I wonder if I can live without fear. without worry. without panic and anxiety. I wonder if I can. I wonder if I even want to. Or has fear become my security blanket.
I sat on the ultrasound table, waiting (and waiting) for the u/s tech today. And I was absolutely frozen in fear. Even DH couldn't nudge me out of my state of paralysis. It struck me that instead of getting easier, these ultrasounds have me more and more of a wreck. And the thing it came down to? I realized that I never again want to get the rug pulled out from under my naive hopefulness. I felt so burned the first pregnancy when we joyfully and naively went in for our first scan, only to see an empty nothingness of a sac. And I felt so stupid. I know that is a strange word. It even sounds out of place to me- I just felt like I had had the cruel joke played on me and the universe was taunting me with that black empty screen. Taunting me saying "Ha, how dare you hope and believe in something this wonderful, this beautiful." My breath was taken away that day. And now I (almost) consciously feel like I prepare myself for the worst, I even expect the worst, so that never again will the rug be pulled out that fast and hard again.
But preparing for the worst isn't working for me anymore. It is taking up too much of my time and energy. And it is robbing me of the joy of this pregnancy, quite possibly the only time I may ever have this experience. I would rather to dive in head first and love this kid with all I have. Instead of imaging the worst, I want to dream of onesies, and family bike rides, and the first time Grandpa holds him/her. I want to live without this fear.
I saw my child today- who is all of 5cm head to toe- kick, and wiggle, and turn from side to side on the grainy black and white screen. I saw my child's heart beating, still beating strong, at 180bpm. I saw its toes and fingers. I saw the blood running through the umbilical cord. I saw a magnified version of the 1/2cm long foot. And it was all the most miraculous thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Ever.
I don't want to live in fear anymore. I really don't. I don't know how to shed it as it has been a constant companion, but the cost of continuing to carry it is far too great.
I have a kid growing inside of me!
P.S. And I have officially graduated to the abdominal scan. No trousers were dropped in the scanning of this kid today. Picture choirs of angels coming down from the heavens singing a Hallelujah chorus, that is how thrilled I was.