CD 3 BW

Normal. Perfect. Oh, this phone call made me happy. My nurse called earlier today than I was expecting and said my estrogen (estradiol?) was just where they wanted to see it (120 something I think she said). I just love phone calls like that- when it all goes so well.

Last night's injections were a bit rough. Lup.ron and Folli.stim went fine. but Menopur is just not cooperating. In the end, we spillt half the dose by accident, called the on call doctor, and fretted all night long. But a conversation with one of the nurses this morning and she put my mind totally at ease. And helped me to see were were being far too much of perfectionist when it came to bubbles in our syringe. So, I am feeling a lot more confident about tonight. Then tomorrow is a full busy day at work, and then Wednesday we have BW and our first U/S since we started stimming. hoping the good news keeps coming.

**********
My younger sister is pregnant, (my MUCH younger sister). I've written about this before. This is her second baby. She is very young, no financial security and an on and off again boyfriend. I have made (or am making) peace with all of it and can occasionally even ask her about the pregnancy, etc. And I adore my niece, her first child. Today was my sister's u/s to find out the gender of her second. And I have been fretting this day. And it is for a silly and selfish reason.

After her first daughter was born, and by then I had had two miscarriages, one day some how we got talking about baby names. DH and I have a boy and a girl name picked out. Always have. We love the names and they have deep meaning for us. The boy's name is after my dad. I love my dad, I love who he is, and I love the name. Turns out, so does my sister. She told me that that was the name they had been considering if they had had a boy with their first baby. This conversation took place quite a while ago, and at the time, a second child wasn't in my sisters short-term plans so I didn't give it much thought. So fast forward to today and she is 20 weeks pregnant. And I have secretly been fretting about the gender of this baby since I learned she was pregnant. I just wasn't sure if my heart could handle it if not only was she having a second child before we even had one, but if she was having a little boy that she would name after our dad. Sigh. It's petty, and yet it means so much to me on so many different levels. And I know how much she loves me and I know it is possible she would have chosen a different name out of love and respect for me. But I was fretting all of it. I couldn't imagine ever asking her to not use that name. It just didn't seem fair. If she has the first grandson, then she should be free to name him whatever she likes.

I got a text message from her today while I was at work. ....

I am going to be an Aunt to .......another lil' Niece.

How Romantic!

During this IF journey, I remember when we were contemplating IVF, but not yet ready. I remember feeling grief. Grief that our baby wouldn't be conceived during a spontaneous (or even planned for that matter), romantic evening of my husband and I making love. I felt like we were being jipped that it involved medical professionals, stirrups, petrie dishes, and lots of expensive drugs. And to be honest there were even times that I felt angry about it- why couldn't we be like all the other couples out there.

Granted, if I could write our story, I'd probably not opt to do it this way. But I have to say that so far, I am not experiencing the grief or anger I thought I would. DH and daily find our selves in awe of what science can do--- and grateful we have the option to have science help us. The daily injections have in their own way brought DH and I even closer, and I feel like he is fully apart of making this baby with me. (Corny, I know) And even though our brand of babymaking involves watching videos on Foll.istim injections, bloodwork, ultrasounds, and an anesthesiologist, I am actually in awe of the kind of miracle that we are working for. I don't feel like it is any less amazing then the surprise pregnancy I had hope for. In actuality, given we know the cards are stacked against us with endo, sperm issues, and RPL, I think I am even more in awe that in the end we could still actually have a baby.

So yes, it is most definitely a different kind of romance and intimacy, but so far I don't feel the grief that I thought would feel in taking this path.

***********************

Endo pain started getting slowing, but progressively better yesterday and this morning it is SO MUCH BETTER. I can still feel my grapefruit size endometrioma bumpin' around in there- but I feel back among the living.

Also did our three injections last night. Wasn't too bad at all. BUT- we got carried away cleaning the garage and lost track of time. We were supposed to do them nightly between 7-9pm, and didn't do it until 1040pm. AAAHH!! Talk about stressed out. I hope that isn't that big of deal. Ugg.

Ugg.

