I just don't know where to start. Cuz I don't know exactly what I am feeling. I am probably feeling so much that it is hard to sort out sometimes.
This is all a roller coaster. I feel it already and I am barely into it. And oooohhh, I want to keep my zen and let things roll off with me, go with the flow, etc, etc.
But I feel prone to being battered to and fro. And today really wasn't that big of a deal.
Today was suppression check. On a high note, it was a great experience at my clinic- every single staff interaction was just wonderful and I so needed that. It just felt good mojo and I felt like a real person to them.
The low of the day? I don't know- I guess I am just being reminded and reminded that this is a rocky road of ups and downs- NONE OF WHICH I HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER. The IVF calendar they map out for you is an illusion because it tells you what you have control over- "schedule this appointment on this day", "give this injection on these days", - and so on. BUT EVERYTHING ELSE IN BETWEEN IS OUT OF MY HANDS.
I think my follicle counts were low. I say I think because I also realized today that as much as I think I am really well versed in all this IVF stuff, I realized that I really don't know as much as I thought. They saw 7 follicles on my left and hard to say on my right- maybe 2. The endometrioma complicates things because a) they just can' see how many follicles may be there as they are hidden by the cyst and b) they can't predict if they will be able to receive some, all, or none of what might be in the right one. So we go into this half blind.
My nurse called later that day to say my doc is upping my stim dosage which starts saturday in order to start out more aggressive. It shouldn't matter to me, but I just feel like my heart sunk a little that WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET, AND ALREADY MY BODY IS FAILING ME.
Sorry if I am overacting. I am not really; I just feel like my arms are stiff armed clinging to the sides of the boat, praying I am not thrown overboard and washed out to see with whatever might be around the corner. I really really really want to stay centered and not feel like such a tiny timid boat being rocked in the crashing waves.
I know I am going to be okay. And I know that one adjustment in my meds isn't that big of deal. In my head I know this. But my heart and my emotions feels so frail at times.
Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better already.
3 more days of only lupron and then let the stims began!