I was supposed to be at work over an hour ago. I called in sick. Again. Not sure if I am going to go in later or not. Yesterday I took the day off as well. Grrr. I have sinus pressure and just feel like a truck ran over me. Add on waves of nausea to the post-nasal drip and I feel dandy. (Note sarcasm).
But I feel like SUCH A SLACKER at work.
I have been mindlessly internet surfing and I decided to peek in on a "November 2011 Birth Club" forum that I look at from time to time. One of the most active threads was from other folks about as far along as me about how much they dislike their jobs right now, even those who typically like there jobs, and over and over posts about how the first trimester is kicking their butt at work. It was the best thing I could have read today. Because I am feeling like I am not keeping up at work, at home, nada. And, I just don't find much satisfaction in my job. Not one iota right now.
I know my "poor me" rant is in part fueled by the fact that DH has been out of town all week and won't be back until Sunday. And I am realizing how much of a help he had been around the house, and in preparing food for me. The house is an absolute pig sty since he left. Think on the scale of being condemned by the health department! That bad. And all I have been eating is convenience food. Anything that doesn't take much preparation and doesn't have a strong odor.
One women said it best in the forum thread when she said she was feeling like a "worthless sack of poo" at work right now. Ha! I couldn't have said it any better.
This job has always been a temporary job. It is not the end-all-be-all job for me. It was only supposed to last 6 months and it has been 3 1/2 years. It has given me everything I had hoped for- professional contacts, amazing references, expanding my resume further into the field I want to be in. But it isn't the best fit for me. It never has been. I only halfheartedly believe in the mission of my department. And lately the direction they are heading has me raising my eyebrows even more so.
This job was also supposed to be a 6 month filler job until we had our baby. I got pregnant for the first time shortly after I got this temp job. As the job has continued on and on, so has our IF journey. Fastforward three years, and here I am again- pregnant, and it looks likely it is going to lead to a real live kid. And this, THIS KID, is what I want. Add in the 1st trimester hormones, exhaustion, and nausea, and I just don't care about my job right now. And this is SO unlike me. When I do something, I give it 110%. No iffs, ands, or buts.
So I am feeling some guilt for a) being so inefficient at work right and b) not caring that that is the case and (almost) not caring that I called in sick yet again.
I think it might be easier if I could make up my mind about whether or not I am going to quit this job once the kid arrives or offer to stay on part-time. I really want to quit. Really really bad. And we can afford for me to stay home for a while afterwards 6-10 months for sure. But then I need to have some sort of income, ideally part time. And in this economy it is just hard to walk away from a job. I feel torn between wanting to do what I really want to do and my practical side that wants to play it safe finance wise.
but I know that being in the midst of the craziness of this first trimester isn't the best time to be weighing all of these decisions. I have plenty of time, and like everything else- this too will pass. I won't always feel like a poo.