicle check for CD13. First I called the RE clinic that has been doing (almost all) my consultations and both of my two IUIs. The doctor who would be doing my U/S this cycle was not my favorite, but I figured "oh well, it is just an quick u/s". DH and I had toyed with the idea of switching to the other RE clinic for this cycle- but given it is farther away and given we just know how things work at our current RE, we had decided to stay with what we know for this IUI. But when I found out which doctor I'd be seeing...I just thought- heck, why not try the other clinic. So I called the RE clinic that did my HSG last week, just to see what time and which doctor I would see. They had the exact same time slot for an u/s as our other clinic. And as it turns out, it would be my RE doing the u/s. I really like this REI, even though we haven't had many appointments. So I'll be doing IUI#3 with the further away clinic. It makes the logistics a bit more complicated as it is further away, but all in all I feel good about it.

This is my first cycle on Letrozal/Femara. First of all- the price. OMG! It was 10x more expensive then clomid because I couldn't buy the generic. Is that really true? is there really no generic version of Femara? That just didn't seem right, but I didn't have time with us going out of town to research it further. So, in the big picture of IF related expenses, big deal, but if it wasn't for my new RE strongly advising switching, I would really be reconsidering.

Also, because this is a new drug, we have no idea how I will respond. I responded well to clomid, but it is a guessing game with this cycle. I am crossing my fingers that all goes the same and that by CD13 u/s I will be ready to trigger. I really hope I don't have to go back more than once waiting for the follicles to be ready.


I think I am mostly just going the the motions this cycle. Sometimes it becomes so routine that I forget that all the mundaness of doc appointments, drugs, tests, etc are all for a bigger purpose. It is sort of sad that it has become so much a part of our lives that it has become routine. But, it does help time pass faster.

I have started feeling a little panicky about the money we are spending. I don't know where that is coming from. I think I feel like there is no end in sight. If I KNEW that this would all lead to our desired outcome, or even if I KNEW for sure that I would have no regrets, I know that I wouldn't get panicky about spending the money. And in reality, we have barely even dipped out feet in the pool of IF treatment options as far as expenses go. And insurance has covered far more than I ever thought. And we HAVE the money in our savings to spend, which he had intentionally saved so that we would have it to help with growing our family. But it is still hard. I question myself as to if we are really spending according to our values. I question myself as to how far I will go down this road and at what cost. My hope is that at the right time, I will just know when the timing is right for us to stop or redirect. I hope I will know.

Christmases Past

It's funny, but as I think back on Christmases past, I can only remember vividly the Christmases as a married couple. This will be our fifth Christmas together as a married couple. Our fifth christmas in our 1st home together. As I think back before that, the memories are much fuzzier during the years of dating and being single.

First Christmas
We had been married for all of 6 months. We had learned of DH's diagnosis of stage 4 cancer just two weeks before Christmas. Having just recovered from the 1st surgery to diagnose and biopsy, a week before Christmas we had our first day (of what would be many) hanging out at the chemo center as DH received his IV meds. We felt raw and stripped bare and yet full of life and purpose all at the same time. The shock was tremendous not knowing what was ahead. The hope and despair equally as jolting. The comfort and support that surrounded us from our community- family and strangers- was life changing. That year, DH decided he wanted to sing xmas carols together- it is a tradition that we have continued every year. So I printed out a ton of songs from the internet, and we sat by the fire xmas day and sang carols, and held each other. I still have those same print outs that we used that Christmas.

Second Christmas
The second Christmas I was home on break from grad school after living on campus far away from DH for nearly 3 months (we racked up lots of frequent flier miles during that time!!). It was wonderful to be home. DH was done with treatments (final surgery had been in June) and 6 months later, he finally had his umpf back. We traveled out of the country (the trip we had had planned for the previous xmas, but cancelled when he was diagnosed). We celebrated xmas with 150 friends and strangers at the most amazing xmas celebrations abroad ever.

Third Christmas 2007
Our third Christmas we rejoiced as we decorated the house for the first time. Year 1 we hadn't really decorated because we thought we would be out of the county for all of winter break, but instead ended up with doctors and chemo labs. Year 2 we were out of the country and so we didn't decorate, and so year three was a time to celebrate just being home. The simple things like hanging lights, telling stories about each xmas ornament we hung and how it came in to our lives. It also was the first year that my FIL was living in the same town as us and so it was the first year we celebrated xmas with more then just the two of us. DH shared his life story at our church's Longest Night service that year. The night that our church gathers to the light amidst the darkness in our life. He talked about the roller coaster of life- the ups and down- the tragedies and joys... and the roller coaster got even wilder for us that coming year....

