Thursday, January 6, 2011

Deeper into the world of things I have no control over

Oh my. What a day.

I am certain I can come to expect more of this as I enter deeper into the world of things I have no control over.

It all started last night. When I found out out payment is due for our cycle earlier than I had planned (gulp, but okay) and then found I wasn't able to make a transfer like I had planned in our online bank account.

A worried phone call early this morning to my bank, and sure enough- the bank had screwed up. Major. The funding that a month ago when we met with them that they had assured us was all in order and easy to access- well, not so much. A gallon of bureaucratic steps still need to be done. And we had been assured a month ago it was a-ok. (If you want a good laugh of the irony of all this, go back and read what I wrote the day we had first gone to the bank)

There was more today, but I will leave it at that. The other things were small, less of a big deal, but added all together it was just a roller coaster of a day. In the end, I think it has all worked out in time for us to make payment tomorrow. (Although I won't truly believe it until I see the final receipt stamped "paid"!) DH is going to run the few last errands to the bank, post office, etc. tomorrow.

Here are some reflections via bullet points:

- I has a few moments of despair or the chin starting to quiver as my nice, neat, well-thought out finance plan started to crumble before my very eyes today. But I have to say I was pleased with how I (mostly) kept it all in perspective and reminded myself that there is going to be a lot of these kind of days. And all that matters is to keep breathing until the very end- keeping in mind the bigger goal of creating a family.
- My meds will be arriving Wednesday! And they ended up costing less than I had budgeted. I know they might still order more for me, but for now it was a nice surprise.
-I pride myself in being a hard worker at work and going above and beyond. But I can say that today I officially got almost nothing done at work. I was so distracted and on the phone with the bank and the clinic and the pharmacy. It was crazy. Thankfully everyone else was busy today so I don't think anyone would have noticed my lack of productivity. I don't think I have ever slacked off that much at work for a whole day before - ever.
-I feel a mix of emotions tonight- I feel raw in some ways, like the kind of raw you feel when grief washes over you. I'm not sure where that is coming from? Maybe it is the vulnerability that goes hand in hand with making this big of a leap- emotionally, financially, and physically. Now that I see those words typed out, I think that is what I am feeling- the rawness of vulnerableness. It is hard to pin point, but I just feel like I have been through the ringer today. And, well- I have. We are jumping, jumping off the cliff and it isn't a small decision. I have no regrets, but.. Deciding to have a baby is big enough in and of itself, but deciding to take on the physical risks and the financial commitment- wooo, I have to remind myself this isn't a little undertaking.

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