Giddy

Absolutely giddy. What's up with that? Giddiness is NOT an emotion I have ever felt following an IUI.

My apologies for advance if any of this sounds cheezy or sappy- well, cuz it probably will be. But I figure I spend most of my time apologizing with the cuzz words and anger fly when I am in the valleys, so I might was well spout off about the high points too.

DH collected his sample at home and drove it to the clinic. As soon as he collected his spirit just sunk. He was so worried he hadn't "performed" well enough, as he provides a sample for the 4th time. Oh, how I hate that part of this journey-- that even my husband feels like he is not measuring up.

Anyways- I arrived two hours later, full bladder. The office was relaxed, the nurse and doctor were great. There was no wait, a tiny challenge getting the speculum into position, but it just all went well. As the doctor left, she patted my leg and said that I was her last patient of 2009! Woo hoo! Maybe that will count for something in the luck department.

I am certain my upbeat mood has little to do with the logistics of today and probably moreso, my mood made today seem like it all went well. I just was grateful for it being easy for a change.

DH's count: His post-wash count of his swimmers was 2.5. Far less than they like to see (At least 5, but in an ideal world 10) but about a million more than last time in October (1.6). And only slightly less than the September count (3.1.) (Funny, I was devastated when we learned about his 3.1 count in September, but now having a history with this, I rejoiced to be back up to 2.5. Oh the ironies). So all in all, I was pleased. I just keep telling myself, we are doing everything that is within our control. So much isn't in our control, but there is nothing I can do about that.

Hope is an energizing thing. I want to not be afraid to hope anymore. I want to not have to protect myself that somehow if I hope, I will be experience deeper despair. Because I really do want to hope...

100th Post and IUI#3

100 posts on the last day of the year. I had planned on doing something more substantive for this post, but haven't gotten around to it yet.

Today is IUI#3. I called in "sick" to work because the IUI is right smack in the middle of the day, and the clinic is no where near my office. So, I am home, sleeping in, and looking forward to a low key day to end 2009. Sleep in, do IUI, new years eve party tonight with dear friends, and then a long weekend. Sounds like a good way to wrap up the year to me.

DH is delivering his goods in a few hours and I'll be going in for the IUI shortly after. As much as I wish we weren't still TTC and on IUI #3, it is nice to know what to expect and have it all be a bit more routine.

Noelle left a comment on my last post that has really stuck with me. She said "Just think...this may be the last cycle that you have to worry about this."

As much as I am still trying to manage my expectations so that I don't fall too hard if this doesn't go the way I want it, I am trying to hold on to that simple and astonishing statement- just maybe, this could be it. (Thanks Noelle for that reminder!)

Hoping deeply that we have a good post-wash count today with DHs swimmers. His counts have gotten worse and worse from his first semen analysis, to post wash counts on IUI#1 & #2. His count today will be important for knowing if we indeed are seeing a trend to be alarmed about.

Oh, 2009- you definitely did not look how I had hoped. But today I feel a sense of calm, knowing that the darkness has not overcome me even with this difficult journey, and amazingly, I still have hope. Hope that someday this WILL be beautiful.

and a new year is about to begin once again........

Not meant to be? Part II

To put this in to context, read Part i here:

Once I regained some composure, I called my usual clinic (the clinic that I had had a cd 13 appointment, but then canceled to go to the other clinic). Well, I swallowed my pride and called them back to see if they could squeeze me back in. And they could! I came back home, blogged my last post, and tried to find my center again while I killed some time. I was still a bit fragile as I finished writing my last post (Part I) and was getting my coat on to leave for my follicle check. I hugged DH (have I mentioned how much I love him?) and shared with him some of my thoughts about not seeing a Bigger Plan in all of this and how this just does not feel like the times in which I am assured that the Spirit is on the move. I wondered aloud if we were making wrong decisions. He held me tight and said just the right things (Have I mentioned how DH is my rock?!!) "Hon, God doesn't usually come in the obvious ways, but rather in the still and in the quiet. The spirit is at work in this, maybe we need to be open to seeing the small ways." He held me tight as if he was trying to piece my fragile faith back together.

I left for my appointment, reflecting on how emotional I am these days- maybe the grief, maybe the drugs, maybe the unknowns. I was also bracing myself for the possibility of not liking the doctor who was on the schedule to do my u/s. He was really not my favorite the first time I had him (he did our IUI #1). The nurse took me back, got me situated, I told her I would need her to call in my HCG injection to the mail-order pharmacy. She left the exam room, and I swear, if I was a cartoon character, you could have seen a light bulb and cussing in the balloon above my head. I realized that if my follies were ready I would need HCG tonight! What was a thinking? I don't have time to have it shipped to me. And I don't know of any local pharmacies that carry it. Doh!! I was just shaking my head at the how messed up this cycle (seemed to ) has gotten. I almost got myself dressed and walked out right then and there.

The Dr. that I didn't think I liked came in....and he... was.... fabulous. Personable, friendly apologetic for the wait. I breathed a sigh of relief. My follies responded just as nicely to Fem.ara as to my last to clomid cycles. And I actually took some delight in seeing my insides on the u/s again after taking a month off. Two plump follies on the right and one on the left. Oh, what a nice sight to see. I love having follies ready on both sides, last cycle there was only follies on the right. They might be a bit too ready though (this happened last cycle too). But, oh well- I talked it through with the doctors and the nurse in depth and all feel that I still will be close enough, but next cycle (?) a CD 12 would be a better day for follie check. (I caught myself saying next cycle so matter of factly, and the nurse was very sweet to remind me "if" I needed a next cycle). They also have HCG on hand in the office (makes sense, but it never dawned on me- so they sent me home with what I needed, and I will just reimburse their supply).

IUI will be Thursday. Right in the middle of the work day. But I just don't care. I might even take the day off of work. Because I can. DH has the day off on Thursday.

This is all coming together....

Maybe I am missing the small, quiet ways in which the spirit is at work in all of this. Maybe the spirit is at work in giving me the strength to keep pushing the rock up the cliffside. Maybe the spirit was at work in the embrace of my husband, and the reminder that in all of this, having him as a husband is more beautiful gift than anything I could have imagined.

Maybe.

Not meant to be? : Part I

Updated with Part II. Click here to read the rest of the story

I don't know about you, but I struggle in life to recognize God's presence in my life. I hear others talk about hearing God's voice or receiving confirmation of God's plan, but I can't say that that is the way it goes for me.

There have been moments though- moments in which (particularly in hindsight, but also in the moment) that I am so aware of the "spirit at work" within me. It is hard to put words to it, but I just know that there have been moments when I know that something bigger than me is at work. I can recall a moment at church when I had a peace (almost a confirmation?) about my career change and my decision to apply to grad school. I can recall moments during DHs cancer treatment that we were so surrounded by caring friends, family and strangers, that we had not doubt of God's seemingly embracing us. And then there are those experiences, in which a dear friend who I have lost contact with has unexpectedly been on my mind all day, only to call them up after ages of not talking to them and to learn of some difficulty in their life, and that my timing was impeccable.

There are those moments- moments in which, for lack of better words, I feel the spirit moving in ways that are bigger than me, in ways I will never understand, in ways that humble me.

And then there are the times that feel absolutely nothing like that.

This last week, I feel like we are pushing a rock up a cliff. There is nothing about this past week that feels anything like the work of God. And I can't help but let the doubt creep in (and it has crept WAY in) and wonder if I am pushing my own agenda, that I am maybe pursuing a futile path. But as soon as I type that, I find myself even questioning if their is a bigger Plan in all of this anyways. If I didn't push my agenda, and explore all options at all cost, then what? Then where would this path take us?

When I called to schedule my CD 13 u/s- I called my usual clinic. Made an appointment. And then thought to myself, I really like the other clinic even better- so on a whim called them. They just happened to have (in a very tightly scheduled week) an appointment at their closer to me office with MY doctor (who I like a lot) at a time that worked for me.

So I show up there today. Pleased as punch that traffic cooperated and everything was going as planned, arrived with 10 minutes to spare. or so I thought...

And my appointment was not at THAT office, it was at the other office across town. Furthermroe, there were no more appointments at EITHER office with any doctors. This is where I start to loose it (on the inside at least, maybe on the outside?). I used words such as "frustrated" and "a challenging" but I am sure the receptionist has no idea how completely pissed I was. Or maybe she did, I don't know.

She offered me an appointment with an u/s tech. A) I would have had to drive to the other office and B) why would you have a tech do the u/s when usually you ONLY schedule these follicle checks with doctors. Isn't then there a reason you typically only schedule it with doctors? So why would I let a tech do it becuase you f#$@ed up your schedule? (What I wanted to say but didn't).

I walked out mumbling and said I "this isn't going to work."

I was near hysterical by the time I got out of the building. Phone in hand, dialing DH. Sobbing and raging to him as he tried to comfort me.

And I just wonder if the universe is telling me something. You see, it is not just this one appointment mishap. It is a bunch of small things. But moreso, it is the absence of anything that remotely resembles the spirit at work in all of this. So what does all this mean? Is the IF journey, just by its very nature, destined to be an uphill battle with no sense of the spirit at work? Am I just not opening myself up to be aware of the ways the spirit is at work? Or is all of this trying to tell me that I am barking up the wrong tree?

Is this IUI cycle just not meant to be? Is all of it not meant to be? How do I know if I keep fighting or just walk away...

If I could pray

I can't seem to pray these days. And I know for certain I am not able to listen, even if I were to pray.

But if I were to pray....

