Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Suppression Check; Low Follicle Count?

I just don't know where to start. Cuz I don't know exactly what I am feeling. I am probably feeling so much that it is hard to sort out sometimes.

This is all a roller coaster. I feel it already and I am barely into it. And oooohhh, I want to keep my zen and let things roll off with me, go with the flow, etc, etc.

But I feel prone to being battered to and fro. And today really wasn't that big of a deal.

Today was suppression check. On a high note, it was a great experience at my clinic- every single staff interaction was just wonderful and I so needed that. It just felt good mojo and I felt like a real person to them.

The low of the day? I don't know- I guess I am just being reminded and reminded that this is a rocky road of ups and downs- NONE OF WHICH I HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER. The IVF calendar they map out for you is an illusion because it tells you what you have control over- "schedule this appointment on this day", "give this injection on these days", - and so on. BUT EVERYTHING ELSE IN BETWEEN IS OUT OF MY HANDS.

I think my follicle counts were low. I say I think because I also realized today that as much as I think I am really well versed in all this IVF stuff, I realized that I really don't know as much as I thought. They saw 7 follicles on my left and hard to say on my right- maybe 2. The endometrioma complicates things because a) they just can' see how many follicles may be there as they are hidden by the cyst and b) they can't predict if they will be able to receive some, all, or none of what might be in the right one. So we go into this half blind.

My nurse called later that day to say my doc is upping my stim dosage which starts saturday in order to start out more aggressive. It shouldn't matter to me, but I just feel like my heart sunk a little that WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET, AND ALREADY MY BODY IS FAILING ME.

Sorry if I am overacting. I am not really; I just feel like my arms are stiff armed clinging to the sides of the boat, praying I am not thrown overboard and washed out to see with whatever might be around the corner. I really really really want to stay centered and not feel like such a tiny timid boat being rocked in the crashing waves.

I know I am going to be okay. And I know that one adjustment in my meds isn't that big of deal. In my head I know this. But my heart and my emotions feels so frail at times.

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better already.

3 more days of only lupron and then let the stims began!



    I can completely understand this feeling, I'm in a similar place. I had my E2 levels checked today, and they wanted to see a number below 70 - mine was 346. WTF?! So we'll have to wait for it to go down before I can start stims. Which BLOWS. But. The best advice I've gotten is taking it one day at a time, and if that's too much - one hour at a time.

    The other nice thing is that I got a comment from someone who said her cycle was a total mess from the beginning, and had every possible set back you could think of, but it wasn't cancelled. And she got a great amount of eggs.... (Don't know if it worked yet).

    Sorry to babble. In conclusion, I don't think you're over reacting. We've been through so much already, is it too much to ask that this one part go smoothly???

    I hope our bodies play nice for the rest of our cycles, and give us both the families we've been dreaming of.

    Hang in there.

  2. You are way ahead of me. I don't have a clue what all the meds and the actual treatment will do to my body and mind. I haven't even started yet but am feeling the roller coaster already.

    No need for apologies on how you feel. Hope everything goes smooth and well from here on..

  3. Every woman responds differently to the meds. It's normal. They just need to find what works for you.

  4. I'm so sorry you have to go through all this, but E is right--they're just trying to figure out what will work for you. Hang in there.


  5. Stumbled across you from ICLW, but listen, my antral count was 'maybe 11' and by the time I was done, they retrieved 18 eggs, 15 were mature, and 12 fertilized. I'm still in my 2ww, but whatever, 'maybe 11'. (I had a cyst drained the day before I started stims.)

    It's true that things are out of your hands, but your body hasn't failed you yet.

    I think this whole IVF thing is only about 50% science and the rest is guess-work. That's just me though. But they never know how many eggs you'll get, when you'll trigger, what your embryos will be like, any of that.

    It's tough to jump blindfolded into a $10,000 chance for a baby...but what else can we do?

  6. Try to keep the hope. Things haven't even started yet. Just take one step at a time and the stims will do their job.

  7. I'm sorry you didn't quite get the news you were hoping for! I have no words of wisdom on IVF, but Marissa's comment was encouraging. It is frustrating battling our bodies for what should be so effortless... I am still praying for a good outcome!

  8. I'm 6dp d3t myself and I too got really hard news at the beginning of the IVF cycle that my antral follicle count was only 4...and we only got 3 eggs, 2 of which fertilized. Everyone keeps telling me, 'it only takes one egg' - which is true, but is not always as comforting as people may think. My words of wisdom are just to go through the motions the RE instructs, because at this point, we are really out of control. Treat it like a job if you can...I'll be thinking of you!!