I feel like I am living two realities right now as we enter our first and long awaited IVF/ICSI cycle.
One the one hand- I feel like I am going to bubble over with joy and gratitude in the biggest way imaginable. I feel relief to finally be doing something that has such a high success rate. I am grateful we are no longer waiting. I am grateful for how easy the injections have been. I don't take for granted for a second how good I feel each day- no side effects yet, I feel clear headed. I even find myself feeling grateful about that fact that I feel grateful. (Ha!) I am in love with DH a million times more than ever before. I am so so so hopeful for a change.
There is a constant thread that runs through me that feels like depression. I have tried to ignore it or rationalize it but the reality is it is there. As much as it seems contradictory, even to me, the above paragraph is all 100% accurate and real all the while I also feel blue, stuck, a bit edgy and cranky.
And I don't like that very much. I prefer it to be one or the other.
It makes sense to me why I would feel joy and gratitude right now. That seems logical. But I haven't been able to pinpoint why I have this thread of feeling blue running through me. Especially when the joy is so abundant.
DH just came in the room and sat with me for a minute as he took a break from his work. And I tried articulating these seemingly contradicting feelings. And some light bulbs starting going off a bit.
I have been creating milestones in my head - milestones and mini-milestones. I count and recount how many days of BCP are left, how many days until my next lab or U/s visit. I count how many weeks until the retrieval. How many weeks until I would tell my boss (if this cycle works). I THOUGHT this might help. I thought it would give me some mini-goals and help this pass quicker. But I am realizing that instead the weight (and wait) of all of these mini goals is a bit too much.
Because the waiting is never ever done. .....
One mini-goal accomplishment only leads to another. and another. and....
And there is very little I have control of between now and whenever....
And there is no amount of strength in me that can possibly muster up enough perseverance for the whole road ahead, when we don't know what that journey will hold.
The best I can possibly do is trust that I am provided for today. And for today, I have been given what it takes to walk this road.
Day by Day. This is my hope, that in all of this I can practice the kind of perseverance that only asks of me to be present ...today.