I'd pray that DH's November hernia repair was part of our answer and that DH numbers improve noticeably for our IUI#3.
I'd pray that next cycle I don't need to do the sono(whatchama callit) as a follow up to my inconclusive HSG.
I'd pray that my letrozal induced follies are ready on CD 13 (Tuesday) to trigger.

But I'd really pray that each and every day of this journey I could be at peace.

I'd pray that I am making the right decisions in this journey.

I'd pray that I could daily trust that beauty, beyond what I could possibly imagine, will most definitely come from all of this.

If I could pray, that would be my prayer...

Follie check and spending

I called earlier this week to schedule my follicle check for CD13. First I called the RE clinic that has been doing (almost all) my consultations and both of my two IUIs. The doctor who would be doing my U/S this cycle was not my favorite, but I figured "oh well, it is just an quick u/s". DH and I had toyed with the idea of switching to the other RE clinic for this cycle- but given it is farther away and given we just know how things work at our current RE, we had decided to stay with what we know for this IUI. But when I found out which doctor I'd be seeing...I just thought- heck, why not try the other clinic. So I called the RE clinic that did my HSG last week, just to see what time and which doctor I would see. They had the exact same time slot for an u/s as our other clinic. And as it turns out, it would be my RE doing the u/s. I really like this REI, even though we haven't had many appointments. So I'll be doing IUI#3 with the further away clinic. It makes the logistics a bit more complicated as it is further away, but all in all I feel good about it.

This is my first cycle on Letrozal/Femara. First of all- the price. OMG! It was 10x more expensive then clomid because I couldn't buy the generic. Is that really true? is there really no generic version of Femara? That just didn't seem right, but I didn't have time with us going out of town to research it further. So, in the big picture of IF related expenses, big deal, but if it wasn't for my new RE strongly advising switching, I would really be reconsidering.

Also, because this is a new drug, we have no idea how I will respond. I responded well to clomid, but it is a guessing game with this cycle. I am crossing my fingers that all goes the same and that by CD13 u/s I will be ready to trigger. I really hope I don't have to go back more than once waiting for the follicles to be ready.


I think I am mostly just going the the motions this cycle. Sometimes it becomes so routine that I forget that all the mundaness of doc appointments, drugs, tests, etc are all for a bigger purpose. It is sort of sad that it has become so much a part of our lives that it has become routine. But, it does help time pass faster.

I have started feeling a little panicky about the money we are spending. I don't know where that is coming from. I think I feel like there is no end in sight. If I KNEW that this would all lead to our desired outcome, or even if I KNEW for sure that I would have no regrets, I know that I wouldn't get panicky about spending the money. And in reality, we have barely even dipped out feet in the pool of IF treatment options as far as expenses go. And insurance has covered far more than I ever thought. And we HAVE the money in our savings to spend, which he had intentionally saved so that we would have it to help with growing our family. But it is still hard. I question myself as to if we are really spending according to our values. I question myself as to how far I will go down this road and at what cost. My hope is that at the right time, I will just know when the timing is right for us to stop or redirect. I hope I will know.

Christmases Past

It's funny, but as I think back on Christmases past, I can only remember vividly the Christmases as a married couple. This will be our fifth Christmas together as a married couple. Our fifth christmas in our 1st home together. As I think back before that, the memories are much fuzzier during the years of dating and being single.

First Christmas
We had been married for all of 6 months. We had learned of DH's diagnosis of stage 4 cancer just two weeks before Christmas. Having just recovered from the 1st surgery to diagnose and biopsy, a week before Christmas we had our first day (of what would be many) hanging out at the chemo center as DH received his IV meds. We felt raw and stripped bare and yet full of life and purpose all at the same time. The shock was tremendous not knowing what was ahead. The hope and despair equally as jolting. The comfort and support that surrounded us from our community- family and strangers- was life changing. That year, DH decided he wanted to sing xmas carols together- it is a tradition that we have continued every year. So I printed out a ton of songs from the internet, and we sat by the fire xmas day and sang carols, and held each other. I still have those same print outs that we used that Christmas.

Second Christmas
The second Christmas I was home on break from grad school after living on campus far away from DH for nearly 3 months (we racked up lots of frequent flier miles during that time!!). It was wonderful to be home. DH was done with treatments (final surgery had been in June) and 6 months later, he finally had his umpf back. We traveled out of the country (the trip we had had planned for the previous xmas, but cancelled when he was diagnosed). We celebrated xmas with 150 friends and strangers at the most amazing xmas celebrations abroad ever.

Third Christmas 2007
Our third Christmas we rejoiced as we decorated the house for the first time. Year 1 we hadn't really decorated because we thought we would be out of the county for all of winter break, but instead ended up with doctors and chemo labs. Year 2 we were out of the country and so we didn't decorate, and so year three was a time to celebrate just being home. The simple things like hanging lights, telling stories about each xmas ornament we hung and how it came in to our lives. It also was the first year that my FIL was living in the same town as us and so it was the first year we celebrated xmas with more then just the two of us. DH shared his life story at our church's Longest Night service that year. The night that our church gathers to the light amidst the darkness in our life. He talked about the roller coaster of life- the ups and down- the tragedies and joys... and the roller coaster got even wilder for us that coming year....

Fourth Christmas 2008
Snow. Snowed in for days. Barely made it to the Christmas eve worship service. A quiet Christmas. We celebrated a 2nd year of having DH's father living near by. The grief was present as we had had our first miscarriage earlier that spring. The grief was magnified in that my baby sister had had her first child just before Thanksgiving, and the family was all together (across country in a different state than we live) oohing and aahing over the new grandchild over the phone. While the grief was there, and I was struggling with the fact that my estimated due date and the birth of my niece had come and gone and I was still not pregnant again. But I still mustered up some hope- assuming naively that the next time we got pregnant we would be home free.

Fifth Christmas 2009
I'll admit that the darkness has settled into my spirit even deeper this year. I find that when I click to my blog page, and see the About Me section, I have often gasped in disbelief when I realize "That is me, 2 miscarriages and 1 failed adoption in just over two years- that..is...me" It is hard to fathom that I have lived through all that. DH had to drag me kicking and screaming into the holiday spirit this year. I am glad that he did- he pulled out all the decorations and I watched, as the fire roared and the xmas music played, I felt my spirit lift a bit. We plan to see some friends, sing Christmas carols together in front of the fire place, hold each other a little bit tighter and muster up more hope for what the new year might bring.

HSG Results and IUI take #3

DH and I had a nice weekend away to relax, and slow down a bit. Of, course, AF reared its ugly head on day two of the vacation. I knew that it was coming, so it wasn't a surprise, but it was still hard. I think the holidays have also added to my grief, because I have had some days of being just plain cranky and days of the sobbing tears that come out of no where. Christmas is one of those times of the year that marks the passage of yet another year- another year with things not looking how I thought they would, how I wanted it to be....

We are back to RE land this cycle after trying a DIY cycle this past month. I had an HSG yesterday and a follow up appointment today. Good news is that my tubes are both open. Bad news is that my uterus doesn't quite look how they want it to. Could be scar tissue, could be a polyp (although not too likely), could just be a mystery but they just don't know. I am suppose to have a follow up test (a saline sono something or other?) to explore this further next cycle. So basically (once again) it is more info, but not more answers. And they have no idea if any of this would have any impact on getting pregnant.

Today is CD7 and I just took my last dose of Letrozal. As I have mentioned before, I have sort of been straddling two RE clinics. I have been doing my IUIs at the clinic near our house and getting some 2nd opinions (and now recently doing the HSG) at the clinic in the city. Now I have to decide where I will actually have my IUI done this cycle. Stay with the place I know and that is 5 minutes from my house? or Go to the place where I had my HSG? This is the decision that I need to make today. We'll see...

When we do our IUI (probably new years eve day or new years day- nice, huh?! insert sarcasm), it will have been just shy of two months since my husband's hernia repair. He still believes (and I am hoping) that the hernia was negatively impacting his sperm count. Three months is how long it can take for counts to rebound, but our doctor said that if there was to be an improvement, we would see it incrementally. Hoping this is true. Cuz I am getting tired of doctors. Adding in a urologist to the mix is a layer of this journey I just want to avoid.

12dpo

I don't feel great today. I don't know why. I think AF is coming, so that is probably it. But I just don't feel myself.

I have lost hope in this cycle. Just a gut feeling. I also took my temp this morning after not charting it for the past week. Which truly doesn't tell me much having missed many days of temping, but I am convinced my temp is on the way down.

Today is 12dpo. The final POAS time is almost here. I almost tested today, but then realized I think I only have one peestick left. So I am waiting...

There are glimpses, when I am so centered, that I can embrace the idea of "someday" having a child, and be totally at peace with not knowing when that "someday" will be AND I can simultaneously find joy in the planning in other non-TTC areas of my life- like travel, getting in better shape, or career aspirations. There are moments!

But then, more often then not, I feel like I can only have one or the other- I can only be TTC OR having a full life in the hear and now. I just wish I could not get so wrapped up in this TTC. I wish I could not care what happens with the 2WW, I wish I could just trust that it is all going to be okay and that it will happen eventually....

*****************************

The b**bs hurt so badly. They have hurt everyday since I ovulated. 12 days people! I am so tired of them throbbing. And google is freaking me out (and pissing me off)- I can't tell if I have a nice healthy level of progesterone and that is the cause or if I have too much estrogen and low progesterone and that is the cause. But they really shouldn't be hurting for 12 days straight?!! This isn't even a medicated cycle- this is just my own hormones flippin' out.

