Outed

Remember earlier today when I posted that I was worrying about a co-worker noticing my midsection and outing me?  Yep-  it happened.  So far it is just one co-worker, but I imagine if she is noticing, others are.

It wasn't necessarily my midsection she noticed though, or at least she didn't admit to noticing that.

The co-worker who asked me, is someone I consider a friend. We don't socialize outside of work, but I have the utmost respect for her and I adore her.  I had been contemplating telling her before the others, but my fear and paranoia kept me from spilling the beans.

She came right out and asked me as we were walking alone in between meetings-  with the disclaimer that it was none of her business. :)  She knows some of my history, enough to know that it hasn't been easy and that we really really want this.  She was so excited for us.   I am still a bit surprised that she came out and asked.   It's kinda funny-  the things that tipped her off, are things that I wasn't even worried about others noticing.  She said last week we walked up the stairs together and I was breathing heavy (I don't even remember that, but I know breathing feels much more pronounced.  She said my face has been flushed frequently, and she noticed today when I reached for something that I had a stretchy maternity waistband on today (Outed on my first day wearing my new stretchy waist pants! Doh!).  So, she asked-  and it was fun to celebrate.

But...  there is a mix of emotions.  Part of me feels like I want to, need to, crawl under a rock and hide, far, far away.  Maybe it is the fear that by saying it out loud I will jinx things.  Maybe it is just that I have kept SO much of all of this to myself, the miscarriages, the infertility, the IVF, and now this kid in me- it has all been my personal secret, my darkness to carry-  it just seems like a huge abyss that I am leaping into by sharing even part of the news.  But I think there is also a good portion of my emotions that is connected to body image, and being self conscious about the extra padding, upon extra padding.  Some of the padding is baby, some of it is IVF, some of it is just pudge that has accumulated during this three year difficult stretch of IF.  I like a certain degree of invisibility when it comes to my body, I always have and especially right now.  And I feel like I have a spotlight on me as everyone is either noticing, or about to notice, that I am growing and growing.  Having watched my weight all my adult life, and never being in the "thin" category, having my body be on display as it evolves has me a bit self-conscious, okay, not a bit, but a lot self conscious.  Especially right now given I am just look thick and pudgy, and not pregnant. 

Oh my, I anticipate a flood gate of emotions this week.....

Sorry for venting, I am grateful, beyond grateful, and I really not wanting to sweat this small stuff.  Hopefully by saying it out loud here in this space I can let some of this go.