Fourth Christmas 2008
Snow. Snowed in for days. Barely made it to the Christmas eve worship service. A quiet Christmas. We celebrated a 2nd year of having DH's father living near by. The grief was present as we had had our first miscarriage earlier that spring. The grief was magnified in that my baby sister had had her first child just before Thanksgiving, and the family was all together (across country in a different state than we live) oohing and aahing over the new grandchild over the phone. While the grief was there, and I was struggling with the fact that my estimated due date and the birth of my niece had come and gone and I was still not pregnant again. But I still mustered up some hope- assuming naively that the next time we got pregnant we would be home free.

Fifth Christmas 2009
I'll admit that the darkness has settled into my spirit even deeper this year. I find that when I click to my blog page, and see the About Me section, I have often gasped in disbelief when I realize "That is me, 2 miscarriages and 1 failed adoption in just over two years- that..is...me" It is hard to fathom that I have lived through all that. DH had to drag me kicking and screaming into the holiday spirit this year. I am glad that he did- he pulled out all the decorations and I watched, as the fire roared and the xmas music played, I felt my spirit lift a bit. We plan to see some friends, sing Christmas carols together in front of the fire place, hold each other a little bit tighter and muster up more hope for what the new year might bring.

HSG Results and IUI take #3

DH and I had a nice weekend away to relax, and slow down a bit. Of, course, AF reared its ugly head on day two of the vacation. I knew that it was coming, so it wasn't a surprise, but it was still hard. I think the holidays have also added to my grief, because I have had some days of being just plain cranky and days of the sobbing tears that come out of no where. Christmas is one of those times of the year that marks the passage of yet another year- another year with things not looking how I thought they would, how I wanted it to be....

We are back to RE land this cycle after trying a DIY cycle this past month. I had an HSG yesterday and a follow up appointment today. Good news is that my tubes are both open. Bad news is that my uterus doesn't quite look how they want it to. Could be scar tissue, could be a polyp (although not too likely), could just be a mystery but they just don't know. I am suppose to have a follow up test (a saline sono something or other?) to explore this further next cycle. So basically (once again) it is more info, but not more answers. And they have no idea if any of this would have any impact on getting pregnant.

Today is CD7 and I just took my last dose of Letrozal. As I have mentioned before, I have sort of been straddling two RE clinics. I have been doing my IUIs at the clinic near our house and getting some 2nd opinions (and now recently doing the HSG) at the clinic in the city. Now I have to decide where I will actually have my IUI done this cycle. Stay with the place I know and that is 5 minutes from my house? or Go to the place where I had my HSG? This is the decision that I need to make today. We'll see...

When we do our IUI (probably new years eve day or new years day- nice, huh?! insert sarcasm), it will have been just shy of two months since my husband's hernia repair. He still believes (and I am hoping) that the hernia was negatively impacting his sperm count. Three months is how long it can take for counts to rebound, but our doctor said that if there was to be an improvement, we would see it incrementally. Hoping this is true. Cuz I am getting tired of doctors. Adding in a urologist to the mix is a layer of this journey I just want to avoid.

12dpo

I don't feel great today. I don't know why. I think AF is coming, so that is probably it. But I just don't feel myself.

I have lost hope in this cycle. Just a gut feeling. I also took my temp this morning after not charting it for the past week. Which truly doesn't tell me much having missed many days of temping, but I am convinced my temp is on the way down.

Today is 12dpo. The final POAS time is almost here. I almost tested today, but then realized I think I only have one peestick left. So I am waiting...

There are glimpses, when I am so centered, that I can embrace the idea of "someday" having a child, and be totally at peace with not knowing when that "someday" will be AND I can simultaneously find joy in the planning in other non-TTC areas of my life- like travel, getting in better shape, or career aspirations. There are moments!

But then, more often then not, I feel like I can only have one or the other- I can only be TTC OR having a full life in the hear and now. I just wish I could not get so wrapped up in this TTC. I wish I could not care what happens with the 2WW, I wish I could just trust that it is all going to be okay and that it will happen eventually....

*****************************

The b**bs hurt so badly. They have hurt everyday since I ovulated. 12 days people! I am so tired of them throbbing. And google is freaking me out (and pissing me off)- I can't tell if I have a nice healthy level of progesterone and that is the cause or if I have too much estrogen and low progesterone and that is the cause. But they really shouldn't be hurting for 12 days straight?!! This isn't even a medicated cycle- this is just my own hormones flippin' out.

Once upon a time

When we first found out we were pregnant (the first time). We decided not to tell my family. It was really really hard to keep it from them. I talk to my family every day, they like to know all about what goes on in our lives. And I had to work very hard to not spill the beans.

but we were going to be visiting them- And I would have been 9 weeks when we were visiting. And my favorite aunt was going to be there as well. It was perfect. I was giddy with excitement at the gifts I had had made as a way of announcing it to my family.