I've been doing a pretty good job of taking it a day at a time.  I've, for the most part, stopped counting and recounting the days on the calendar.  And I am amazed a bit by how quickly things have gone so far.  One month ago I was impatiently waiting for AF to arrive and get the show on the road and I thought if felt like it was taking an eternity (heck, I even felt that last week).  Three weeks ago BCP started, and last night was the last night of only lupron.  Tonight stimming begins.  We could be doing the retrieval in just a week and a half from now.

The last 24 hours have been rough though. Given I had a light period, I had hoped I'd avoid the usual excruciating endo pain.  But that wasn't the case.   And oh it bad.  It still amazes me that the body can hurt that bad and that it doesn't mean I'm not dying.  It just seems so wrong. It has eased up a bit today, but I don't forsee leaving the couch anytime soon.

One of the reasons we jumped into IVF sooner than we had planned, is becuase of the endo diagnosis and the pain. Getting pregnant should give me a break for the pain for a while, as would having surgery. But given getting pregnant is our end goal, we decided to make that the priority as surgery would only delay things. But every cycle I don't get pregnant I am going to go through this. And to be honest, I am not sure how many more times I can handle this pain.

So my anxiety is up today as I am realizing the stakes are feeling a bit higher on this cycle. And I am realizing how physcially and emotionally tough an IVF cycle is. I will just continue to pray that I have the strength to do this one day at a time. And not get too caught up in worrying about whether I have it in me to deal with another endo pain epdisode AND going through another fresh cycle all over again.

Ugg.

Wish me luck on three different pokes to the belly tonight.  If I was a pharmacist, I think I'd invent a way to inject all the meds combined in one syringe at one time.

Hubby quote of the night

"Wifey, will you still love me.....even after jabbing you with all these needles?"
Ha!

1 year older

It's my birthday.  My birthdays in recent years have been pretty hard.  But I am very aware of the fact that I, for a change, feel immensely content.  It has been a long long time since I have felt this content on my birthday.  Three years of Miscarriages, infertility, and the dreaded "advanced maternal age" marker approaching have a way of casting a cloud on what should be a wonderful day.  Last year especially I was a wreck on my birthday-  a sobbing wet puddle.  I wish I could go back in time and hug that self and assure her she was going to be okay, truly.

But today, I feel deep joy and gratitude.  I truly have hope that by my next birthday we'll have or be closer to having a family. DH is cooking dinner for me, I am taking the morning off of work tomorrow and going to acupuncture.  I insisted that DH not spend any more on me for my birthday (because we have spent far enough lately with this whole IVF adventure- Hon, let's just call that my present and say we're good. ha!)  And I truly feel content.

*******************
AF is here, I think, well wait a sec.
It's more than just spotting, but not as heavy as it normally is.  So I called my nurse, just to see what they count as the start of my "actual' period.  (I love trying to explain the characteristics of AF while working in cubicle land at work.) And she said I am good to go.  So we are officially starting stims Saturday.
300 iu folli.stim
75 men.opur
5 lupron

My husband is in love with all of you

Seriously, you all keep me sane, and for that reason my husband thinks all of you are amazing. And so do I.

There just aren't words to adequately say thanks for walking this journey together. Your comments were so spot on, and as they trickled in my inbox and I read them out loud to my husband, he would grin, sometimes tear up, and just cusp my face in his hands and tell me how grateful he was that I have all of you in my life.

I love that he gets "this"- this blog land stuff. And I think all the comments helped him relax a bit too.

*************

Work is busy right now. And I am grateful for the distraction. The week is flying by for the most part. I am starting to get meeting requests for the week of the ER, and I feel like I am running out of excuses for why I don't want to schedule anything.

Waiting for my period to come. It started out as spotting, but now it is defineltly more than spotting but not flowing enough to actually call it the start of my period. It has to arrive by Friday/Saturday in order for my to start my stims. Crossing my fingers.

Suppression Check; Low Follicle Count?

I just don't know where to start. Cuz I don't know exactly what I am feeling. I am probably feeling so much that it is hard to sort out sometimes.

This is all a roller coaster. I feel it already and I am barely into it. And oooohhh, I want to keep my zen and let things roll off with me, go with the flow, etc, etc.

But I feel prone to being battered to and fro. And today really wasn't that big of a deal.

Today was suppression check. On a high note, it was a great experience at my clinic- every single staff interaction was just wonderful and I so needed that. It just felt good mojo and I felt like a real person to them.

