Wand Envy [Flashback]

I wrote this post on 2/6/11 while we were in the midst of our stimming. As it turns out, this post was just two days before we ended up doing our egg retrieval. I am not sure why I never posted this- I think it was just one of those posts that I ended up not having time to post or it just got lost in the shuffle. But since yesterday marked our big graduation from vaginal to abdominal u/s scans, I thought it was only fitting for me to post it. (Amazing that this was written 2 1/2 months ago- time has gone so fast and so slow all at the same time)

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With our history of miscarriages, the u/s room has its demons. Ultrasounds have only brought devastating news. We have never seen a live moving little fetus, or a beating heart. We have never received good news in those rooms as it pertains to pregnancy. For the longest time, I would have anxiety attacks just thinking of walking in that room- even for benign u/s - the type of ultrasounds in which there won't likely be good or bad news- just boring news. But thanks to (lots of) time on the therapist's couch and some time and distance from our losses, the ultrasound room isn't quite as traumatic. Which is a good thing because I have been having a lot of them lately! But hubby mentioned to me today that it is still hard for him to go in the u/s room. And it got me thinking back to some of our dark times, and all the losses that we have endured in u/s rooms.

Today as we waited for the u/s tech to come in and count my follicles, I looked at the blank u/s monitor, the computer stand and wands and all the techy stuff, and I willed myself to envision a live baby with a beating heart flickering on that screen. Our baby. And I willed myself to imagine a happy ending to all this madness. It seems so unfathomable to me that WE, DH & I, could actually some day get good news in that room. Right now I am focused on the day to day of injections, counting follicles, and gearing up for 2 ww. But imagining anything beyond that is hard. Let alone imagining GOOD news.

And I realized, as our story flashed through my memory banks the few minutes sitting waiting on the u/s table. Not only have we only ever gotten bad news in the u/s room. I also have only ever had a vaginal u/s. Our pregnancies never made it far enough to graduate to the NEXT wand.... I have never had a belly ultrasound. And frankly, I HAVE WAND ENVY.

I glanced over at the ultrasound machine, with the dildo wand, already donning its protective rubber gear in anticipation of the tech's arrival. And right next to it, sitting there staring at me, taunting me, was the belly wand. Oh, how I long to graduate to that wand. I want it with all my might. That someday, someday I pray, that THAT wand will be needed. And my pants can stay on, and it doesn't matter whether I remembers to shave "down there".... And that I can say screw you to the dildo wand and everything it has symbolized in this dark and ugly journey.