Instead, I called my family in advance of the trip and told them we were pregnant, but going to miscarry. These gifts, and my innocence, got stuck in a box, in a closet somewhere. Our time spent with them felt more like preparation for a funeral. It was..

And it was not how I had planned....

Until.

If this cycle is a BFN (I know, so much for optimism when I am already thinking BFN), but if it is, I have 4 more cycles to have a child born in 2010. Anything beyond 2010 and it marks one more year, added to the list of years we have been TTC. And it is also 4 more cycles of TTC before we will have reached that magic 1 yr benchmark and labeled infertile. Technically I think we already bear that label with two miscarriages, but we have yet to go more then 12 months without getting pregnant. First pregnancy came on second month of trying (oh, how I look back on that on shake my head- it seemed so easy). Second pregnancy came after 7-8 months of trying (but I can't say we were trying very hard for that whole time i don't think.) Now, trying for pregnancy number three, we are on cycle 8 I think.

POAS in about 6 more days for this cycle....

and then...

4 more tries....

I know it is twisted to even count like this. But this countdown keeps coming to me as our reality. In part it feels like a goal to achieve- "okay, (pat pat on shoulder pads" just 4 more tries. we can do this." In part I think this helps give me a timeframe of when I need to make the next decision. More on to adoption? IVF? Do Nothing? Keep trying the same? I am giving myself 4 more cycles until I need to deal with any of those questions.

Too much thinking time on my hands

This weekend DH asked me more than once- "You seem a bit pensive?". I don't know why exactly. I think I have had too much time on my hands- (nice problem to have, huh?!) I have been counting and recounting the days until I can POAS. Why I recount them, I don't know- it isn't like it changes from one minute to the next. I spend too much time thinking "what if". Too much time to hoping for the outcome I want. I also (for the first time in a long time) really believed that getting pregnant IS possible this cycle, and then it dawned on me that that also means a miscarriage would be possible. Which I know, I can't even go down that road of worrying. But sometimes I get so caught up in our difficulty GETTING pregnant that I conveniently forget that staying pregnant has been our even bigger problem.

So I have decided to stop charting my temp the remainder of this cycle. The only reason I would chart is to watch for the temperature drop signaling AF is near. And I don't want to daily put energy into waiting for that. I am hoping that by not charting for this next week, I can just "be" and let go.

choice

Two weeks ago I got an email from the job I had applied for and done a preliminary interview. The email said that they would be contacting the finalists that make it to round #2 interviews within two weeks. Time's up. I did not get a call.

And I am so absolutely relieved.

I have started seeing a counselor. I have gone only twice so far. Two 50 minute sessions and the light bulbs were going off all over the place. For the days and weeks following the appointment I was seeing things differently, asking different questions, walking a new path--- or rather getting back on the track I want to be on.

In hindsight, I can see that I applied for that job out of desperation. I was at low point and in that funk, everything seemed even worse off than it really was. I was feeling like I was unappreciated and underutilized in my one job. And feeling like my non-profit we started was going no where and facing roadblock after road block. I was growing desperate and losing hope in the TTC process. And I was feeling like I no longer had control over getting in life what I wanted.

So I applied for a full-time job. And got a first interview.

I used to have a counselor years ago that I saw regularly for a while and then just intermittently. She retired, I was feeling balanced, and it was a good time to walk away from counseling. But years later, after I came back from grad school, I felt the need to start again. I searched and search- finally chose one, and after 4 or 5 sessions it just wasn't a good fit. She wasn't very good. That was a year and a half ago and I have since drug my feet finding another one- But about a month ago, I realized, it was no longer an option to drag my feet. I needed to take the plunge again. Two sessions later I like this one well enough, but more importantly I feel like she is good at what she does. She has been very systematic with me in exploring the edges and the heart of things and asking the right questions.

Getting that first job interview was the final straw for me to find a counselor. (That should have been a clear enough red flag for me that the job wasn't the right direction- when getting a job interview causes you to want to see a counselor, something istn' right) I knew that following this path of this new job was stirring up stuff and I was having problems discerning whether to follow the job possibility or not.

In the first session, the a-ha moment was as simple as her asking the question "What are your priorities?" She also prefaced this with talking about the "costs" involved in pursuing any dream. There is a cost involved- financial, but also a personal- time, energy, health etc - to me pursuing my own start up business. There is a cost in me working a part time job in that it doesn't advance my career as much as a full time job and pays less. There is a cost to trying to get pregnant. And There is a cost in taking a full time job, even though it pays more, I would still have to give up other things in life.