The low of the day? I don't know- I guess I am just being reminded and reminded that this is a rocky road of ups and downs- NONE OF WHICH I HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER. The IVF calendar they map out for you is an illusion because it tells you what you have control over- "schedule this appointment on this day", "give this injection on these days", - and so on. BUT EVERYTHING ELSE IN BETWEEN IS OUT OF MY HANDS.

I think my follicle counts were low. I say I think because I also realized today that as much as I think I am really well versed in all this IVF stuff, I realized that I really don't know as much as I thought. They saw 7 follicles on my left and hard to say on my right- maybe 2. The endometrioma complicates things because a) they just can' see how many follicles may be there as they are hidden by the cyst and b) they can't predict if they will be able to receive some, all, or none of what might be in the right one. So we go into this half blind.

My nurse called later that day to say my doc is upping my stim dosage which starts saturday in order to start out more aggressive. It shouldn't matter to me, but I just feel like my heart sunk a little that WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET, AND ALREADY MY BODY IS FAILING ME.

Sorry if I am overacting. I am not really; I just feel like my arms are stiff armed clinging to the sides of the boat, praying I am not thrown overboard and washed out to see with whatever might be around the corner. I really really really want to stay centered and not feel like such a tiny timid boat being rocked in the crashing waves.

I know I am going to be okay. And I know that one adjustment in my meds isn't that big of deal. In my head I know this. But my heart and my emotions feels so frail at times.

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better already.

3 more days of only lupron and then let the stims began!

The waiting is never ever done.

I feel like I am living two realities right now as we enter our first and long awaited IVF/ICSI cycle.

One the one hand- I feel like I am going to bubble over with joy and gratitude in the biggest way imaginable. I feel relief to finally be doing something that has such a high success rate. I am grateful we are no longer waiting. I am grateful for how easy the injections have been. I don't take for granted for a second how good I feel each day- no side effects yet, I feel clear headed. I even find myself feeling grateful about that fact that I feel grateful. (Ha!) I am in love with DH a million times more than ever before. I am so so so hopeful for a change.

But.

There is a constant thread that runs through me that feels like depression. I have tried to ignore it or rationalize it but the reality is it is there. As much as it seems contradictory, even to me, the above paragraph is all 100% accurate and real all the while I also feel blue, stuck, a bit edgy and cranky.

And I don't like that very much. I prefer it to be one or the other.

It makes sense to me why I would feel joy and gratitude right now. That seems logical. But I haven't been able to pinpoint why I have this thread of feeling blue running through me. Especially when the joy is so abundant.

DH just came in the room and sat with me for a minute as he took a break from his work. And I tried articulating these seemingly contradicting feelings. And some light bulbs starting going off a bit.

I have been creating milestones in my head - milestones and mini-milestones. I count and recount how many days of BCP are left, how many days until my next lab or U/s visit. I count how many weeks until the retrieval. How many weeks until I would tell my boss (if this cycle works). I THOUGHT this might help. I thought it would give me some mini-goals and help this pass quicker. But I am realizing that instead the weight (and wait) of all of these mini goals is a bit too much.

Because the waiting is never ever done. .....
One mini-goal accomplishment only leads to another. and another. and....
And there is very little I have control of between now and whenever....

And there is no amount of strength in me that can possibly muster up enough perseverance for the whole road ahead, when we don't know what that journey will hold.

The best I can possibly do is trust that I am provided for today. And for today, I have been given what it takes to walk this road.

Day by Day. This is my hope, that in all of this I can practice the kind of perseverance that only asks of me to be present ...today.

Welcome IComLeavWe~

If you are visiting here from IComLeavWe, Welcome!. This is my first time participating and I am looking forward to it.

