I feel like I am living two realities right now as we enter our first and long awaited IVF/ICSI cycle.
One the one hand- I feel like I am going to bubble over with joy and gratitude in the biggest way imaginable. I feel relief to finally be doing something that has such a high success rate. I am grateful we are no longer waiting. I am grateful for how easy the injections have been. I don't take for granted for a second how good I feel each day- no side effects yet, I feel clear headed. I even find myself feeling grateful about that fact that I feel grateful. (Ha!) I am in love with DH a million times more than ever before. I am so so so hopeful for a change.
But.
There is a constant thread that runs through me that feels like depression. I have tried to ignore it or rationalize it but the reality is it is there. As much as it seems contradictory, even to me, the above paragraph is all 100% accurate and real all the while I also feel blue, stuck, a bit edgy and cranky.
And I don't like that very much. I prefer it to be one or the other.
It makes sense to me why I would feel joy and gratitude right now. That seems logical. But I haven't been able to pinpoint why I have this thread of feeling blue running through me. Especially when the joy is so abundant.
DH just came in the room and sat with me for a minute as he took a break from his work. And I tried articulating these seemingly contradicting feelings. And some light bulbs starting going off a bit.
I have been creating milestones in my head - milestones and mini-milestones. I count and recount how many days of BCP are left, how many days until my next lab or U/s visit. I count how many weeks until the retrieval. How many weeks until I would tell my boss (if this cycle works). I THOUGHT this might help. I thought it would give me some mini-goals and help this pass quicker. But I am realizing that instead the weight (and wait) of all of these mini goals is a bit too much.
Because the waiting is never ever done. .....
One mini-goal accomplishment only leads to another. and another. and....
And there is very little I have control of between now and whenever....
And there is no amount of strength in me that can possibly muster up enough perseverance for the whole road ahead, when we don't know what that journey will hold.
The best I can possibly do is trust that I am provided for today. And for today, I have been given what it takes to walk this road.
Day by Day. This is my hope, that in all of this I can practice the kind of perseverance that only asks of me to be present ...today.
I feel the same as you do, but my depression is more dominant. After trying for five years, I've learned to not even get my hopes up, even with something as huge as my current IVF/ICSI cycle.
ReplyDeleteI do hope we can both feel *nothing* but immense joy at the end of this cycle. It's been a long time coming!
What you are feeling makes sense to me. You are happy to be given a chance with a good success rate but then again all the what ifs are lurking not far behind.
ReplyDelete**hugs**
What a lovely sentiment you came to at the end of this post. Living day by day is something that I have also found helpful for me on my journey towards a live baby. I do hope that this cycle works for you.
ReplyDeleteI can also relate to the experience of conflicting feelings--so difficult. I hope that the perspective of living day by day helps.
(ICLW #168)
Beautifully put.
ReplyDeleteSo wonderful to have gotten a chance to meet you. I look forward to becoming IRL friends.
One day at a time would definitely help. Thanks for the reminder. It's hard not to look forward, hopefully plan each step of the way for something we don't have the power over.
ReplyDeleteThanks for checking out my blog! Yes, rescue ICSI is a VERY rare thing to have happen. If you google it, there aren't very good reports, which is why this pregnancy is truely a miracle.
ReplyDeleteI see you are starting IVF/ICSI. I truely hope it works for you and you get your miracle!
hi from ICLW--the IVF milestones can be overwhelming. I've learned to just try to enjoy and be grateful for the present day of each cycle, not knowing whether the next will be a good/successful or bad/not as successful day. Hope this is your one and only cycle though of course!
ReplyDeleteThe emotions of IF are so complicated, aren't they? They are not only up and down, but can exist in contrary states at the SAME TIME. I look forward to abiding with you during this cycle, and hopefully celebrating your BFP! :)
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way. Finally happy to have a PLAN that might actually work. But also such a deep terror that it might not. It's tough. Super tough. Ad different for everyone. I usually let stuff roll off me, since spending my life stressed out just makes it worse. But for something this important... this personal.. this all-encompassing, it's hard, so so hard, NOT to have some awareness of it quivering at the edge of your consciousness every. waking. second.
ReplyDeleteIf i were religious, I would pray for you. For everyone going through something like this. But I'm not, so I just hope with all my heart, same as I did for myself.
Wow I hardly know where to start. I am in a very similar place.
ReplyDelete-This is very much a long awaited cycle, with the best possible success rate we'll have ever had.
-Shots are going well - no side effects. (yet)
-DH and I are getting along fantastically, and bonding over the injections he gives me each night.
-And I'm doing the count-down too - for each little appointment or pill.
Things have been so great lately that now, I find myself waiting for the bubble to burst. And I realized that I'm now looking for any possible distraction, to keep me from remembering how terrified I actually am. I have to go now, you've just inspired a blog post. =)
Thanks for your thoughful comment on my blog. Happy ICLW.
Oh! and here's to both of our dreams coming true this year!!!
ReplyDeleteI don't think the waiting ever ends, even once you are pregnant..you are always waiting for one milestone or the next. But waiting for fertility treatment is never fun. Best of luck with your upcoming cycle!
ReplyDeleteOh and I have given you an award..check out my blog for more details
http://summastarlet.blogspot.com/2011/01/award.html
That's so much how I felt with my IVF cycle!
ReplyDeleteHey, I gave you a little award on my blog :-)