Once upon a time

When we first found out we were pregnant (the first time). We decided not to tell my family. It was really really hard to keep it from them. I talk to my family every day, they like to know all about what goes on in our lives. And I had to work very hard to not spill the beans.

but we were going to be visiting them- And I would have been 9 weeks when we were visiting. And my favorite aunt was going to be there as well. It was perfect. I was giddy with excitement at the gifts I had had made as a way of announcing it to my family.



Instead, I called my family in advance of the trip and told them we were pregnant, but going to miscarry. These gifts, and my innocence, got stuck in a box, in a closet somewhere. Our time spent with them felt more like preparation for a funeral. It was..

And it was not how I had planned....

Until.

If this cycle is a BFN (I know, so much for optimism when I am already thinking BFN), but if it is, I have 4 more cycles to have a child born in 2010. Anything beyond 2010 and it marks one more year, added to the list of years we have been TTC. And it is also 4 more cycles of TTC before we will have reached that magic 1 yr benchmark and labeled infertile. Technically I think we already bear that label with two miscarriages, but we have yet to go more then 12 months without getting pregnant. First pregnancy came on second month of trying (oh, how I look back on that on shake my head- it seemed so easy). Second pregnancy came after 7-8 months of trying (but I can't say we were trying very hard for that whole time i don't think.) Now, trying for pregnancy number three, we are on cycle 8 I think.

POAS in about 6 more days for this cycle....

and then...

4 more tries....

I know it is twisted to even count like this. But this countdown keeps coming to me as our reality. In part it feels like a goal to achieve- "okay, (pat pat on shoulder pads" just 4 more tries. we can do this." In part I think this helps give me a timeframe of when I need to make the next decision. More on to adoption? IVF? Do Nothing? Keep trying the same? I am giving myself 4 more cycles until I need to deal with any of those questions.

Too much thinking time on my hands

This weekend DH asked me more than once- "You seem a bit pensive?". I don't know why exactly. I think I have had too much time on my hands- (nice problem to have, huh?!) I have been counting and recounting the days until I can POAS. Why I recount them, I don't know- it isn't like it changes from one minute to the next. I spend too much time thinking "what if". Too much time to hoping for the outcome I want. I also (for the first time in a long time) really believed that getting pregnant IS possible this cycle, and then it dawned on me that that also means a miscarriage would be possible. Which I know, I can't even go down that road of worrying. But sometimes I get so caught up in our difficulty GETTING pregnant that I conveniently forget that staying pregnant has been our even bigger problem.

So I have decided to stop charting my temp the remainder of this cycle. The only reason I would chart is to watch for the temperature drop signaling AF is near. And I don't want to daily put energy into waiting for that. I am hoping that by not charting for this next week, I can just "be" and let go.

choice

Two weeks ago I got an email from the job I had applied for and done a preliminary interview. The email said that they would be contacting the finalists that make it to round #2 interviews within two weeks. Time's up. I did not get a call.

And I am so absolutely relieved.

I have started seeing a counselor. I have gone only twice so far. Two 50 minute sessions and the light bulbs were going off all over the place. For the days and weeks following the appointment I was seeing things differently, asking different questions, walking a new path--- or rather getting back on the track I want to be on.

In hindsight, I can see that I applied for that job out of desperation. I was at low point and in that funk, everything seemed even worse off than it really was. I was feeling like I was unappreciated and underutilized in my one job. And feeling like my non-profit we started was going no where and facing roadblock after road block. I was growing desperate and losing hope in the TTC process. And I was feeling like I no longer had control over getting in life what I wanted.

So I applied for a full-time job. And got a first interview.

I used to have a counselor years ago that I saw regularly for a while and then just intermittently. She retired, I was feeling balanced, and it was a good time to walk away from counseling. But years later, after I came back from grad school, I felt the need to start again. I searched and search- finally chose one, and after 4 or 5 sessions it just wasn't a good fit. She wasn't very good. That was a year and a half ago and I have since drug my feet finding another one- But about a month ago, I realized, it was no longer an option to drag my feet. I needed to take the plunge again. Two sessions later I like this one well enough, but more importantly I feel like she is good at what she does. She has been very systematic with me in exploring the edges and the heart of things and asking the right questions.

Getting that first job interview was the final straw for me to find a counselor. (That should have been a clear enough red flag for me that the job wasn't the right direction- when getting a job interview causes you to want to see a counselor, something istn' right) I knew that following this path of this new job was stirring up stuff and I was having problems discerning whether to follow the job possibility or not.

In the first session, the a-ha moment was as simple as her asking the question "What are your priorities?" She also prefaced this with talking about the "costs" involved in pursuing any dream. There is a cost involved- financial, but also a personal- time, energy, health etc - to me pursuing my own start up business. There is a cost in me working a part time job in that it doesn't advance my career as much as a full time job and pays less. There is a cost to trying to get pregnant. And There is a cost in taking a full time job, even though it pays more, I would still have to give up other things in life.

It became so clear to me that the path I am on is the path that I am choosing. I think I had started to feel like I know longer had a choice in life (victim mentally). But I have started to realize that this IS what I want. I am okay with the fact that being in a part-time job lacks the clout, salary, and career advancement of a full time job- but it means that I have time to pursue my own business (not to mention all the infertility appointments). It makes for an almost ideal job when we do have a family, given it is in my field of work and it is only 2 1/2 days a week (with a daycare on site and at the same place my husband works). And I am okay with it because I am choosing to invest this chapter of my life to growing our family. And given our TTC journey, it is taking more of an investment then I had planned on or wanted, but given those are the cards we have been dealt, I am CHOOSING to give it my all. Even if I have to give up a little here and there.

At some point, my choices might look different. At some point, I might decide that the sacrifices are too much, and I might change my direction. But for now, I am finding some freedom and direction in acknowledging that, while there are costs to any path I choose, this is what I am choosing.

Update on this cycle

I have been horrible at commenting lately. I am still reading along! And will engage again soon I think.

We took a break this cycle from the world of IF treatments, and it has been so good for me. I am breathing again. It was a hard decision to make- but in the end it was a good decision. We will resume next cycle with and IUI and a HSG. I am also going to be changing from Clomid to Letrozol (spelling?)next cycle for a couple of reasons (a post for a later time).

But for this cycle, our TTC journey and my reproductive equipment is my own. No doctors, exams, blood draws, medicines, NADA!

Of course, that doesn't mean we are not trying. :)(feel free to stop reading if you don't care to hear me talk about -you know, ahem- the husband and I, and you know what)

We are not taking a total break. Smile, smirk, grinning ear to ear. And it has been wonderful. Oh, how I have missed the old fashioned way. Just the two of us, no doctors, no medical equipment up my who-ha, no rushing to the lab with swimmers in a plastic cup. And sure, there is still temperature charting each morning and I have peed on 5 OPKs in the past several days, but when it comes to DH and I being together- it is just us, no agenda, no burden, no "trying", it is just us! Sigh..heaven.

In some ways it has even been empowering- to be in charge of my own attempts at procreating. In doing IUIs, it definitely can feel like it is being done "to you" and you are a long for the ride, a passive recipient with no control in the matter. (okay, we never really have control over the outcome, but you know what I mean).

As I have been learning, my cycles seem to work how they are supposed to as far as I can tell. My BBT temperature spike and my positive OPKs and DH and I doing the woopdy-doo all worked according to plan this cycle. We did everything within our power. (Side note: this was my first time using OPKs on a non-medicated cycle- I have to say that I think I enjoyed the thrill of being able to get a positive on a pee stick. After so many negative pregnancy pee sticks, even a positive OPK is a boost to my confidence.)

So, we enter the 2ww. But in the meantime, I am going to the gym again, have gotten back on track at weightwatchers, and feeling a lot more centered. Now, the goal is to keep centered even during IUI cycles.

Still trying to trust that there is a bigger plan in all of this.

Contentness?

I love a spontaneous afternoon of baking cookies. Unplanned, unprepared for, just deciding that the ingredients in the cupboard would go nicely together and then making a mess of the kitchen

I love a Saturday morning spent at the gym. Aerobics class, some weights, and then back home for a healthy lunch and a hot shower. Why, I must ask myself do I get out of the habitat of doing this??

I love my morning commute- a 5 mile bike ride, 45 minutes on the bus to people watch, while I am lost in the world of the tunes on my mp3 player with no demands on my time and no distractions. I love the sense of community and cooperation that comes with using public transportation.

I love slow mornings, when DH and I find our selves giggling in bed like school kids. After all these years, I still am in awe that the joy just bubbles out of us in the form of silly giggles as we make each other laugh and talk about important and non-important stuff.

I like a clean fridge. With drawers full of fresh produce washed and ready to eat. with see-through tupperware containers of a variety of foods and meals that were made in advance. Granted, this isn't always the state of my fridge, but its the goal.

I love Yollie. She doesn't get talked about much on this blog as she is old enough to tell her own story. She wanted to be our daughter- officially and legally and we wanted to be her parents. But it couldn't happen the way we wanted it to. She is growing up, and we miss her terribly, but lately we have had some phone call exchanges and the sound of her voice warms my heart. She will always be my daughter.

My heart has been a bit lighter these days. Contentness is creeping back in. I feel that I have guarded my heart from feel contentness, but I know it is a good thing. I still fear that by feeling content, that the rug will be pulled out from under me once again. But for today, I am enjoying just being.