A bit of my story for those that might be here for the first time: DH and and I have been married for 5, going on 6 years. We knew we wanted to have a family together, but wanted to have a a bit of newlywed years together before TTC. Dh was a bit more patient than I was. I worried that the clock was tickin' and ready sooner versus later. Life threw us some curve balls (unrelated to infertility) though and it ended up being nearly three years into our marriage before we decided the time was right.
Thermometer, calendar, and OPK in hand we dived right in. We were in awe that we were pregnant on the second month of trying, only to be devastated by the news it was a blighted ovum. Tentatively but hopefully we started trying again. It look longer the second time, but we got pregnant again well within the dreaded "1 year mark". History repeated itself though as we learned it was a blighted ovum once again. A few months of physical healing and many more months for emotional healing and we decided we most certainty had to be at the end of our bad luck streak. We decided on a few IUI cycles. However, after three negative IUIs and the road seemed to come to a dead end. All of 2010 we took a break. The break was somewhat intentional and somewhat unintentional. In part, we were just plain tired and not in a financial position to move on to IVF or adoption. But in part, I truly felt like we were out of options. IVF seemed insurmountable at the time. And I still believed that, given we got pregnant twice already, maybe, just mabye if we were patient enough we could still beat the odds by TTC on our own. DH's swimmers were a bit low in count and poor morphology, "But," we kept rationalizing "we got pregnant twice already, so they we can't be THAT bad off."

Near the end of 2010 I set up an appointment with my RE just to dip the tip of my tippy toe into the conversation about moving on to IVF. That led to telling the doctor about some severe pain I had been having just recently, he did an impromptu ultra sound, and the answer was instantaneous- my ovary was encased in a very large endometrioma. Not only were we dealing with unexplained RPL, not so great swimmers, now add severe endometriosis to the mix. The RE's recommendation as to next steps? Go directly to IVF, do not pass go.

So not exactly as planned, but not much is in this difficult journey of IF- thus the title of my blog, Life in the Detours. Tuesday will be my suppression check for our first IVF cycle. Tonight is my third day so far of Lup.ron injections.

And the next chapter is unfolding...

Grateful and Needles

We are getting better at this already. And I am SO grateful.

Yesterday was the first day of injections. DH wants this to be a way he can be involved, so he is giving the injections each night. And OH MY GOSH yesterday hurt. Yes, the pain subsided fairly quickly, but not quick enough. And it really hurt. Not what I was expecting. It spooked me a fair bit as I was already apprehensive about the days and days to come of these.

But tonight? Oh, tonight was blissful. I barely felt it. Bing, bang, and it was done. And did I mention I hardly felt it? Oh, what a relief. nice to know that practice helps and we will keep getting better at this. DH planned to try to be even quicker tonight with inserting the needle and that must have been the difference. But, Oh, was I relieved.

I do think I could give the injection to myself, and I will make sure to practice in case he ever isn't able to. But, I actually really am appreciating that he is doing this- and that it matters so much to him to be a part of it in his own way. At first when he was insistent on wanting to have this be his task, I sort of humored him. "Yea, well, okay, fine." But now I am finding it to be a relief as well as nice to not feel alone in it.

Random side note: Funny the things you think about when you enter into a new chapter in the IF journey. I have been fixated the last few days on thinking about the lab at our clinic and the embryologist. I've decided I want to find a way to get a tour and meet the lab folks. I had never given it any thought before, but now as I think about the role they play in all of this, I think I want to see it for myself. I want to see where all this amazing science is taking place. I wonder if our clinic allows that?

Needles

tonight begins my daily injections. No stim drugs yet, just lupron. Little nervous, mostly relieved to have this show on the road. I don't mind needles, but thinking about doing a shot every day for the next many many days is a little intimidating.

I will be okay.

As the grief has surrounded me, heavy layer by heavy layer the past couple of years I often wondered what healing would look like some day. First there was the miscarriage that shattered my innocence. Then the miscarriage that was beyond comprehension. And then, months and years of not being able to get pregnant. When I let myself believe that someday I would have a child, I found myself wondering if what the healing would feel like. Would a child in my arms heal all the old wounds? Or would it bring new joy, while the wounds still lingered in the background?

I still can't say I know what to expect, but the healing that has come just in the past month since we started moving towards IVF has been very welcomed indeed. I'm not sure what exactly is bringing about the healing, but finally having a diagnosis that gives us answers, knowing that IVF is our only option and that we aren't moving on to it prematurely, and actually starting the cycle, has me over-the-moon hopeful. I even find myself thinking that if we were to have another miscarriage, I would be able to handle it. Trust me, I am very optimistic about IVF for us, I'm not being a pessimist but I also know that things happen- bad luck happens. There was a time when I truly didn't think I would be able to live through the grief of another miscarriage, but I am feeling a strength and a resilience behind my hope that I haven't known in a long while.