It became so clear to me that the path I am on is the path that I am choosing. I think I had started to feel like I know longer had a choice in life (victim mentally). But I have started to realize that this IS what I want. I am okay with the fact that being in a part-time job lacks the clout, salary, and career advancement of a full time job- but it means that I have time to pursue my own business (not to mention all the infertility appointments). It makes for an almost ideal job when we do have a family, given it is in my field of work and it is only 2 1/2 days a week (with a daycare on site and at the same place my husband works). And I am okay with it because I am choosing to invest this chapter of my life to growing our family. And given our TTC journey, it is taking more of an investment then I had planned on or wanted, but given those are the cards we have been dealt, I am CHOOSING to give it my all. Even if I have to give up a little here and there.

At some point, my choices might look different. At some point, I might decide that the sacrifices are too much, and I might change my direction. But for now, I am finding some freedom and direction in acknowledging that, while there are costs to any path I choose, this is what I am choosing.

Update on this cycle

I have been horrible at commenting lately. I am still reading along! And will engage again soon I think.

We took a break this cycle from the world of IF treatments, and it has been so good for me. I am breathing again. It was a hard decision to make- but in the end it was a good decision. We will resume next cycle with and IUI and a HSG. I am also going to be changing from Clomid to Letrozol (spelling?)next cycle for a couple of reasons (a post for a later time).

But for this cycle, our TTC journey and my reproductive equipment is my own. No doctors, exams, blood draws, medicines, NADA!

Of course, that doesn't mean we are not trying. :)(feel free to stop reading if you don't care to hear me talk about -you know, ahem- the husband and I, and you know what)

We are not taking a total break. Smile, smirk, grinning ear to ear. And it has been wonderful. Oh, how I have missed the old fashioned way. Just the two of us, no doctors, no medical equipment up my who-ha, no rushing to the lab with swimmers in a plastic cup. And sure, there is still temperature charting each morning and I have peed on 5 OPKs in the past several days, but when it comes to DH and I being together- it is just us, no agenda, no burden, no "trying", it is just us! Sigh..heaven.

In some ways it has even been empowering- to be in charge of my own attempts at procreating. In doing IUIs, it definitely can feel like it is being done "to you" and you are a long for the ride, a passive recipient with no control in the matter. (okay, we never really have control over the outcome, but you know what I mean).

As I have been learning, my cycles seem to work how they are supposed to as far as I can tell. My BBT temperature spike and my positive OPKs and DH and I doing the woopdy-doo all worked according to plan this cycle. We did everything within our power. (Side note: this was my first time using OPKs on a non-medicated cycle- I have to say that I think I enjoyed the thrill of being able to get a positive on a pee stick. After so many negative pregnancy pee sticks, even a positive OPK is a boost to my confidence.)

So, we enter the 2ww. But in the meantime, I am going to the gym again, have gotten back on track at weightwatchers, and feeling a lot more centered. Now, the goal is to keep centered even during IUI cycles.

Still trying to trust that there is a bigger plan in all of this.

Contentness?

I love a spontaneous afternoon of baking cookies. Unplanned, unprepared for, just deciding that the ingredients in the cupboard would go nicely together and then making a mess of the kitchen

I love a Saturday morning spent at the gym. Aerobics class, some weights, and then back home for a healthy lunch and a hot shower. Why, I must ask myself do I get out of the habitat of doing this??

I love my morning commute- a 5 mile bike ride, 45 minutes on the bus to people watch, while I am lost in the world of the tunes on my mp3 player with no demands on my time and no distractions. I love the sense of community and cooperation that comes with using public transportation.

I love slow mornings, when DH and I find our selves giggling in bed like school kids. After all these years, I still am in awe that the joy just bubbles out of us in the form of silly giggles as we make each other laugh and talk about important and non-important stuff.

I like a clean fridge. With drawers full of fresh produce washed and ready to eat. with see-through tupperware containers of a variety of foods and meals that were made in advance. Granted, this isn't always the state of my fridge, but its the goal.

I love Yollie. She doesn't get talked about much on this blog as she is old enough to tell her own story. She wanted to be our daughter- officially and legally and we wanted to be her parents. But it couldn't happen the way we wanted it to. She is growing up, and we miss her terribly, but lately we have had some phone call exchanges and the sound of her voice warms my heart. She will always be my daughter.

My heart has been a bit lighter these days. Contentness is creeping back in. I feel that I have guarded my heart from feel contentness, but I know it is a good thing. I still fear that by feeling content, that the rug will be pulled out from under me once again. But for today, I am enjoying just being.