"I'm late, I'm late for a very important date"

AF came on Monday. While AF actually arriving is always a bit hard emotionally, I have to say that physically it is such a relief. I don't know how to explain it but the days leading it to AF I feel like my hormones are at war with each other. And I am caught in the middle. I get cranky, depressed, yucky feeling, and feeling like I am going to crack. On top of it, it usually takes 2-3 days from the date I first see my temperature plummet until AF comes- so their is that factor too- knowing it is about to come, and waiting and waiting.

All in all, I am realizing that AF finally coming gives me some relief, and I guess some closure to allow me to shift my hope to what lies ahead.

So what lies ahead?

I'm not sure exactly what this month will look like. I have decided that I need a break from the meds. I have gained about 5 pounds (probably emotional eating), and I have slipped from my exercise routine. And I just feel unbalanced, uncentered in life. And I just don't know if I am ready to start this all over again come Friday (CD 5) which is when I would start the meds. I considered (and actually have scheduled) an HSG, but to get the most benefit from the possible boost to our chances of getting pregnant my doctor advices TTC during the cycle of the HSG. What I haven't decided is whether TTC this month is a) medicated IUI, b) unmedicated IUI or c) trying it on our own. I could also postpone the HSG until next cycle (but I am anxious to have this done and out of the way and see if it provides any answers.)

So I don't know. I happen to have an appointment with Dr. Grass is greener on Friday which is CD5. So technically I could decide on that day to start the meds. My other question for her would be, based on my follicle history so far, could we/should we move my follicle check from CD 13 to CD 12. IF she agrees that makes sense, then it would fall on a Sunday and be MUCH easier not having to deal with work schedules.

The other factor in this is the DH had surgery this past week. It was nothing serious- a hernia repair, but a pretty extensive repair and the recovery has been slow. He has been in pain and, ummm er, it impacts the boy parts. The hernia was in the lower abdomen. But the way that they do the repair and the anatomy of the body means that, to quote his doctor, "you are going to feel like you took a blow to the nuts." So he has been swollen and sore down there. (TMI?) And of course, I am worried a little bit- hoping we didn't do anything to make all of this even more complicated with his equipment. Hernia repairs have a small chance of affecting fertility. So, I guess time will tell. I have been reading that stress or illness that affects sperm counts can be delayed several months. So does that mean that 3 months from now we could be seeing even worse counts? Gosh, I hope not. Out of my control, I know.

The other thing I have been ruminating on is the sense of time ticking away. I have written about this before, but I feel like on this TTC journey the clock is ticking and I am running out of time. I feel like the White rabbit in Alice and Wonderland- scurrying around -"I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date." I feel sometimes like I missed the path I was supposed to be on for having kids, and now I am paying the price. I know that is not true. I trust (most days) that there is a plan greater then I can see and that in time I will look back and see beauty in all of this chaos. So I have been reminding myself that I am not running out of time. It isn't my biological clock that I worry about- it is the age difference between DH and I. Are age difference in the 8 years we have been together has been absolutely irrelevant. I worried for so long about dating/marrying because of our age gap, and in the end I just chuckle and shake my head thinking about all that I would have missed out on. I can't imagine not having taken the risk. Choosing to parent, with our age difference, falls along those same lines. I feel like the clock is ticking because of his age. But the reality is, I know that whether we have a child today or two years from now I am going to look back and it isn't going to matter. I need to trust that I will in time look back, shake my head and chuckle, wondering why I ever lost sleep worrying about ages and running out of time. I will look back and it will be beautiful.

Public Alert

I am so unbelievably cranky, I should not be let out in public. Seriously. I will bite anyone and everyone's head off.

A failed IUI is hard enough, but these damn hormones on top of it make me a crazy women.

Going back and forth about what to do this month. But I think I am going to do the HSG and try on our own this month. And then an IUI the next cycle.

After that? I have no idea.

i am cranky. i don't like this.

.........

My temperature this morning dropped low. And despair is creeping in.

I didn't even need to POAS this cycle to know the answer.

Seriously considering taking a break this next cycle.

I am worn out in so many different ways.

Blue

Having a blue night.

I am not sure why, but I feel like if this is a BFN, which it most likely is, it is going to be harder to take. Last month was fine. This month, I don't know- even though are numbers were even less optimistic this time, I just want it to work.

I want to be done.

I want to know how this ends.

If you could tell me that in one year, heck, in two years I would have a child, I would be able to be at peace with the month to month waiting. Even with back to back BFNs. As long as I knew I would get there.

Yes, I know this is ironic that I am writing this because it flies in the face of everything I just wrote earlier today and everything that I was inspired (and believe in) about Stacy's reflection.

My sister and her baby left today and while I am glad to have my house back, the house feels empty. And the hole in my heart that was left by the miscarriage is still gaping.

I have been wanting to start seeing a therapist again. I saw one regularly and then off an on years ago. She was very good and I liked her. When she retired, I was fine moving on and not seeing anyone. A few years later though, after I finished grad school I was feeling like I wasn't navigating life as well and found a new counselor to try. Saw her 4 or 5 times and realized that I don't think she was good at what she did and i didn't like her. But I am at the point again (past the point) of needing one- I just think I'd do better navigating all of this if I was intentional about working through it with a counselor. But finding one that a) is good and b) that I like feels so daunting.

I did find out just yesterday that one of the counselors that the Infertility clinic recommends is actually covered by my insurance. (Miracles do happen!) I have jotted down her phone number and working up the energy to call her. The location is not convenient to where I live or work, but she specializes in infertility/adoption, etc. Hoping she is taking new patients and that it is a good match. And if it isn't a good fit, just hoping I know right away so as not to invest to much energy.

Sorry for the down in the dumps post- I am sure its clomid induced, and soon my hormones will be reset- but even so, just needed to get it out.

Damn it, my b * * bs hurt!

They are sore. Throbbing. I could care less about the actual discomfort, I can deal with that. The thing is... it makes me want to hope, damn it. And hope is so frickin' complicated.

I don't have to do much searching of my blog documentation of other cycles to show that sore girls are just as likely to mean my period is on its way as it means that I am pregnant. Which basically means- that my b**bs being sore DOESN'T TELL ME ANYTHING.

And yet I am still compelled to hope. That maybe, just maybe this could have worked. That just maybe there will be a positive peestick at the end of this week.

Hope is a funny thing- it is ALL that sustains me in this journey. It is ALL that keeps me going, one step after the other. And yet I SO wish sometimes that I didn't have hope. Cuz if you don't have hope, you can't have your hopes dashed. Hope is funny that way.

If you haven't read Stacy's post on Endurance, it is a must read. She talks about this infertility journey we are on as being a marathon for strength training, with an emphasis being on the journey, and not only on a "winning" outcome. It speaks a lot to my love hate relationship with hope. When I face this journey with a focus on a "winning outcome" being the only ending, that is where having hope is so devastating. I find myself asking, "why should I hope, because there are no guarantees on the outcome of this journey." But, when my hope comes from my inner core, a hope that hopes not just for a certain outcome, but a hope that believes, that trusts, that beauty does come from the darkness. This is truly the life-sustaining type of hope.

****************************************************

So, I had told myself I wasn't going to test until CD13 or CD14. My sister and niece are still here for another day and I thought it would help distract me from testing. Ummm, no. So this morning I was up early temping (i'm charting my temps), and didn't go back to sleep immediately so I decided what the heck. I'll pee on one. Well, I did. Sort of. After seeing a faint positive and having my hope and curiosity boosted a bit, I realized I peed on an OPK. Ha! That's what I get for POAS on only CD11. So of course I googled the heck out of "OPK as HPT tests" and I know they CAN work the same way, but in the end, it seems all too uncertain for me. Test line, control line, which is to be darker, yada yada. So, I have written it off as a waste of an OPK and now the big question is when do I test next (on a REAL HPT stick this time)? We'll see how much self control I have tomorrow....

Where I am

Updates from my week: (a.k.a. why I have been so quiet on my blog)

* My baby sister and her baby are visiting for 10 days. It has been a welcome distraction during the 2ww but also bitter sweet. My niece is adorable, she is a really sweet, laid back baby. She will be 1 year old in a week. Our first child if born on my EDD would have turned 1 this past Halloween. I had always dreamed of my kids have cousins close in age, but with my older sister being done having kids and my younger sister still REALLY young, I never thought it possible. And now I am the only one not to have a child yet. The pitter patter of 11 month old feet down our hard wood floor hallway, is a painful reminder of what should have been for us.

* Our post wash counts on IUI day were dismal. We were distraught on IUI#1 because post wash was only 3 1/2 million. They like to see 5 mil, they really want to see 10 mil. This IUI, #2, post wash was only 1 1/2 mil. I wondered what was the point in even doing it. I think this is part of the reason I haven't blogged, is the hope fell out of my box of hope once again. And we have NO direction as to why DHs counts keep going down, down down since May.

* So even having said that I lost hope because of the poor IUI numbers, I ironically and still counting the days and hoping for those two damn pink lines. Ironic isn't it? The science tells you the chances are tiny, but we don't stop hoping that some day it could be us. Thursday is CD 12. I will probably try to wait until Friday or Saturday to POAS.

* Clomid: Physically, again this drug hasn't been to hard on me. A few small headaches, a day or two of, ahem, constipation, feeling bloaty, but all these are relatively minor in the big picture of 28 days. But emotionally? OMG! At least this time I can recognize it a bit and tell my self to breathe. But I could break down into a sobbing mess at any moment lately (today especially) and/or strangle the next person that looks at me the wrong way.