As I sat in worship yesterday at church, I was so overcome with peace and joy. It wasn't the giddy type of joy that makes you want to tell the world, it was the type of joy that had be so absolutely content and whole that I felt a clarity that only happens occasionally. And in the midst of that I found myself being grateful for the strength and the perseverance I have gained from the last three years. It was hard. Brutal. Ugly. Devastating. Beyond comprehension. And yet I have not been broken by it. Sure there were times, much of the time, I only felt darkness and deep despair.

But now, now I can still sing, I still know joy, I am still loved, and I still hope.

That alone has me in awe, that despite all the brokenness, healing does come.

God, my prayer, as we dive into IVF with unyielding hope, is that you never let me forget that you are redeeming all things and always have been. And I will be okay, resting in you.

Baby in a Box

We arrived home to our box of meds at the front door, thanks to Fed Ex. I was expecting a lot of drugs and such, but I wasn't expecting such a big box. HA!

The box took its place of honor in the middle of the living room, and husband affectionately dubbed it our "baby in a box." It all starts here on the path to baby...

DH said "someday we'll show the kid these pics and tell them that is where they came from."
***************************

We had an appointment with our RE today-to sign consent forms take blood work and ask any final questions. I've always liked my RE, but today I just loved him. He was just wonderful and just what we needed to set the mood in a positive direction. He just let us pepper him with questions. We didn't have many as we've explored this decision from every angle already, but it was good to get to just ask questions about even the smallest of concerns. And my husband!?! I could just squeeze him to pieces, and I did after the appointment. He just was so THERE with me. I shouldn't be surprised, as we have a really good thing in our marriage, but he and I spend different amounts of time and energy thinking (and reading blogs) about these types of things. I live and breathe IF and IVF through blogs, googling, talking with girlfriends (probably far too much). And while DH cares about all this, he isn't immersed in it all the time (which is probably a good thing). But he had read the 20 page packet the doctor had given us with all the nitty gritty explaining the process and had great questions. (Our RE even commented on how well prepared and relaxed we were about all of it). The doc finished with us and left the room after talking with us at length, and there wasn't a flood of emotion I felt, there wasn't any fear, it just was a peace-filled confidence in what we are doing. DH slapped his hand playfully on my knee, leaned in and said- "It's baby time, wifey"

Injection class tomorrow. Lupron injections start in a week. In 6 weeks we will know if this worked or not.

Jan. 7, 2010 vs. Jan. 7, 2011

One year ago today, I was inspired by this quote

Oh, how spot on those words are now- even more so it seems.

One year ago today we were 7 days past IUI#3. I knew in my gut it was the last energy I had left in me for IUI attempts. After that I had not idea where we would go. When we got our BFN, the fog was thick. I had no idea where we would go from there, or how or when we would ever possibly make IVF possible.

Boy, how things have changed. Here we are today.

Deeper into the world of things I have no control over

Oh my. What a day.

I am certain I can come to expect more of this as I enter deeper into the world of things I have no control over.

It all started last night. When I found out out payment is due for our cycle earlier than I had planned (gulp, but okay) and then found I wasn't able to make a transfer like I had planned in our online bank account.

A worried phone call early this morning to my bank, and sure enough- the bank had screwed up. Major. The funding that a month ago when we met with them that they had assured us was all in order and easy to access- well, not so much. A gallon of bureaucratic steps still need to be done. And we had been assured a month ago it was a-ok. (If you want a good laugh of the irony of all this, go back and read what I wrote the day we had first gone to the bank)

There was more today, but I will leave it at that. The other things were small, less of a big deal, but added all together it was just a roller coaster of a day. In the end, I think it has all worked out in time for us to make payment tomorrow. (Although I won't truly believe it until I see the final receipt stamped "paid"!) DH is going to run the few last errands to the bank, post office, etc. tomorrow.