* My prayers this month have been that I might find peace in whatever path lays ahead related to career and family. I am waiting to hear about a 2nd interview for the job I applied for. It would be Full-time. Currently I am part-time with my own business on the side. If I were to get pregnant (and STAY pregnant) in the coming months, my part-time situation is ideal. But if I don't get pregnant in the coming months, I think I will go crazy at my current job because of lacking purpose in my life. In the past, I made decisions to not advance my career because I thought/hoped I would be pregnant soon. But almost two years later, I don't absolutely love my current career situation and I am not any closer to pregnant. I do not have a crystal ball to make this decision (IF I even am offered the job). And so, I take one day, one decision at a time and pray it all is beautiful in the end.

And their off

Hubby is transporting the, ahem, sample to the lab as we speak. This is round three of collecting a sample- the first time was for the semen analysis last spring. It didn't go so well. I got a call from a dejected DH from the collection room at the clinic- "This isn't going to work." Several canceled and missed appointments later we finally got it done by collecting at home- but it stressful. Round two was for our IUI#1 last month. Decided to collect at the lab, but this time I would be there to "help." Again- stressful. Didn't go so well, but we got it done (Tell me, why or why would a semen collection room have a loud ticking clock in it? Tick, Tick, Tick...um, serious?). We tied up the collection room for over an hour. Um, yea, not good. I think the lab hates us by now. For round three, there was no question- we would collect at home and I would "help". And, it was (thankfully!!!) easy- and actually even somewhat enjoyable today. I started out cranky though- I felt like a 6 year old who wanted to stomp their feet and say "I don't wanna." As were were getting started I admitted to DH that I was in a funk and not very present at the moment. I told him I feeling some resentment that this is the way we have to do things. He cupped my face in his hands , and reminded me that, collection cup or no collection cup, this is just another form of us trying to create life together. And any attempt at us creating life is a form of intimacy. Even if it doesn't look how we want it to. And with that reminder, I let go and was able to just be present with him this morning. (Have I mentioned that I love that man!?)

I am grateful that this cycle has not been emotionally taxing. The first IUI cycle was tough- and I remember having moments when I thought that I was done and couldn't do this anymore. Having had a cycle like this one, now I feel like I have the stamina to stick with this for a while longer. (Remind me of that when the hormones kick in the week before AF comes!) I am grateful that it just so happened our IUI is on a Saturday and we could sleep in, take our time, and not be rushed by work schedules. I am grateful that for at least right now. I have hope that this is going to have a happy ending some day. and I am grateful that for at least right now I am patient for whenever some day comes.

********************************

CD13 u/s showed 5 ripe follicles on my right. None on my left. Last cycle I had 2 on my right and 1 on my left. I freaked out a bit when I saw 5, but my doctor said they don't worry at all about that being too many on a clomid cycle. I am perplexed about my underachieving left ovary. A previous u/s showed my left ovary to be much smaller and my doctor thinks probably adhered to the back of my uterus. It is hard to get a clear shot of it on u/s. Now, it hasn't stepped up to the plate like my right one. So I am a bit worried. I guess, I just need one that works, but..it makes you wonder if this is yet another part of our difficulty TTC.

My HCG shot this time was less then half of what I paid this time. Turns out my doctor forgot to check the box stating that generic was okay. So I got the brand name last time. This time i was able to get the generic. Grateful for that extra savings but bummed I didn't know about this option the first time.

Last IUI, DHs post wash counts were low - 3 million. The lab doctor had told me at the time of the IUI that they like to see 10 million. (We were devastated). I have since learned that this is what they like to see for donor samples in an ideal world type of thing. My doc clarified that 3 million is still normal and they don't get really worried until under 1 million. And even 5 mil they are happy with. So, all in all- last cycle wasn't as bad as I feared.

I have a theory (and we will see how it plays out) that maybe, just maybe having a FAR LESS STRESSFUL collection at home this time might prove to give us a better outcome with these counts post wash. I have no idea if this is scientific, but logically I think its a sound theory. We will see...

IUI is in 45 minutes.

POAS in 14 days.

And so it goes....

Full

Today: Brought home our new (new to us) car (4 door family car I might add)
Tomorrow: CD13 Follie check tomorrow morning, full day at work, find and buy interview outfit
Friday: Job Interview for me; big post-cancer scan/check-ups for DH
Saturday: Likely IUI#2 and signing car loan papers (gulp)

Life is full right now.

My posts have been pretty up beat and I have been feeling hopeful these days. I do think though that just looking at these bullet points from just these four days, I should take note that crashing in the near future is very possible. So much BIG life stuff happening. So much out of my control. These are the times that growth happens. We will see...hoping to take it all in stride.

****************************************

So, after talking with my current RE, "Dr. grass is greener" and with the RE I got the 2nd consult from - i have decided to do an HSG. I had declined before because of the cost and not knowing how far we were dipping our toes in the waters of infertility treatments. But it makes sense now I think (if this cycle is a BFN).

I really liked the 2nd consultation doctor I saw a couple of weeks ago- we'll call him Dr. Silver. Due to the scheduling I had my appointment with him before I had my follow-up appointment with Dr. grass is greener following my IUI/BFN. And I left my appointment with dr. silver thinking I might consider moving to him. But then I met with dr. grass is greener and realized i really like her too. The cool thing, is I feel like I have the best of both worlds right now- I have my foot in the door at two great clinics and IF I feel I need to move clinics or get more info- I have that option. The other fabulous and unexpected outcome of this 2nd consultation is I found out that the HSG will be 1/2 the price at the new clinic. And they said even if I keep my treatments at my current clinic, I could come to them just for the HSG. It was eye opening to realize there could be such a huge price difference for the same procedure. The difference is that one clinic does it in their office and the other uses another facility so I imagine there is a extra fee for that. Anyways I am thrilled I stumbled on to this information. Makes me want to do my homework in the future to explore the actual costs of each step along the way with the REs.

IUI #2 CD12

This cycle has flown by. It is SO busy right now in life, I even forgot to order my HCG injection until today. Ooops- thankfully I swear the online pharmacy folks work all the time- I called to day and it will be here tomorrow, so i will still get it in time to (most likely) inject tomorrow night.

Its nice that this cycle has flown by- nice to be able to actually be actively trying but not have it take much mental energy. I have barely thought about IF related things this cycle.

Tomorrow is CD13 U/S. If all goes as planned, HCG injection tomorrow night and IUI on Saturday morning. Sunday morning my sister and my baby niece come to visit for 11 days. I can POAS the morning after they leave. I am thinkin' this 2ww should fly by as well with the family here.

My BBT temps are all over the place. I can't figure it out- I usually have predictable temps. But there is no pattern. I did a OPK today and doesn't show my LH surge yet. Which is good. All of this though has my expectations on the lower side for my U/S tomorrow. We'll see.

I continue to be in really good spirits. Hopeful. I guess I feel like I have options- with IVF being one of those options. Time will tell if we need it, but I think I am ready for it if we get to that point and we are pretty close to being able to afford it as well.

24 hours from CD13 U/S.....

great jumpin jehosaphat! holy smokes! yipee!

I have just been googling for the past 5 minutes trying to find an expression to start out this post. I want to do a dance on a top of a mountain and yell at the top of my lungs:

"My insurance is paying! They are frickin' paying!"

Not everything- and I certainly don't understand their math- but in total they paid about 1/2 the cost of our first IUI. HALF! And we were expecting NOTHING. Plus, in addition they are paying almost all of our consultation appointments.

I am holding my breath because I fear they will somehow retract this. But time and time again they keep paying. They keep paying!!!!!

I feel like a bit of justice is being done. When I realized my insurance would not cover these visits or treatments it felt like such an injustice that a women, a couple, doesn't have the choice to pursue medical help for fertility issues or recurrent pregnancy loss. And they are paying!

At the very least this means we can do our several IUIs and it will cost 1/2 of what we planned on using from our savings.

And if I let my brain dream a little bit- I start to wonder if they are covering these visits and appointments in part if maybe, just maybe, the same would be true for IVF..... It would be a whole new ballgame if that was the case. I don't dare dream of that just yet though.

They are paying!

Car, Career, and RE Consultation

It has been a while since I blogged. Usually that means that I am in a funk. And you would think that to be the case because I just had a failed IUI. But, I actually only briefly felt like I was in a funk. As my BBT starting plummeting, and the POAS were negative, my heart sunk. And then the last 5 days of my cycle I was in hormone hell as all the hormones had a wrestling match in my body and then finally released themselves to let AF flow. And I immediately felt reset. And I've felt light on my feet ever since.

And then we sat with the question of "what next" for a bit. But just a bit, because doors have been flying open. I feel like my world is a bubbling pot of possibilities. Not really related to TTC, but then again, it all feels connected. The common denominator with all of these is hope and possibilities:

Car
We are a one car family. We bike and bus as much as we can and use the car (usually) only as necessary, but our city still is lacking in providing an abundance of options for living car-free. My car was 12 years old. I bought it in college- my first "new" (new to me at least) car. The folks co-signed on the loan, but I paid every penny of that car. And I was (am) proud of that. And have lived without having to make a car payment for the last 9 years. She had over 172,000 miles. And it was a good car. It was a two-door car. Nothing about it was conducive for a some-day-family, let alone even just my husband and i. but it was paid for and we don't really WANT to own a car. So, the car lived on. Until last Tuesday. My car was given a terminal diagnose by the mechanic, never to return to us. This also happened to be CD28. That morning before heading to the mechanic, I got my final negative pee stick confirming this IUI had failed. The same day my two door, not-family-conducive, cute, two-door car gave up the ghost. And so, we are moving on....to the world of four-door cars. We test drove some today. And I can't begin to explain how significant this act of shopping for a four door car is. I feel like I am opening up a part of my life to hope in the possibility that some day there will be a infant seat in that back seat. I don't know why I am finding hope in this, rather than despair, but regardless I am grateful that I can at times still hope in what could be.