Here are some reflections via bullet points:

- I has a few moments of despair or the chin starting to quiver as my nice, neat, well-thought out finance plan started to crumble before my very eyes today. But I have to say I was pleased with how I (mostly) kept it all in perspective and reminded myself that there is going to be a lot of these kind of days. And all that matters is to keep breathing until the very end- keeping in mind the bigger goal of creating a family.
- My meds will be arriving Wednesday! And they ended up costing less than I had budgeted. I know they might still order more for me, but for now it was a nice surprise.
-I pride myself in being a hard worker at work and going above and beyond. But I can say that today I officially got almost nothing done at work. I was so distracted and on the phone with the bank and the clinic and the pharmacy. It was crazy. Thankfully everyone else was busy today so I don't think anyone would have noticed my lack of productivity. I don't think I have ever slacked off that much at work for a whole day before - ever.
-I feel a mix of emotions tonight- I feel raw in some ways, like the kind of raw you feel when grief washes over you. I'm not sure where that is coming from? Maybe it is the vulnerability that goes hand in hand with making this big of a leap- emotionally, financially, and physically. Now that I see those words typed out, I think that is what I am feeling- the rawness of vulnerableness. It is hard to pin point, but I just feel like I have been through the ringer today. And, well- I have. We are jumping, jumping off the cliff and it isn't a small decision. I have no regrets, but.. Deciding to have a baby is big enough in and of itself, but deciding to take on the physical risks and the financial commitment- wooo, I have to remind myself this isn't a little undertaking.

Practicing Patience (Sort of)

I'm not very patient. I like to think of myself as planner, rather than inpatient. But when it comes down to it I am plain ol' inpatient. I prefer things in life that I have control over. Even if it only appears I have control over it.

I like calendars, spreadsheets, label makers, boxes and containers. I like to plan, sort, and compartmentalize.

Needless to say, when I got my IVF calendar today - and the start date was way later in January than I had mentally prepared myself for- I had to take a deep breath. I reminded myself (or tried to) remind myself that a few weeks in the big picture isn't that big of deal at all. It has been 3 years TTC- what's a couple more weeks? I tried to tell myself that this is good practice for me as the coming weeks, months, and years are going to be about practicing patience in the things I have no control over. (You'd think I would have learned this by now!) Whether is be numerous IVF cycles or more miscarriages or waiting for ultrasounds or blood work or sleepless nights with baby- one opportunity after another of practicing patience awaits me.

Well, as it turns out, I didn't have to be patient for too long. In the calendar I got, the window for my ER would have fallen right in the midst of DH's business trip. (He rarely travels for work). So I inquired about moving it up a week (all the while worrying my nurse would push it out even further). And I now have in my hands an updated calendar and it is a week earlier! So, I'm content with that. It still pushes the POAS day to be at the very end of February, but at least I'll know before March if the cycle worked or not. The first calendar I got, the POAS day would have been in March - EGAD! that is light ages away. Ha!

So, I have a laundry list of forms to read and sign a few more appointments to make and I am pleased as punch to have something to do- something that gives me at least the illusion of having some control in all of this. :)

More normal

I got my CD3 labwork from Saturday back today and all is normal.

My nurse said my Estradiol was 35 and FSH was 5.7. Some other things were normal as well, but I didn't listen carefully as I was so thrilled with the first two results.

I am growing fond of that word "normal." In this rocky journey of IF, having something be plain ol' boring is awfully nice.

My nurse (whom I adore!) is working on my IVF calendar as we speak. I should have it in my hands today or tomorrow.

This is actually happening!!

Happy New Year, CD 3!

CD 1 was Thursday. I felt joy welling up inside of me as I talked with my nurse to (finally) schedule CD 3 bloodwork- the long awaited first step in IVF #1. FSH and Estrogen will be checked today along with some other less important stuff that she is throwing in the labwork just to get it done and checked off my list. I start birth control tomorrow (still not exactly sure why, but seems pretty common from what I read).

And if all goes as planned, sometime in February we will know if I am pregnant or not from cycle #1. (We aren't going to talk yet about the long, mentally draining wait from POAS until viability- but we'll cross that bridge when we have to).

On another note, my endo reared its ugly head in a major way this cycle and the pain was not only brutal, but long lived. DH was ready to scrap our IVF plan and opt for surgery for my endo. But I reminded him that getting pregnant will have the same desired effect- my endo pain will subside for the near future. And thankfully, as soon as AF arrives the pain becomes manageable.

What a way to start the new year. Oh, Mr. 2011, I have so much hope for you.

And a new year has begun....