Career
I applied for a job. From the time I turned in my resume to the time I had an interview scheduled was 2 1/2 days. Can we say super speedy? I interview a week from today. I wasn't looking for a new job. My job is fine. But it is just that- fine. My current job is in my field, it has been a good addition to my resume, but I am not challenged and I am not as passionate about this specific field as some other related fields. Okay, and to be honest- I don't feel there are opportunities for me to grow as a leader in my current position and I don't think my boss, as nice as she is, I don't think she has any clue of how under-utilized I am.

My current job is only %55 time. I chose that route so that I could work on developing my own business in my other half time- and work with my business partner in hopes of some day being able to early a salary from our company. My business partner has had some life stuff going on, and I am realizing I don't work well with just me, myself, and I. and while we live just fine with my part-time salary, a full-time salary means being able to grow our savings account. And I just feel like now is a good time to work full time, and save SO that when we/if we decide to jump into IVF or adoption we can do so with a bit more financial security. We will see- trying not to put the cart before the horse, but if it doesn't work, that will be okay. I just have enjoyed this feeling of something moving in my life and seeing where it might go. (Okay, and i'll admit i am interested in seeing if their medical policy just might include infertility treatments. Just curious- )

2nd RE Consultation
So we had an hour consultation today at a new clinic. I have not left my current clinic and don't plan to necessarily- I just wanted to get a second opinion, and particularly because I feared that light of the low sperm count post-wash, that we might be directed to IVF. And if we are directed that way, I will indeed re-look at making sure we are at the best clinic for us. The meeting was fabulous. I really liked him. Major questions he answered: a) he got DH to stop worrying about having curly tailed sperm, and low motility , and low morphology, and reminded him this is all just information and looking for trends, and to not analyze everything so exactly. He also said that DHs curly sperm or poorly morphed sperm are not the culprit in my two miscarriages. Which we both needed to hear. I am sure some could dispute that (?), but it helped to hear it. He didn't encourage RPL testing at this time. He did encourage an HSG and talked about what to ask for at my clinic to make sure the dye is oil based (?). And said that if I want to continue my care at my current clinic, they could just do the HSG (as they do it in office and don't outsource it like my clinic) and then get the results to my doc. I decided to go ahead and do that next cycle. He shared some great info about his preference for letrozole over clomid. He encourage DH to keep bicycling because it is good for stress release and he didn't worry too much about his bike seat being to blame for any sperm dysfunction. We had a brief chat about their shared risk insurance policy and I appreciated his frankness and compassion. (more on this in a sec) And then it got even better. After an hour with him, our "personal" nurse came in. Because they are a big clinic they assign a nurse to each patient so that you have one nurse's email and phone to contact directly for any questions. She sat and chatted with us for over 20 minutes. And then we met with the finance person. And she explained the shared risk plan to me. I know the concept of this insurance plan (pay one fee, roughly the cost of 2 1/2 cycles, and then get 3 fresh and 3 frozen. If you don't bring home a baby, then a partial refund), but never had seen the details. She gave us price sheets and details- and I feel like we have the information we need IF we need IVF in order to decide whether or not and how to proceed. But for now- this new doctor really encouraged us to try a few IUIs. I asked point blank if it was a waste of time with DHs low counts, and he said definitely not. So, I feel good about moving forward with IUI#2. I am already on CD6. My day 13 U/S is in 6 days. And if all goes as planned- IUI next Saturday.

Trying to focus on hoping in what could be possible....

Next?

AF hasn't come yet, but BBT is plummeting daily. Pee sticks still stark white. Just waiting this out.

I actually had a really good day yesterday- I felt in control and hopeful. And DH, well, I love him more then I can say. He is so on this journey with me. I couldn't ask for anything more.

I am preparing myself for possibly needing to move on to IVF. Struggling a bit with the decision, but feeling like there are still a lot of questions to ask.

And so it goes

BFN on 12 dpiui and 13 dpiui. And my nice high BBT temps took a nose dive yesterday and again today. It's done.

I had prepared myself as much as possible that any IUI has low odds, and this one in particular with such a low count of swimmers. What is hard is that I had figured we'd give it three cycles of IUI before moving on to something else (more treatment or stopping). That was the plan.

Now I have no idea what is next. I have no idea what our options are. I have no idea if the low counts were a one time thing and we should try IUI again? Or if given his low counts more IUIs are a waste of time (and money)? I have no clue what to do next, I feel like if CD1 is imminent, then I don't have very many days to decide what the next steps are. IUI again to see if history repeats? dive into IVF? win the lottery to pay for it?

I have no idea what our next steps should be....nada

Minus the guesswork

Even if this is a BFN, there is something nice about knowing that we did everything within our control to try for the BFP. DH and I were having this conversation in the car last night and it set a great tone for the weekend.

For the past almost two years now, almost every cycle has been a guessing game of charting temps, watching CM, trying to make sure it is timed right. And then in the end, my period would come and I really wouldn't know if we had indeed timed it right and it just didn't work or if we missed the timing. It was all left to guesswork and second guessing. And it lent itself to feelings of failure, having no idea if we did it "right."

This time- we know we got the timing as close as humanely possible. There is nothing else we could have done. The swimmers were given a head start to make there way up the two little tubes. They were able to bypass part of the swim and instead jump head first, making it easier on these borderline boys. Sure, they were low in numbers, but we know they were the best 3 millions swimmers, all the weaklings were, in theory, left behind in the lab. And, it's worth point out that these poor morphology, low motility, borderline swimmers have gotten me pregnant twice already with no sperm-washing assistance. And we know these best swimmers had three nice plump follicles that were triggered by hcg to release at as close to the perfect timing as possible. One in the left and two in the right ovary. We did everything possible. And that makes me feel like I will be okay with a BFN. At least I know that we did everything we could to try with much less guess work involved.

*************************************

As I have mentioned before, we have been working on our homestudy for over two years for an adoption. Two years ago, before we even started TTC, we started the adoption process for Yolle, our teenage daughter we tried to adopt. When that fell through, we sat on the unfinished homestudy for a long time. We had our first miscarriage. We sat on it some more. Worked on it a bit really diligently once the grief cloud lifted. Had our second miscarriage. Months of not working on it. Feeling indecisive. (Not really liking our social worker, which doesn't help matters.) Well, we finally found our inertia again and in August, we decided to pick two weekends in October that we would finish our workbook homework which is the major hold-up in the process right now. This weekend happens to be one of the weekends we picked. And it has been a nice and surprisingly a healing exercise in the midst of the IUI countdown. I have found that the workbook, is really well written, and while I feared that my feelings of paralysis and indecision would rear their ugly heads, instead i am getting excited and finding it healing to work through the book. The book so far has talked a lot about loss- loss for the adopted child, loss for the birth parents, and loss for the adoptive parents. And in all that, I am finding a release for some of the loss related to the miscarriage that was holding me back from the adoption journey. I don't think it was an accident that we chose this weekend to work on the book.

10 dpiui

Coming close to the final countdown...

Tomorrow will be 11 dpiui
Sunday will be 12 dpiui
Monday, well you get the picture.

I haven't decided when I will test for sure. Rationally, I don't have any hope for this cycle, so it it silly to even count down. The postwash counts were just to bleak at 3 million instead of a minimum of 10 million that they "like" to see post wash. But in my heart, I am still deep down, way down, hoping. hoping.

But I am reminding myself to read this post that I wrote to myslef (and to read it often).

I tested yesterday (to track the HCG trigger in my system). There was the faintest faintest second line. Today I tested and it was definitely negative. So I feel good that the trigger is out of my system.

I am thinking I will test on Monday- 13 dpiui.

And trying to tell myself that regardless of the answer it will just be nice to be out of this 2ww and on to something else- whatever that will be.

Random

Tired tonight. Today is my start to the weekend and I am SO glad.

Some snip-its:

DH and I are in the place today that we just are pickin' at each other, notreally fighting, but definitely annoying each other. I am certain we are both tired, a bit worn out by all of this. but I want to be taken care of, I want him to have grace for my whiny, bitchy side. I want all my needs met by him. Not realistic I know. he has needs too. Trying to remind myself of that as I have been pouting all day in his presence.

My dear friend that recently told me she was pregnant? The announcement that sent me into sobs for the rest of the night? I saw her for the first time tonight since she got pregnant. It was hard, but okay. I was honest with her, and some tears were shed, letting her know I am barely holding it together right now when it comes to any related to the "p" word. It was a little awkward but she was gentle and I am glad to have spoke of the elephant in the living room.

Trying to figure out when I will be certain that the HCG from the injection (Ovi.drel?) has left my system? When I POAS, how do I know if its the injection or what?


Yes, I know- random thoughts tonight. But I'm off to bed.

Unexpected

"What is faith? Faith is being grasped by the power of love. Faith is recognizing that what makes God is infinite mercy, not infinite control; not power, but love unending. Faith is recognizing that if at Christmas Jesus became like us, it was o that we might become more like him. We know what that means: watching Jesus heal the sick, empower the poor, and scorn the powerful, we see transparently the power of God at work. Watching Zacchaeus climb the tree a crook and come down a saint, watching Paul set out a hatchet man for the Pharisees and return a fool for Christ, we know that our lives too can become channels for divine mercy to flow out to save the lost and the suffering."

-Will.iam Sl.oane Co.ffin
Credo
***********************
My default state, if I am honest, is to ask "why me?" I find myself grieving because I don't want this journey that I am on. I want it MY way. The way I had planned it.

This reading above was used as part of our church service recently and it so spoke to me. So often I am looking for the ways in which God is in control, or for things to be fixed, or made right. And in fixating on that, I miss the ways in which I am "grasped by the power of love" in the process. I had a conversation today in an unexpected place, with a unexpected friend about infertility. And I was overcome with peace in the midst of that conversation. Unexpected peace. And I was reminded the ways in which we and others around us become "channels of divine mercy" that flows out around us... so often in the unexpected.

And I keep fighting to find and stay in this center...

Ugg

****UPDATED- So 1 hour later the storm has passed a bit since writing this and I am realizing after cleaning up the mess from sobbing on DHs unexpected shoulder that this was probably more of a hormone-induced freak out session than I thought at the time. I am feeling a bit more like me. Not that the heart of this emotion isn't valid- so I will leave it unedited it for you to experience it in all its rawness. Ugg.

********************************************************************

I don't feel very good. It's partly physical, but that's not entirely it. Physically I feel "ugg", but my mental state and spiritual states are "ugg" as well.

I realized tonight that have I have been in this space before. Not too long ago. I feel the same tonight as I did during the wait in between finding out I was pregnant for the second time and waiting until 8 weeks for my 1st ultrasound. The wait to know if the second time would be any different then the first.

Tonight I feel like just saying "i'm done- i can't do this anymore and I don't want to do this anymore." done. And as I said that in my head, I flashbacked to the last time I felt like this- that waiting period in my 2nd pregnancy. I felt this exact same way. Not sure if I could go on with the wait. Not sure if was, am, strong enough to go through this. Berating myself that i am so weak as to not fight for something (I thought) I wanted so badly. I am so ready to just give up. to let go of it all. I don't know if I want it badly enough. I don't know if I am capable of surrendering. And I know that is what I need to do. To let go and know that I DON'T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER ANY OF THIS. The control I "think" I have in day to day life, is actually just made-up. I really have no ability to control how any of this is going to end. And I am not okay with that.

I thought i would be able to find a centered place in going through this infertility journey. A place of not holding to a certain outcome, a place of taking each day as it come, a place of some-what letting go. i don't think i am capable of that.

Add in a healthy dose of hormones to throw me out of whack, and i am a mess tonight.

After the IUI

first off- thanks so much for the comments on my last post. It helps so much to not feel so alone on this journey.

*********************

i'm a little cranky today. i don't feel great- maybe allergies, maybe clomid and such, maybe i am just tired.

i wasn't expecting to have the iui take so much out of me that day- emotionally but also the cramping was constant for the next 24 hours. it wasn't a cramping i was used to- not really AF cramps, not really miscarriage cramps, different. I am cramping all day today- but if feels like AF cramps. Even though I am only 3 days past iui. Sounds like from what google tells me this is normal.

most of the time, these past several days, i just don't care about any of this. i don't believe this will work, thus i just don't care. Defense mechanism I know. i think I am also realizing "what the heck did we just do? we are trying to get pregnant?!!!!" having had two consecutive miscarriages, the idea of intentionally trying to get pregnant seems plain ol' absurd if I really think about it. I don't know if I am prepared for the first 7-12 week wait again.

anyways. feeling a bit blue. wishing our path in life looked different than it does. Praying and trying to trust that in the end, the darkness will be transformed into something more beautiful than I can imagine. ..hard to imagine at this point what that could be.

And the bottom falls out of my box of hope

So much for textbook. Today's IUI#1? Not so textbook. i am tired tonight, so I don't know how detailed or coherent this post will be. But, in a nutshell.

We (well, ahem, DH actually) was running late today for the deposit of his sample. I went with to "help." Well, it was nerve wracking for him and awkward and took a long time. But we got it done.

Fast forward two hours later, me with a full bladder and feet in stir rups. DH off to work. Doctor comes in and says the numbers are not good- only 3 million post wash (factoring out poor motility ones). They want to see 10 million or more. Ouch. I think only 26 million for concentration is i heard the doc correctly. Even Dh semen analysis was closer to 70 million. And the bottom fell out of my box of hope. .....

I wasn't expecting the actual insemination to be that big of a deal. I was a little worried about it hurting, but it didn't- not at all. But in the moment I was actually overcome with fear, dread, and a deep sense of feeling very alone on that table with my feet in the stir-ups surrounded by two techs and a doctor.

Maybe it was the reality that my ideas of what "making a baby" involved, will not be reality for us? Maybe i had to face the fact that when it all comes down to it, i really don't have control over any of this- no matter how textbook this cycle has been? As I laid back, feet in stir-ups i had to admit to myself that none of this is in my hands.

If i had written this post earlier today, I was feeling so low about the feel of the whole day that I really was considering being done on this road. i know that is short sighted, but come on- sometimes this all seems absurd. but then again, what are my options?

And so the swimmers are in, but only a tiny army. At least it has helped me lower my expectations for this cycle. time will tell.

A note to self (to be read in 14 days)

Note to self:

In 14 days, when you wake up bright and early to POAS from your first IUI cycle, just remember, TTC is a journey. The journey has ups and downs and at time it feels like you are moving backwards instead of making progress. But don't lose site of the dream, the purpose of all of it. The IUI statistics are not in your favor for only one IUI cycle, it can take time. Don't be surprised or discouraged when you don't see the two pink lines. This is a process, don't give up. Time will tell, and I need you to stick with this for the long haul.

Don't give up.

Could have, but didn't

There are so many things that can go wrong in the process of journeying from desire to having a child to actually having a child. And even in the short little journey from CD1 on a Clomid/HCG injection/IUI cycle to insemination- there are so many things that could go wonky and not work according to plan.

This cycle has been textbook. To the T perfect. And while I have to remind myself that that doesn't guarantee the ultimate outcome that I desire, I still am beyond grateful right now that, so far, things are going 100% on plan.

My Cl.omid Cha.llenge test passed with flying colors. Clo.mid hasn't been evil for me like the horror stories I feared. In fact, I have felt really really good. Today, cd 13 I went in for my u/s: I have been educating the husband along the way (and he has been an eager student, which I love!). And I was telling him all the things that COULD happen- my follicles could be poor responders to the medicine, and we would have to cancel, my follicles could be not ready yet, I could have too many follicles to proceed safely, I could have already ovulated. And I am sure there are other possibilities for what "could" have happened today. But none of that happened.

Today was textbook- perfect. My endometrium (right word?) looks great. I have two follicles on the right, measuring nice and plump and one on the left. I saw them right way- and was grinning ear to ear. Absolutely joy.

It was nice to, for a change, be on the u/s table with the dim lights, watching the screen, and feeling joy instead of sorrow.

My shot will be tonight at 10pm. IUI at 10am on Tuesday. Yee haw!!! Here we go- another wild ride.

(p.s. Okay, my only hesitation is this: do I really want three plump follicles? Two I know is good, but three? Um....yikes. The "what ifs" are scary to think about)

Take that Clo@#%$%(mid Chall!#@#$@enge Test

My FSH today was, and I quote the nurse "excellent, really really good, both cd3 and cd10 were just how we like to see it." Her name was cathy (I think), and i don't know enough people at the clinic yet to even place if I know who she is. But I could just hug her- she called with semi-trivial information about an FSH number, and she truly seemed excited and relieved for me. And I have only had one real appointment there so far so its not like she could know me personally. I am a stranger to her, an id number on a lab slip. And yet, she just was so..so.. just what I needed to hear. I wish I had saved the voicemail.

And, I am thrilled to have another test behind us and have good results. I know that it only gives us a little bit more information- and there are still so many unknowns. but for today, it is adding to my hopefulness.

Day after my melt-down

I've found my way back to being a bit more centered after my melt-down last might.

Reminding myself that it is all part of the healing process. Trying to have some grace for myself and how the grief manifests itself.

The hard part is, is that I SO SO want to feel self-less joy for my dear friend and the new life that is being created. I WANT WANT WANT to feel that. And instead, my own wants cloud over the unrestrained joy, and instead it is filled up with envy and selfishness. And I don't like how that feels- not one bit.

My rational mind last night was trying to give me some perspective- reminding me that it only takes one positive result from POAS (well, and several u/s) for my luck to change. And would I want my friend feeling as angry and envious as I did last night? Oh, lord, take away from my envy...

*************
Cl.omid is done, day 5 of taking it was today. and I feel great (will the bad side effects kick in later, or will I be lucky enough to escape the wrath of clom.id?) Tomorrow is cd10 bloodwork. Hoping it all comes back with good results.

****************

Paradigm shift. I was doing some googling last night- and read some stats that I either hadn't read before or had forgotten about. Was reading about miscarriage statistics. And the more I read, the more I was encouraged. Basically, the chances of having a third miscarriage are not that much higher. For example, one article said that a women has a 20% chance of miscarriage in her first pregnancy and an equal chance in her second. For a third pregnancy, the chances are only slightly higher- like 25%. After a third miscarriage is when the numbers really rise- like a 40% chance of miscarrying again after 3 previous miscarriage (exact numbers might be a bit off, but still- It gave me hope. If I get pregnant, my chances of staying pregnant on the third time far outweigh the chance I will miscarry. I can live with those odds.

Raw

The wound is slow to heal. Sometimes I wonder if it ever will heal. That big gaping emptiness in me- loss. The two children that were to be ours. Gone. The wound is slow to heal. Most days, I can bury, cover it up and go on with my life. I think I have been coping lately by unconsciously convincing myself that I really want my life as I have it now- extra spendable cash, free time, flexibility, my career and what it might become. I have been convincing myself that it might be hard to create space in that life for a family.

But one phone call, reminds me that that is just a facade. My best friend called tonight- she is 15 weeks pregnant. And I am reminded, as I sob on my husbands shoulder, that more than anything I want that. I want to create life with my husband who I love so much. I want to be able to share in the planning, and dreaming, and hoping for who this little one of ours will become. I want to fall in love all over again with him as he talks to our child, who is only a bunch of cells, and kisses my belly. I want to be able to go in for a 6 week u/s and be joyful and naive, not terrified.

.... I want to know how our story will end. I am so afraid that it won't end the way I want it to.

I am grateful for my friend's gentleness, I know it was hard, I know it was hard for her to tell me. She couldn't have been any gentler, but man, it still hurts to the deepest places in me. Tonight, I feel raw. Absolutely raw.

Time

I am amazed how fast these days have been going. There are many mini- steps on the way to the IUI and it breaks it up so it seems to go faster. Only two more days of clomid, and then my day 10 b/w and then my day 13 u/s and then injection, etc. etc. There are mini milestones to look forward to.....

But then the IUI and it all stops. Nothing for 14 days. I can tell you now, that is not going to be good.

I am thinkin' I really should try to fill my schedule with fun things those 14 days.

*********************

I am feeling good- really good actually. I have headaches- and they aren't pleasant, and sometimes pretty bad, but otherwise I feel so good that its hard to complain.

I felt hopeful today. It started yesterday, and spilled over today. I feel hopeful. Sometimes when that hope creeps up, I start to get anxious. But I am okay with that for now. For today, I am hopeful.

RE Apptointment and why I love my husband even more

A 2nd consultation with a RE and I fall in love even more with my husband.

He literally skipped out of the office, like a school boy at recess. This is the second time he has done this, and my heart overflows with love.

When I asked why, he said he loved that we are actually doing something. He says "We're doing it wifey. We are gettin' things done." He just kept saying how good he felt about the appointment. He came out of the first meeting the same way. And I love him all the more for it. I love that he is 100% in this with me- all of him. I love that he is 100% in this because he want to create family. Our family. I love that it matters to him as much as to me. I don't think I could ask for anything more.

The appointment did go well. I had more confidence in this doctor. Maybe the 1st doctor, Dr. Penelope, would have been just as good, but I walked away with the trust that was lacking in the first meeting.

She was mostly matter of fact, but enough of a human side that she wasn't off putting. We covered a lot of ground. And she was answering questions I had before I even asked them. I actually learned from her (and I consider myself very well-informed.) I didn't feel like I learned much from Dr. P. So- I am pleased and glad it worked out this way.

Tidbits from the meeting (in no organized fashion)-
So far I have been completely impressed with the compassion and customer service of the nurses, lab techs, receptionist, and billing person.
Dr. grass is greener isn't at all concerned about DH semen analysis results. That was probably the most surprising news and the best news we could receive. She is not considering it as part of our problem. She says that, while there are differing opinions, she said experience is showing that morphology numbers are less and less important. When looking at the numbers she said, quote "not bad."
She did ask about DH chemo three years ago. but seemed to agree with what the oncologists take that the chemo shouldn't be our problem.
So,- the focus is on me. My heart got a bit heavy when I re-remembered that we have to resolve TWO issues- 1) the fact that we are not getting pregnant easily (TTC for near two years) AND 2) that if I get pregnant we don't know what will happen. I realized I have been living in denial - I have only focused on the difficulty getting pregnant. This was a clear reminder that we don't yet know what will happen if I do get pregnant. argh.
She first leaned towards testing for causes of the miscarriages, but then backed off and admitted that even if diagnosed there aren't a lot of easy treatments- other than extra folic and low-dose aspirin which I can do anyways.
she said that she can probably get a look at my uterus mostly just from u/s and so i don't have to do the sono- something or other right away.
She said that I have lots of antral follicle (spelling? did I get that word right) which is good. And I don't show the classic signs of PCOS. My left ovary was small and difficult to see- something might be going on there but she isn't concerned, but it still had a very healthy number of follicles on that one too.
We had a great conversation about endometriosis(my mother had it) and she put my mind at ease on that.

IVF was talked about more than I was comfortable with (yet). but the odds are definitely better with IVF- 20$ approx for IUI and 70% for IVF (apprx. for our situation). But if we are in that 30% and shelled out the money, I don't know if I can live with that.

I feel like I could keep typing. It was informative. She still wants for me to do the clomid challenge test. And being we are doing clomid, we might as well do an iui. And then we'll reassess. So, next step is clomid starting tomorrow for 5 days, blood work on cd10 and u/s on cd13. And then we'll go from there....

Comfort food

My eating has been out of control. Comfort eating I am sure. But why? It has taken a few days for me to finally stop and ask the question- what feeling(s) am I trying to cover up with food?

am I just struggling being back in the country with all of our affluence and waste?
am I worried about yolle and her family situation?
am I nervous about moving foward with iui?
am I maybe just a bit lonely and needing some quality time with friends?

I don't know what it is, but i need to find my center again. I need to tap into making good chioces cuz I sure don't feel good right now.

Mary! She will pray for you.

(Disclaimer #1: I know that people come from all different perspectives, beliefs, and life experiences when it comes to what they believe. This is my space to be able to be honest and transparent and that is what I try to do most of the time. I invite honest comment and dialogue, but be a bit gentle as I am sorting this out through writing it. Disclaimer #2 This is long.)


Absolute faith.
100% certainty.
Confident without a doubt.

This is not my faith. This is not the spirit i have when I pray. Sometimes I wish it was....

My work takes me out of the country multiple times a year. I work with amazing partners in this very poor country, and have friends and colleagues that have become like family to my husband and I. We come back humbled every time we spend time there just by being in the presence of people who are trying to end the tragedy of the poverty cycle, one day, one person, one prayer at a time. It is humbling. One man in particular, John has over the years become a friend to us. He is an american, but has lived there for 35 years. He has worked all these years with an organization that is very well-known and respected in the field that I work. Several years ago, he and his wife, Mary, started a small church in the village where his wife is from. I know of his wife, met her in passing, but haven't gotten to know her as well.

In this past visit, my husband traveled with me. We spent the weekend in the village with a family who belongs to John's church. As we sat at the kitchen table one night, somehow my husband began to share about our two miscarriages with this women, we were staying with. I was so appreciative of this women's response- without skipping a beat she said with almost a sense of urgency and excitement- "Mary! She will pray for you." It was as if she just knew that what we needed was for Mary to pray. She then, a bit embarrassed by her forthrightness, asked to make sure it would be okay if she asked Mary to pray for us. I said of course. The conversation changed directions and we carried on with the weekend. I told DH later that i had found myself oddly comforted by her response. It was indeed forthright- unlike the usual- "I'll pray for you" more automated response. She felt compelled to ask Mary to pray.

On Sunday we all went to this church in the village. It was good to be back as we haven't been there in some time. I am still a learner of the language so the long church service wore me out and at the end I was ready to say a quick goodbye to our friend John and head out. We got caught chit chatting with members as they stopped to greet us and soon the church was near empty. DH spotted John and led me over to him. Something must have stirred in my husband because he got to talking with with John, and soon he was again sharing of our struggle to grow our family and our two miscarriages. Sometime during this conversation we are joined by a women- and I realize that it is John's wife- Mary. Praying Mary. Mary listened to my huband tell our story, and then shared her story with us- 10 years of TTC. Infertility issues in both her and John. They adopted two children. Years go by. And she gets pregnant. The doctors don't understand how. She had a little girl. And just a few years later she gets pregnant again, and has another girl. They too shower us with compassion and ask if they can pray. And pray they did. Before starting to pray, she went out into the hallway and returned with two young women. She said, I have asked my daughters (now grown) to join us in prayer as they are the living proof that God can work miracles. And they prayed passionately. It was a canned or scripted prayer- they prayed with fervor. (Not a word that is used often, but I don't know how else to describe it). And I found comfort in being covered in prayer....... And they prayed specifically for God to bless us with a pregnancy.

And this is where I cringe. This is where my heart and my mind collide as I tell the story.

how can they pray that? how can they believe that? how can they lead me to hope for that? what about all the dear women in my life and in blogland that pray fervently and are prayed for fervently that will never hold a child in their arms?

shouldn't we just pray for God's will to be done? or pray that in whatever happens that God will be there with us? That is the only way I can muster to pray.

Or do I pray that way because it safer? because it actually requires less faith on my part and I don't have to go so far out on the limb? do I worry that I won't know what to do if ...if..the answer to the prayer never comes.

I wrestled with this when DH was diagnosed with cancer. I never prayed that God would heal him. I just couldn't. Because I know the statistics. I have known too many people that have been taken by this terrible disease. And I couldn't bring myself to pray for healing. I could only pray that God would walk with us whatever happened.

I don't know the answers to these questions. I don't think there really are answers to these questions in the way I would like. But I do think asking the questions is important- because I am trying to figure out what it means to be that I am a person of faith. And can I go out on the limb as far as Mary when I pray.....?